If that’s a cigarette in your hand, that’s your problem. Tobacco shuts down the heart chakra energetically and physically constrains blood flow through the veins. You’re strangling yourself emotionally. If you’re in pain, it’s your body telling you that what you’re doing isn’t working. Avoiding the pain makes it worse. Identifying the source of it is the only way to get rid of it. Feeling suicidal these days is a normal reaction to the insanity of modern collective denial, but the KEY is to stay with the feeling and not act on it. Write your way THROUGH it. That’s the New Moon phase. After this phase, emotions move through and the moon waxes and the sun rises again. Welcome to the natural cycle of your life. And yeah, Zoloft will only extend the suffering and make it more ingrained (that’s what my friends who used anti-deps have said happened, this is all fact- and experience-based). Good luck, no one can do the work on yourself but you.