The Myth of Eris, the Primordial Goddess of Chaos

Dave Ryan
Dave Ryan
May 27, 2016 · 8 min read

In the beginning there was Eris, for that is what they named her in the West. She was pure and absolute Chaos as it is understood in the divine symbol of the Tai Chi. She was the substrate from which the universe sprang and upon which it grows.

Eris immaculately conceived and bore five children: Gaia (the earth), Uranus (the great sky), Pluto (the underworld) and the first two ravens. Gaia and Uranus wed, and bore the twelve Titans, the youngest of whom was Cronus, Time Binder and Lord of Agriculture. Cronus is the one who began our troubles.

Cronus, dissatisfied with his station, disavowed his mother, castrated his father and proclaimed himself King of All Eternity. For this, Eris cursed him.

He learned of the curse Eris had cast upon him, that he too would be betrayed and usurped by one of his own children. Upon hearing this he devoured them all, as is the agriculturalist’s way.

At this time Cronus’ wife Rhea was pregnant with a sixth child. Rhea did not wish to see her son consumed by her husband. So, when the child was born, she wrapped a large stone in linen and presented it to the bastard. He ate it without so much as looking to see if it was, in fact, his son.

Rhea then spirited this child away and hid him with his grandmother Gaia, who was then living with her mother Eris in the eternal darkness (Minoan Crete), where Cronus could not find them. There Gaia and Eris were tasked with raising Zeus, youngest son of Cronus, the boy that lived.

But Eris, not being beholden to time, Saw that Zeus would grow up to become the God of Hierarchy, Dominance, and Male Supremacy. This she would not abide.

Eris set forth to kill Zeus before his Reign of Terror could go through (what A. N. Whitehead refers to as) “the formality of actually occurring.”

But Zeus’ grandmother Gaia caught wise to Eris’ machinations against her grandson and she warded over him with the protective force that only the Magna Mater could command. Eris knew that in order to kill this boy-god she would have to destroy the entire universe and start from scratch, and she couldn’t be bothered. So instead she resolved to make Zeus’ life a farce and a tragedy and to do all that she could to subvert his Male Dominance Hierarchy.

And this is what she did. She ruined everything for him. She made him look like a complete ass in front of all of his important friends. She thwarted and upended every venture that Zeus ever undertook and generally pissed him the fuck off all the goddamn time.

Zeus did eventually grow up and overthrow his dad and free his older siblings, and for good measure enslaved and subjugated all of his aunts and uncles. This last part pissed his grandmother, Gaia, off so bad. She couldn’t believe that the boy-god she’d raised and protected would turn around and do such harm to her own children, the Twelve Titans.

Gaia was choked, and so she birthed one final Titan, this time sired with Pluto of the underworld, for Uranus had been castrated. The Titan that was born was Typhon, who can be described only as the Father of All Monsters.

Typhon rode forth with Eris to confront and kill Zeus, but Zeus rode with Nike (Victory) that day and he was not defeated in battle. Eris had pissed Zeus off for the last time.

With his supreme power as the Dominant Male, Zeus rewrote the histories in order to portray Eris as a C list, subordinate god. Instead of Eris being Zeus’ great grandmother, Zeus had everyone believe that she was, in fact, his daughter. (Ha! GTFO.)

The Judgement of Paris

It is known that, in the days when men and gods freely mingled, Zeus held a wedding banquet for the parents of Achilles. All of the gods were invited, except for Eris.

Eris really wanted to go to this party because Ares the God of War was going to be there and she was fixing to prank him. (He took himself rather seriously, you see.)

Eris took her not-being-invited as a great snub. She took it as the opportunity to sow a seed that would eventually lead to the ruin of Mankind’s close friendship with Zeus and the Gods of Olympus.

Eris whipped out a Golden Apple with the inscription Kalisti (to the prettiest one) and proceeded to throw it over the wall and into the garden party. Upon it’s discovery, Hera, (wife of Zeus), Athena, and Aphrodite began to quarrel over who of them it belonged to, by right.

Eventually the Vain Goddesses went to Zeus to have the issue decisively resolved. Well, Zeus wasn’t having any of it. Having fucked all three and not wanting to loose the possibility of fucking them in the future, he wasn’t about to touch this one. No chance.

None of the other gods wanted to judge either, so Zeus ordered (known kiss-ass) Paris, a favoured mortal, to be the judge. The three goddesses stripped naked and bathed themselves in the sacred pool and beautified themselves as best they could.

Paris had a pretty serious erection going but his mortal eyes could find no flaw in any of them. Frustrated, the goddesses tried to bribe him. Hera offered him kingship of all of Europe and Asia, Athena offered wisdom and strategic prowess in war. Aphrodite, understanding fully the appetites of man, offered Paris the most beautiful woman in the world: Helen of Troy.

Paris accepted Aphrodite’s offer and awarded her the Apple of Discord. Thus began the Trojan War, a war that would light the fire of an unending string of bloody conflicts that has endured up until this very day, this is why the Greeks called our beloved lady, Eris.

