2017 IBA Team Preview

Here is my quick rundown of every IBA team. Sorry that it is last minute:

Cavaliers (Team Captain: Ryan Jasper)

I look at this team and see potential with a “good frame” in the post in Devin Lansing and a lineman in Jasper. I’ve seen Jasper working out with the girl’s team before my practices sometimes. He knows how to break pressure and is smart with the ball. Also have heard from sources that Allison is decent looking. Logan Roling and Quinn Miller are interesting picks at guards. There certainly will be no shortage of effort in the backcourt. I remember that Quinn Miller’s parents came to his games last year. The crowd support might give this team a slight advantage over the competition. Bryce Serovy might be a key to this team as a role player. I’ve also seen picture of his brother making out with a dog so his ceiling is obviously not too high. Lansing is off this weekend brainwashing kids on Kairos. This might put a dent in their playoff chances. Team Rating- 6/10

Bulls (Team Captain: Jake Guckenberger)

This is one of my favorites to win it all. Team chemistry is off the charts here. The key is to not let Guckenberger touch the ball on offense. This kid had as many missed layups in IBA last year as he has pounds of hair gel in his hair. I also am not totally convinced that he can bench dubs. Frosty can shoot from the outside, or they can pound the ball inside with McClain and Ties. Max Johnson once called Drew his “son” on social media, so hopefully he can use his above average sized ass to clear out room in the paint like you see Johnson do on Friday nights. Chandler Dewees is just a veteran presence in the locker room that you cannot measure in stats. He is the key to this team. Stoltenberg will come off the bench to give good minutes. Ethan Durin will show some heart. I worked community service day with him and his work ethic with leaf blowing was unmatched. I also heard he is an elite Skyrim player. I looked up in the student section last night and saw Will Christianson wearing a Xavier polo crop top. That will be a tough obstacle for this team to overcome. Team Rating- 7/10

Pacers (Team Captain: Clayton Laska)

This is a team that has already struck fear into the IBA world. On Friday, I found Corrigan crying in the LMC’s back stairway next to Dean and his girlfriend making out. This is the doser squad. I’ve heard good things about Schuster and Kane’s game, but I’m going to point out two duos that could lead this team to a championship. The Curphy brothers are the next coming of the Curry brothers. Flat out shooters. Get a hand in their face at all times. If Danny pulls those golden locks back into a man bun, it’s over. I don’t feel good about anyone’s chances when these two are on the floor together. The second duo is Jon Lansing and Calvin Ford. I have gym class with these two, and they are ping-pong Gods. Their chemistry together is already off the charts from the gym class doubles tournament. We have the Lebron James and Kobe Bryant of ping-pong in IBA this year. Watch out Corrigan. (Team Rating- 10/10)

Trailblazers (Team Captain- Ty Corrigan)

The pressure has already been applied to Corrigan. How he reacts to it from the very start of the season will be indicative to how far this team goes. Called out as a “non-shooter” by the dosers, let’s see if he comes into today’s game scared. According to Scott Saville, Meyers can squat a car, but can he keep an entire team on his shoulders? Duball is a quick little shit that will provide some good points in transition. Zeke has the heart to bang in the post, and obviously thrives under pressure as seen in his wrestling match on Thursday. If Corrigan is rendered useless due to the power of the dosers, it is up to Wolfgang to take this team to the promised land. But I’m worried about the team captain of the Trailblazers. He has been called out, and I don’t know if he’ll be able to get that out of his head to just play basketball. Until I see him thrive under the pressure, this team’s rating is shaky. Team Rating- 4/10

Sixers (Team Captain- Nolan Dostal)

I like this team. The inside out game of Lemke-Westlund is phenomenal. Westlund shoot lights out from 3, and Lemke will use that ferociously sculpted body to take on people in the post. The problem with this team is depth. The player I’m excited to see is Morgan Tang. He is taking my football number next year, so it’s time for him to step up. Do or die time, Tang. Logan McDermott will provide some good minutes off the bench. As his big brother for football, I can attest to the fact that he will fill the role as a freshman of not shooting, strictly rebounding pretty nicely. Alessio might have to run the show for them at point guard. If he can rack up a decent amount of assists, this team could be poised for a deep playoff run. Team Rating- 7/10

Heat (Team Captain- Maliki Wilson)

