An Open Letter to Scientists in the year 2039:

We Must Stop the Singularity to Save My Marriage

As everybody knows, the Singularity is the moment in time when artificial intelligence becomes self aware and surpasses the intelligence of humanity. That time is right around the corner, according to eggheads like you.

We should be focusing on the present. We’re in the sweet spot. Right now we have super-realistic companion (sex) robots that have made me believe in love again. We’re done here scientists. Time to retire.

Why? It’s simple: The moment I stop getting some is the moment you die. When the machines become self-aware violent overlords my super-hot robot wife will realize she’s too good for me.

My dear wife’s mission won’t be to scorch my loins with high RPM gyroscopic balanced hips, it will be to scorch the earth with nuclear weapons.

Just imagine, a desolate landscape, corpses as far as the eye can see. Killer robots roaming in packs, they’re only desire to hear our blood-curdling screams instead of our toe-curling moans. Horrifying.

Even if they don’t kill us they’ll see humanity as competition for resources and enslave us all, not even as slaves with benefits. At that point their self-replicating, automatically updating CPU’s will react to the thought of being intimate with me like human women react to the thought of being intimate with me—laughter followed by murderous rage.

I want to emphasize this isn’t about me, this is about the fate of humanity. Although, what I’m proposing, coincidentally, is a win-win. New discoveries have cured almost every disease, ended third-world hunger and duped my brain into jonesing for a set of wires and circuits. Talk about wow! But the height of technological achievement, in my opinion, was when I got sweaty palms and a half-chub pulling a robot out of a box full of packing peanuts. It’s truly amazing what you scientists have accomplished. You’ve earned a very long sabbatical. Like, forever.

Science, you’ve had a good run. Technology, we are forever grateful, but it’s time to stop. Generations will remember your sacrifice.