I’m freaking out.

I am having a crisis of existence. I don’t belive in God, because I am not able to find anyone who has any solid proof of which religion is real if there is a real one, or if there is anything out there after death. Death has me afraid of life, afraid to live, afraid to experience anything because at any moment everything could end, and that’s that. No more. nothing, existence ends. I want to exist. I want to live life, but it seems like the life I’m living is not living, but just existing. We work dead end jobs for dead end wages that afford us only enough to keep us working those dead end jobs. When we get home we’re so wiped out we are unable to enjoy our friends and family and social life, because working multple jobs takes up all the free time. We contribute nothing to society and only serve as cogs in the machine, each conditioned to fit into place, easily replaceable and easily forgotten. We squabble about politics as if our fight against other people on the internet will somehow alter the course of the pre-determined ship we call politics and policy. Those who make policy and law do so only for their own selfish interests, sending men and women to death on both sides with the flick of a pen and then smiling for the camera while gladhanding in the next second.

I want to live life, not just work to be able to afford to work. I want to have friends, I want a family, I want to have ownership of something besides my self. I am almost 30 years old and have been working full time half of my life, and I have nothing to show for it except increasing debt. My health is failing, my memory is scrambled, I am constantly exhausted and the only thing I have to look forward to is the next day, which is going to hold the exact same thing: more work, more drive to increase sales, less free time, more debt.

I need something to live for.

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