Do I need an Intervention or to just suck it up and work harder…or both

It is December 15th. It is 8:18AM in the morning. I am not at work because frankly, work is not an exciting place to be (with only me usually being there).

The good thing about it is that the rush of having to leave my house everyday usually does wake me up, give me a chance to be around other people….NYC will do that. It’s just an energetic place to be.

But after a year and half of life coaching (in conjuction with abruptly ending a 4 month relationship), I’m still sitting here asking myself “Why do I need life coaching?” Whether it be from self or professional, what do I still need advice on. So I started thinking about times during the day when I have anxiety.

I get anxiety when I do a task wrong and it gets so much visibility (the infinite email addresses in the CC field). I get anxiety that I can’t be as independent as I want to be in my field. I get anxiety knowing that there are other things outside of work that I want to do. (Like podcasts, diversity recruiting, etc). Then I see all the people in my company (technical or not) getting certified. Some aiming for all 5 certs. I can’t even pass one….Almost 8yrs into my professional career and I’m really not good at anything.

And then there are the “demons.” The demons are the things that lurk from your childhood…You brush them under the table as much as you can, but they always find an avenue to re-manifest themselves. For example, I never got any awards in high school, outside of a 1st place trophy for Spanish poetry (no I didn’t write the poem, but I recited and performed it perfectly). My SAT score barely cracked a 1000. I couldn’t even apply to schools I wanted to (well I could, but my application fee would’ve simply been charity). And here I am at roughly 30 yrs of age bothered by all these things. Hearing of these super teens, and people that took all advanced classes. I never got a 4 or 5 on any AP exam. Highest was a 3.

Then comes University. I had a 3.4 GPA my final semester but graduated with an overall 2.5(surprised it was that high). Everyone calls me this intelligent person, but it’s really fraudulence. I’ve just made out great with average intelligence at best.

I can imagine if they had a show called the engineers apprentice, and I was Trump/Schwarzenager interviewing myself. I would look at my resume and say

“Hey pretty impressive. Looks like you started working young. I see you are missing your GPA. Any reason for that? Ideally it doesn’t matter 7yrs into your career, but was just curious on how you’d grade your academic performance. I see your objective statement says you’re invested in guiding companies…who exactly did you guide? You’ve never had a management or tech lead position. I’m interested in what leadership/expertise you brought to your table. How about aptitude? I notice you don’t have any certs or proficiencies? How would you describe your core competencies. Would you be able to past a technical exam on any of the languages or OS’s you claim to know? How are you staying current.”

I’ve been in these situations before. They are not pretty. I usually get hired by companies that aggressively need to do so. So then the next question becomes “Are you passionate about what you are doing?” I think to myself, maybe I’m just not ever gonna get there. If I never get certified, do I actually care, or do I just want to have it so I don’t look bad?” And then I think, maybe I can wrap all my aspirations into a job. Maybe like diversity training in tech, or tech recruiting or technical sales. I remember thinking this, but also remember myself at the tech expo. I really didn’t want to sell my company at the booth at all. I kinda just would’ve rather enjoyed being in the hole with my team working. And I think that’s the core issue. I want to work in teams. I can accomplish anything in a team I feel like. When I see myself as the only resource on a SOW it makes me cringe, but I really can’t say anything because I fear getting fired. I’m like…they have to do know I’m not a Sr. Engineer. But how long can I keep using that as an excuse. With the money, I’m making…why not? Why am I not the Sr. Engineer?

So there are two paths here. Do I continue to seek out work that’s easier yet more fulfilling, or do I suck it up, study, and work harder. Do I want to be C-Level? I can be C-Level in recruiting/diversity initiatives as well. I’m all about working smart, not hard. What is the least path of resistance to becoming who I want to be successful. Well who do I want to be?

I want to be a god fearing woman firstly, who uses her knowledge of technology, economics to better society. So ideally, my awards for what I do in the community would take precedence over professional certs. Secondly, my strength is that I understand technology and how the different pieces all fit together. It doesn’t matter to me if I don’t have depth in a certain area because I understand how all the different components come together to work. In my career, I’ve assembled some of the best teams ever. They were all far talented than I because I knew what to look for. I will admit that I would still like to take online classes on things on my resume to brush up on classes so that I can be a stronger interviewer.

You know what, this journal entry helped a lot. I value EQ over IQ which is why scheduling is so important. I want to read more, and increase my soft skills. Maybe I’ll take an online economics course, a black studies course, and some udemy courses and get online certs. I have no shame in being the least tech savvy over my Sr counterparts, but I do see value in myself as a change agent. If I’m bad at programming, I will not see this as a need to take it off my resume. I’ll schedule my time to get better and fix it.