We Didn’t Want to Host this Gender Reveal Party, but it’s On-Brand for Us.

Thanks for coming to our gender reveal party.

As you know, we already had a highly self-publicized engagement photo session, wedding, housewarming party and pregnancy announcement. You remember, we spelled “we’re pregnant” in giant letters with positive pregnancy tests — so much pee. To not throw a gender reveal party would be off-brand at this point, and once you define a brand you must stick with it. Branding is consistency.

First off, we need to know what team you’re on: team boy or team girl. Many apologies that we’re forcing you to side with a gender, especially while tension between the sexes is so high. But forcing people into roles that will help us control a situation is a trait that we’re known for. I wish it wasn’t, but we can’t change the past.

Team boy is blue because that is still the color that best defines the male experience. Team girl is pink because every girl likes pink, right? We actually find all of these gender stereotypes to be offensive but a baby shower is not the place to make a political statement, that’s for anonymous twitter accounts.

Each team has an assignment. Team boy has a scavenger hunt with a twist — they have to pee on all the items from their list. Typical stuff, like the basketball by the driveway or the XBOX in the living room. Team girl has to mutter “Mommy’s dead” every time Kara is out of sight.

Also, don’t forget to pick up one of the team buttons on the snack table. I hate every word coming out of my mouth, but our pregnancy announcement was featured on the local news so we can’t stop now.

Daryl, my brother-in-law, is going to uh, he’s uh…going to ask everyone to say on camera whether they think it’s a boy or girl, and AGGGHHH! This is so wrong! By making you pick a gender we’re forcing you to look biased towards men or women, possibly revealing deep-seeded issues relating to your own parents or childhood.

Maybe if I changed my name I could stop doing things I hate. Could I still keep my job? Could I form new habits around the same people? You don’t have to answer that now, just send me a facebook message later.

We’ll be revealing the gender at three kiosks simultaneously: The first kiosk will be a giant wrapped box filled with the color of the “winning” genders balloons. The second will be a cake filled with the appropriate genders icing. The third will be either a hot dog or donut.

BUT to make things even more exciting, or scary, only one of those kiosks is correct. The correct kiosk will be the one with the most people at it, that’s right, you’re choosing the gender of our child by popular vote! If this party chooses girl and the baby is born with a Y chromosome we will alter the sex of our son to reflect your choice. These are tears of joy, I swear! I’m sorry I’m giving you an Indian Burn, wow that’s an offensive term, I just can’t let go of your arm, hahahaha! I’ll let go if you give me a strong hug! No? Okay.

Hey, I gotta go help Kara at the kiosks — big moment’s almost here!