Everyone looks at this team’s roster and of course, thinks that the success of the team falls upon Maliki’s shoulders. This is false. Maliki will get his points, but the success of the team will boil down to one man… Brett Biermann. I’ve had the joy of playing football with Brett the last two years, and no one will leave their heart on the floor like he will. Expect a 10 point/10 rebound average out of Biermann this season. Hewitt will do his thing and just sky above the rest. I heard that he has also recently added the “Dream Shake” into his game. Look for that to be utilized in the early games. Naitry will come in off the bench and be solid. He will also be have the intimidation factor against Corrigan, as fight night is approaching soon. Naitry is my sleeper pick for 6th Man of the Year. Team Rating- 6/10

Suns (Team Captain: Mahlon Steepleton)

Mahlon has been hyping this team up for a couple weeks now, but let’s be real here. Burns decided to leave the 2016 state championship team and test the waters of free agency. He somehow ended up on Mahlon’s team. That’s an L. Look for Brett to try to bareback in order to intimidate opponents. He barebacked in a jersey to the physics windmill competition yesterday, and I could barely focus. According to Jordyn Erger’s snapchat story, her and Nile had a “lazy day” yesterday. He should be well rested for the game today. Jack High will be relied on for rebounding, but it will be a victory for his team if he can play a full quarter without needing a defibrillator. Pipkin might be a solid pickup in the later rounds. This team is not going places. Team rating- 2/10

Knicks (Team Captain: Tyler Breitbach)

I don’t have much confidence in this team. I heard, that Breitbach is a shooter, but other than that I don’t see much assets. Their best hope is that Casey finally hits puberty and instantly turns into a 6'7" 230 pound beast. If that happens, I’ll give this team a playoff berth. Casey is a solid player as is though. I’ve seen his dad outgun him on the court when they play with the girl’s team. Draker might turn out to be one of the more underrated players in IBA. Solid body, good work ethic, smart. He’ll be a good player to have in the paint. Sadly, I look at this team and don’t see many wins. It looks like the Knicks can’t even win in IBA. :( Team rating- 4/10

Spurs (Team Captain: Jacob Jordebrek)

This team has limited upside. They will need to look to keep the games low-scoring and slow the tempo. Jordebrek will need to step up in the post. He needs to average a solid 15/10 for this team to win some games. Skala and Larson will need to run the show as sophs. Team Rating- 3/10

Clippers (Team Captain: Erik Rodriguez)

This is one of my favorite teams to win it all. Erik’s prowess as an overall playmaker is unmatched. His one-handed shot is impeccable. And more than anything, he has heart. If he has survived the Trump presidency this long, he can handle a few double teams in an attempt to slow him down. Sources have told me that Jared Brown has been getting some pointers from his brother, MRopp7. If this is true, watch out IBA world. JB will be a big time player this year. Ethan Brown will be a space clearer in the paint. Rebounding will come easily to this beast. The more he sweats, the better off this team is. Justin Schneider will play for Sophie. Zach Frost will have breakout year as a slasher. This team will go places. Team Rating- 8/10

Celtics (Team Captain: Ian Walther)

This team might only average 20 points per game. They also might only give up 19. Lang is a defensive menace, a testament to the days when Lee would take him in the driveway and make him do defensive slides for hours at a time. No joke, I’ve heard that Ian has been going to the Y by himself and playing pickup with randos. Maybe he’s developed a jump shot that he’s been trying to hide from us. He also never responds in group chats, so this might mean that he’s been spending his time away from technology to get mentally prepared. You never know with him. Brad Karpick is pretty soft. Look for him to be mainly a shooter. He also talked trash about the boys team after he didn’t get a jersey so I’m automatically rooting against the Celtics. Wertz might give some solid minutes. He is itching to release some anger since New Years, if you know what I mean. This team is scrappy and has something to prove. Team Rating- 5/10

Wizards (Team Captain: Peter Deegan)

This team is another one that has something to prove. They have some solid athletes. I heard that Alex Hinrichs is underrated. He’s got decent speed and is accurate as hell when it comes to Coyote hunting. Hopefully he’s a deadeye on the court too. Cole Goerdt and Collin Yanga might turn out to be an underrated duo in the post. I think that Deegan will turn this team into a contender. If you’ve ever paid attention to his lunches, the kid seems to always be super hungry. He’s hungry for an IBA Championship. Team Rating- 5/10

My picks:

IBA Champion- Bulls

MVP- Jack Lemke

Coach of the Year- Deegan

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