All the Times I’ve Had to Wake Up According to My iPhone and Why

I’ve been napping a lot lately, at various times of the time. Sometimes I’ll nap at 11am because I got up at 5am. Sometimes I’ll nap at 4:40pm because I got up at 5am but some inconvenience got in the way of my napping.

I’ve turned myself into a morning person over the past 4 months after 28 years of being the laziest goddamn, irregular-hour-keeping, sunken-eyed asshole in town.

I have a bedtime routine now. And a morning routine. I get up around the same time everyday, meditate, morning pages blah, blah etc. You know the drill if you’ve been exposed to any of the mountains of productivity, “best self,” #killingit literature that’s cropped up on the internet in the last… 6 years? I’m unsure when the trend started exactly (although if you’ve read any Foucault you’ll know that THE MAN has been exhorting us to be better and more disciplined that we are for centuries).

I’m want to say Lifehacker kicked off the trend but then the Huffington Post got involved and it got all twee. How many stock images of a person hiking at dawn must I endure? How many?

I’m burying the lede here. One thing you start to notice when you’re getting up very early and napping at different times throughout the day — and if you’re using an iPhone as an alarm — is that there is never a previous alarm setting that quite hits the mark of when you want to wake up. And you have to time these things out precisely, you know, or you’ll wake up at the wrong part of your sleep cycle and feel slightly weird for the rest of the day.

So that leads to alarms just piling up in the alarm section of your phone-clock. These previous alarm settings act as little reminders that at some point in your past you needed an alarm to get up at a certain time like 9:07 p.m. and when you scroll through those alarms and you see 9:07 p.m. you think “why the fuck did I have to wake up at exactly 9:07pm? Weird.”

So without further ado, I present to you all the times I’ve had to wake up according to my iPhone and my best guess as to why.

5:02 am — My current Wednesday mornings. Don’t ask, it’s a long story. There’s a thing I have to do later on in the day and in order to do it I have to start my day at this time. When I wake up at this time, I listen to this to get me going:

6:00am — The time I wake up at every other weekday morning. Again, I got a thing and also this is the closest to normal wake up time you can get to while still being abnormally early. I guess 6:30 would also work but the closer you get to 7am the closer you are to normsville and then you don’t get to talk about how abnormally early you get up.

6:15am — I was likely going to bed after midnight and thinking “Fucking christ, I can’t, I just can’t, I can’t fucking do this, I’m going to need an extra 15 on this motherfucker.”

6:30am — See above.

7:07am — The weekend! I like seeing the two sevens in there, just a couple of mates with a circle mouth emoji between them. “Oi mate how’s it going over there!?” “Not bad mate! ‘cept for this fucking emjoi between us!”

7:10am — No real excuse for this one. Three minutes gonna make a difference? Wind your neck in there, son. Actually this could have been from last year when I need to get up early for something, when 7am for what I considered abnormally early. Now I think it’s for norms.

8:02am — I think this was the time I used to wake up at when I started work at 9:30am. Nothing really interesting to say about this other than I remember last year when 8am seemed SO FUCKING EARLY MAN.

8:29am — Back when I was a piece of shit, sometimes I’d say “fuck it mate, not getting up at 8, that time can fuck right off, I’ll grab an egg mcmuffin on the way to work and sleep in a bit.”

9:04am — Oop, playing with fire here. Skip the fucking egg mcmuffin too, because it’s 2:30 in the morning and I can wait until lunchtime to eat!

10:00am — Weekend? Maybe brunch plans I needed to get up for. Brunch is shit though.

1:45pm — Saturday sometime around 12 months ago, going to bed at 7am because of reasons.

1:55pm — See above.

2:00pm — I’m guessing this is a pattern.

2:50pm — Probably a nap alarm, weekend, christ knowns I’ve not had the luxury of a 2pm nap in a long time. I probably had plans at like 5pm for something I didn’t actually want to go to and took a nap to reward myself for doing the thing. It’s a pre-ward.