No. 1, Heaven’s Gate,
Butokaa’s house,
25th November, 2023.
Dear Emma,
Even though I would love to ask how you’re doing, I know my question would go unanswered. It has been four years already and I know the only reason I’m still here is because God wills it. I can’t stop my tears from falling but fear not, they aren’t really from sadness. I wonder if you remember me and if you can see how much I’ve grown because I promise, I have.
It is low-key funny that I haven’t written to you in a while because it used to be my coping mechanism. Have I moved on? Can I ever truly move on? I admit your passing left a vaccum in my heart and maybe my soul and I still don’t know how to deal with it on most days.
I saw a tweet about fan yogo and I remember scoping you to save up so we could buy and share after school. I remember the fan-ice depot outside the estate, we probably spent all our savings there. I’m sha glad I have these memories of you because the years we spent together seem so short, it’s wild. You were an awesome brother and I miss being your underling and sidekick. What are younger sisters for anyway? I would have you know that we all miss you and it’s okay that you don’t miss us, I’ve come to terms. For the record, your friends have become family and I would always be grateful to you for that.
This year was so insane, you wouldn’t believe it. I graduated from uni and I cried a lot because you weren’t here. It felt really overwhelming and I felt quite alone but there was always this subtle reminder that I’m never alone (eiss, I’m not a Liverpool fan). I gained enough brothers to last me a lifetime and God does exist, He has been holding my hands forever. I now believe time heals wounds so I’m sure the fresh one I dealt myself this year would heal too. I wish you were here but I think it’s a waste of my wish because tbh, there’s nothing really here is there?
I hope we get to meet again someday and I don’t know how it works and I don’t know if you would even remember your baby sister who doesn’t feel like such a baby anymore. Navigating adulthood wants to look hard but I have God holding my hands remember, I’d be alright. Say hi to everyone with you for me if you can. Uncle Yomi, Aunty Meewan, Uncle Walbe’s mum, Mrs Oresanya and everyone whose name I haven’t mentioned. I love you, always.
P.S: Arsenal is playing better but I hope they don’t win any cups and yes I’m still a hater. Adele hasn’t dropped any new album since 30; NF & Linkin Park are still fire but I don’t really have the heart to listen to them anymore. I’d try not to be too sad today because no shit, my heart feels like a ton of bricks.
With love,
Mama
