A Jilted Lover — A Monologue
Does everyone deserve love? Religion preaches forgiveness, kindness, and even vengeance. I try hard at self-assurance. Not get seeped into cycles of overthinking and self-hatred solely because of failure at a single arena. Why is a woman’s self-esteem so rooted in romantic gratification? I do not know. I just know that I find myself wondering again and again why I fail.
And it makes me angry. Sometimes I feel like a crossword puzzle, the easy ones that seem challenging at first but easily disintegrated as one by one the components of my daily humanity is laid bare. An easy puzzle that intrigues no one and elicits only mild interest after some familiarity. Perhaps the trick is to be a terrain so unreliable that reaching the peak is a life victory.
Some of my relationships lasted multiple years. Some less than a year. But the template remains the same. By the end the only choice I see is to dissolve the thin thread, hoping for something more than indifference. The last victory. No more playing second fiddle. No more taken for granted.
Over the years the female rage and self-righteousness that I was born with has vanished, to my immense dismay. But it is so tiring. Why must self-respect and unconditional love be mutually exclusive? Why must the game and its exhausting rules never be suspended? To love has become synonymous to never leaving the field, always cautious, acutely aware of the balance of power. Being adept at giving only what one receives. Not a drop more, not a drop less.
The stories of love, even those lasting only a decade, seem like mythical fairy tales. Yet one sees it everywhere. I make peace with it. Took enough patience and acceptance. Perhaps there’s a key that I, despite being regarded intelligent in both intellectual and emotional level, have yet to figure out. The elusive mantra whose words escape women like me. Perhaps I am not meant for love. Perhaps some people like me, those that are so beaten by life that both anger and elation seem like a life draining effort, don’t deserve it.
