The Spaghetti Cone of Uncertainty
Living Out Loud-Zero to sixty-something
It’s the end of September and the summer has drifted by in a steamy haze of randy alligators, cicadas singing the song of their people and humidity so high it feels like you are living in an armpit. The one thing we haven’t had to deal with this year is hurricanes. Until now.
Hurricane Ian is on his way, much like Santa Claus but with some very nasty presents.
Tropical Waves isn’t a hair product.
Last week I heard rumblings about this tropical wave off the coast of someplace far from me and my home, hearth, and garden decor. I didn’t give it a second thought because having lived in Florida for over thirty years, I’ve learned that storms are a way of life here, as is mold. Mold is predictable. Storms are not. I’ve watched in abject horror as the television showed colorful swirly graphics barrel right over my little chunk of land, threatening to sweep away all the things I hold dear. They have fun little names like “spaghetti models” as if some five-year-old did an art project made out of pasta. My other favorite is the “cone of uncertainty”. Adults with real jobs came up with these names.
To leave or not to leave-that IS the question.
Florida’s governor (Ron Sanctamonious-which may just be my nickname for him) has declared our whole side of Florida, the west coast, a state of emergency. It’s a wise move because we do get a little complacent down here. Here’s the thing. The storm is less than a week away from us. It still has to lumber its windy arse over Cuba and then reorganize itself before it can visit the Sunshine State. I live in an area that is like a dangling participle. It’s called Pinellas County. You can find it on a map because we fit neatly into a cove, the armpit area of the county. If this storm is a direct hit, we could be cut off for a long time. If bridges are wiped out in a cataclysmic event, this storm could be our Katrina.
Beer, Bread and Booze — the three B’s of Hurricane preparedness
People get a little nutzo when the prep starts for one of these storms. There are two schools of thought. School one is to get out of dodge. School two is to “hunker down”. We don’t wait. We hunker…and we shop. Some of the first things to get cleared off the shelf is bread. Apparently, sandwiches are very important when hunkering down for a hurricane. Some people may be planning on using slices of bread instead of sandbags, wedging marble rye or whole wheat under their doors…but probably not.
Parties are planned. I’m not kidding. Hurricane parties are very popular as we wait, I mean hunker down in anticipation of 70+ mph winds, flying debris and driving rain. The storm will still suck but people will care just a bit less if nicely anesthetized. I believe these are the same people who go to the beach to greet the incoming storm. Lots of them. I can hear them retelling their story to their grandchildren.
“Yep, I was right there on the shore when Hurricane Ian came on land. I was right there, toes in the sand, wind in my hair. Too bad about Grandma though. She floated for a while but then a shark came along and, ah well…”
The Feeder Bands are not an 80’s rock group!
News people, the same folks who are responsible for names like “spaghetti models”, talk incessantly about the storm. They talk about the myriad of courses this thing can take which is pretty wild and wooly. Truth be told, the drawings look like something I used to do on my Etch-A-Sketch. Honestly, they can’t really tell what is going to happen. Tracking a hurricane is a little like herding kittens. Years ago, Hurricane Charlie made a beeline for Tampa Bay only to unexpectedly veer off to the right at Punta Gorda just hours before it was to make landfall in my backyard. The reason why? Charlie felt like hitting the links down there? I dunno.
Everything is Hunkerdory?
We wait, er, hunker. There isn’t much else to do. People elsewhere think “why aren’t YOU evacuating?” Several reasons for us. We have two giant dogs that weigh upwards of 160 lbs. each. Where do you go with that kind of luggage? We have seen what happens when you do decide to evacuate. People leave in droves… and then get stuck without gas on the side of roads OR they go in the same direction as the unpredictable storm and get hit anyway. People who do successfully get out of harms way have a helluva time getting back to home base. People were cut off from their homes for weeks after Hurrican Irma visited us back in 2017. So the alternative is to, yes, hunker down and hope for the best… and buy bread.
Froggy went a-courtin’…
I have to go outside now and start gathering up anything that can become a missile from my yard. That’s right. That adorable little cement garden frog can become a deadly projectile during a hurricane. There is so much to do to prepare before the storm hits. Right now the sun is shining and the birds are singing. It always feels surreal. I walk around the yard grabbing everything and anything that can move during 100 mile per hour winds and I eye my trees suspiciously. Will they still be standing in a few days? Will my house end up like an extra from Wizard of Oz?
Stay tuned as we watch, wait aaaaaand hunker!
