My story, my first love

I was an 18-year-old boy, confused at what life should be, and what life would be. I was wondering why I felt attracted to the same sex, and not so much for the opposite. I was wondering if I would ever be able to be myself. I felt stuck, and helpless in a world I was creating far from being honest to myself and to others. My sexuality was very clear to me, but I suppressed the truth because of how society perceives homosexuality. My desire to experiment with the same sex grew more and more every day I tried to suppress the truth. I wondered what it would be like to fall in love, and to be touched. At 18 I didn’t know many homosexuals [other than myself], so I decided to go online. I wasn’t sure where to go online because I was afraid of predators, and cat fishing. I remembered a site called “Omegle” [When you use Omegle, they pick someone else at random so you can have a one-on-one chat]. This site lets you use a category so it broadens the random search. I decided to go with the category “bisexual”. I started the search, and kept meeting older men that were really raunchy. I was on it for about 15 minutes hoping to find someone of the same age to talk too, but it wasn’t working. I said to myself “what the hell are you doing on this site”. So I clicked for the last time, and appeared a very handsome guy [same age]. Right away I said, “HOT” — we both laugh, and he said the same about me. Our conversation lasted a good two hours on this website, and I felt like this boy understood me, and I felt like I understood him. I was getting tired after the two hours I’ve spent talking to him — so I decided to say goodnight, and asked him for his Skype. We then exchanged Skype usernames so that this conversation wouldn’t be our first and last.

After a view Skype conversations, I started to acquire feelings for him. He said he felt the same way, but he considered himself straight. He said he would never reveal that he was actually attracted to men. I always told him that he should be true to himself, and that I should also be true to myself. Even though I knew he wouldn’t ever admit it to me, I kept on asking.

We would always talk about how we would one day meet, and be able to actually see each other face to face [in real life]. We wouldn’t go a day without skyping, or at least texting one another to see how we were doing. I remember he went on a trip up in the mountains, and I wasn’t able to talk to him. I WAS LITERALLY FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! I thought that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore — but that wasn’t the case [he just didn’t have internet access]. At this point I’m 19 and we’ve been talking for over a year. He lives in the same state as me, but just on the other side; however, he goes to a college on the other side of the country. Before his semester of school, he was going to do a road trip down to his family’s house a city over from mine. Of course we decided that we would meet up, which we did. Unfortunately he said he only allotted himself an hour to see me because his family would be afraid that he didn’t make it safely. We met up at my job, and drove down to the beach to walk around and talk. After walking we sat in the back of his car and kept talking; even though he said an hour was the amount of time he could spend with me, he stayed longer. It was getting late, and I knew he had leave. It was definitely a sad moment having to say goodbye [not knowing how long it would be till I would see him again; or if I would see him again]. It was actually a very awkward goodbye, I didn’t know what to do — so I just started walking backwards and said goodbye with a peace sign. He just started laughing and threw up the peace sign and started mocking me with a big smirk on his face.

I made sure he got to his destination safely, and we kept talking from then on. He finally started his semester of school, and we would always Skype when his roommate wasn’t in the room. At this point I felt love for this boy. I felt a deep connection with him. I knew I was gay, and I accepted myself for being gay because of the love that I had for this boy. Every text I got from him my stomach would turn with butterflies. He was definitely something special.

After his semester of school, he came back home and did another road trip down to his family’s house. We obviously made plans to see each other again, and this time I took him out to eat. We sat and talked for a while, but once again he had to leave because he didn’t want his family worrying. We never kissed and we never hugged. So after seeing each other he asked why? I said I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable [because he still sees himself as straight]. He said he would have minded a hug, and I said I wouldn’t have minded either.

Our Skype conversations would now get sexual, so it confirmed that he was actually into me, and into the same sex; however, he still considered himself straight. This is when I started getting scared. I kept asking him about his sexuality, and he started to get defensive. I felt really bad because he kept telling himself that he wanted to live this lie. This is when our relationship started to diminish. I told him how I felt, and I still have the text to this day. We both decided it would be best to stop talking. We then decided that we couldn’t stop talking, so we reached out to each other about two months after, and I got to seem him for one last time. After that, we never really spoke again.

This “relationship” with this boy lasted about 3 years, and I felt a lot of love for him. Till this day, I still feel a lot of love for him, and he will always have a place in my heart. He texted me a couple months back saying that he finally accepted himself, and that he is now talking to another boy. I was so proud of him — that he actually accepted himself. He deserves to be happy; he deserves to live his life truthfully.

I hope he knows that I still care for him, and that I’m immeasurably happy for him.

Cheers to love, and happiness!