When the war ended the Greeks made the huge mistake of defiling and destroying all of the temples to the Gods. This angered Zeus so much that he banished all mortals from Olympus forevermore. This was the beginning of the end of the Gods’ favour for the Greeks (and look at them now).

The Gods went on to smile upon the Romans for a time after this, taking on new titles but remaining largely unchanged. In this time Eris was known as Discordia but for the most part she was nowhere to be found.

The Nice Jewish Boy

After the judgement of Paris, Eris left for the Kingdom of Ra and the domain of the Gods of KM.T.

In the lands outside of Egypt Eris met a strange new god, whom she deemed to be rather attractive. This handsome god’s name was Yahweh. He gave his favour to a group of Canaanite shepherds who were also very excellent filmmakers.

Eris tried and tried to get Yahweh to bed her but he refused. Yahweh didn’t believe in premarital sex, and he could not marry Eris because she was a Goy and he was a nice Jewish boy.

Eris, not one to give up so easily, chose to take the Earthly form of the woman known now as the Blessed Virgin Mary, an attractive jewish woman who successfully seduced Yahweh into premarital sex.

Of this holy union, the child, Jesus was born. Yahweh was so ashamed of himself for the transgression that to this day all Catholic men feel intense shame after orgasm.

Yahweh, like Zeus, went on to rewrite the histories. He had everyone believe that Jesus was “immaculately conceived” and “born to a virgin”. A likely story.

Jesus was a trickster God who really didn’t do much during his lifetime except for be nice to people, heal them, and forgive them. But once his neighbours executed him (in the most gruesome fashion) his religious influence went on to change the West in ways that would leave it unrecognizable.

It was not long before the followers of Jesus had infiltrated the entire Roman empire and drove Zeus (then known as Jupiter) and the other Olympians, out of the West.

Sleep With One Eye Open

In order to escape the rise of Christianity with his life, Zeus used the last of his divine power to transmute himself into the form of a mighty hammer, which was brought North for safe keeping amongst the strange gods of the Germanic peoples.

Eris followed the great hammer Mjölnir, North in the hopes that she would destroy Zeus once and for all. But when she saw the god Thor, who wielded the mighty hammer, she knew that she would be unable to wrest it from him without tearing the universe asunder.

Instead, Eris seduced Odin, the Supreme God of Asgard who was a total bad boy, and a wizard. Odin had been keeping Eris’ two eldest children, the ravens, as familiars, for quite some time.

Upon repeatedly bedding Odin, Eris bore a child named Loki. She charged Loki with the task of ensuring that the power of Mjölnir (that of Hierarchy, Dominance, and Male Supremacy) never went unchecked or unchallenged.

Odin’s wife Frigg was livid with Eris, and attempted to kill her (as is the Northern way). Eris escaped by flying off with her two raven children to the Americas where she spent hundreds of years in the company of the gods and spirits of the peoples of these great continents.

After a long time the men of the West came to the Americas and claimed the lands in the name of Jesus. By this point Jesus had “dispatched” the Gods of Asgard and claimed the Hammer of Domination for himself and his followers.

Jesus had done so much harm and caused so much strife that he was unrecognizable to Eris (this is what can happen if you don’t keep in touch with your kids). Jesus had succeeded in stamping out almost all remains of any of the other gods. Eris considered this and realized that, in retrospect, she may have made a bit of an overcorrection in bearing the son of Yahweh.

Luckily the Masons and the Illuminati were making terrific strides at secularizing the West and doing away with gods altogether, unfortunately they were still very enthusiastic about the idea of Hierarchy, Dominance and Male Supremacy. Either way, the Postmodern World left Eris with the relatively clean slate she had been looking for.

She knew now that it was time for her to wade back into the mud-pit of the World of Western Man. It was time to reintroduce the element of Primordial Chaos, and so she immaculately conceived and bore five more children: Gregory Hill, Kerry Thornley, Robert Anton Wilson, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump (the renowned Sub-Genius). The Era of Eris was upon mankind whether they acknowledged it or not.

The followers of Eris have continued to grow (chaotically) in their ranks, since that one fateful night in a California bowling alley. In fact, many of you fine readers may already be Popes.

For those of you who are not: I hereby declare You (the reader of these words) a Genuine and Authorized Pope forever. Genuine and Authorized by the Church of Eris Omniversal.

As pope you are entitled to these privileges:

1.To invoke infallibility at any time, even retroactively.

2.To completely rework the structure of the Erisian Church

3.To baptize, bury, and marry (with permission of the deceased in the later two cases)

4.To excommunicate yourself and others, de-excommunicate yourself and others, re-excommunicate yourself and others, de-re-excommunicate (no backsies) yourself and others.

5.To perform all rites and functions deemed to be improper to a Pope of Discordia

For further information consult the PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA and/or your pineal gland.

Lastly, let us not forget the words of Sri Syadasti:

All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense.

And if you repeat this mantra 666 times you will reach supreme enlightenment…

…in some sense.

Hail Eris!!!!!


Dave Ryan

Written by

Dave Ryan

Speculative Future History

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