Dating Yourself: A Beginner’s Guide

I am notorious for being my own worst enemy. At 23, this doesn’t really surprise me, as I have no clue what I haven’t figured out yet, and I’m still desperate for approval and validation from my peers, superiors, and parents. This makes it so important to remind myself that I am the only one responsible for making sure I love me.

In an age of Facebook engagement posts, Instagram-filtered bikini bods, and LinkedIn job updates (really, Matt, you’re a CEO at 23?) it can become too easy to lose yourself by comparing your life to others.

Now I will admit that I didn’t really start practicing these concepts until reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, so my self-dating techniques are heavily influenced by her and I genuinely can’t recommend her book enough.

A professor and mentor of mine from University of Oregon generously bought me The Artist’s Way in 2014, as he somehow knew that I needed some creative help and a push toward some self-love in my life. At the time I went through with the exercises and wrote my morning pages, but I could only keep them up so long. The “artist” dates were what have stuck with me these past two years.

I’ve used these self-dates to get to know myself better, what I like without the pressures of someone else, and how to survive in the world without someone who’s there just for the sake of it. There is literally nothing worse than realizing you’ve invited someone out just because you don’t want to be alone, not because you actually enjoy his or her company.

Get exercise

Exercise is one of the easiest things to do alone; naturally it comes first, because you should be doing this regularly anyway. Find some way of getting your blood pumping and own it! For me I regularly take myself on walks around downtown Saigon or by the river with nothing but my music on and phone in airplane mode. Not only is this great time for reflection, but I also find that I’m most creative and inspired when I’m physically putting one foot in front of the other.

Take yourself out for a meal; no screens, books allowed, notebooks encouraged

This is a hard one, and it’s taken me a while to get used to it, especially living in Vietnam where meal times are extremely social, but a great place to start is when you’re in an airport! Deciding what to eat without the influence of another person is liberating, and then having the confidence to ask for a table for one is exhilarating. No one is going to laugh, I promise, and no one will think you’re a weirdo with no friends.

Now you’re settled into your table, order a drink, some food, switch off your phone and choose one of three options: Firstly, read! Choose a book you love, and let yourself get lost in another world. Secondly, pull out a notebook and people watch, doodle what you see, take notes, write a poem, or whatever inspires you. Finally, and this is only for the brave of heart, remove all distractions and just enjoy the time- no books, no screens, no barriers between you enjoying yourself. Just exist, savor your meal, and smile wide.

Go dancing by yourself

Disclaimer for the ladies: dancing is amazing but creeps exist, so have your phone ready and make sure someone knows where you are, or what time you’re expected home.

I love to dance, and though most of us are horrifically atrocious at moving our bodies, there is literally nothing better than getting out there any doing it. The endorphins are addictive, and the best thing about going out dancing by yourself? There are none of your pesky mates there Snapchatting or plying you with shots and making you self-conscious. Personally, I am a big proponent of salsa dancing and there is an amazing Latino dance scene in Saigon. The salsa community always makes me feel so welcome when I can make it, but there is never any pressure to turn up in a big group. No matter where you are there is guaranteed to be dancing somewhere, so find your dance scene and get out there as most mixers encourage people to turn up solo.

Write yourself love notes (futureme.org or happiness jar)

This is one of my favorites on the list, and the most fun in my opinion. There are two effective ways I’ve found of writing myself long-term love notes, and both of them give me the warm fuzzies and make me very thankful for the time and reflection it took to write them.

Futureme.org is a fantastic site I’ve been using since 2007 to send emails to my future self, it’s free, and it’s almost stupidly easy to use. It’s worth it to put aside 10 minutes and reflect on your current life, what you’re hoping to achieve, and how you think you’ll get there. When you do eventually get the email, it’ll surprise you how things actually turned out.

The happiness jar was an idea I got via Instagram two years ago and I’m still (mostly) keeping up with it every day. The idea is you write down one happy thing that happened to you daily on a slip of paper, and after a year you read them all in one go. 2015 was the first year I completed my happy jar, and it was such an emotional rollercoaster reading 365 happy moments and remembering everything that made me smile, and so worth the 30 seconds of time it asked for everyday.

Treat Yo’self (Thanks Parks and Rec!)

Go shopping by yourself. Now though this doesn’t sound that scary at all, and most of us have probably already done this once or twice before, it is actually really hard, and one of the ones I struggle with most. I love a bit of retail therapy, but when there is no one to bounce opinions off of shopping can almost become impossible. See what happens when you shop without someone else’s gaze guiding you — do you find yourself in a bookshop or looking at yoga mats? Do you find yourself lusting over jewelry or camera lenses? Whatever it is that draws your eye in the shop window, start saving so you can treat yo’self!

Have a night in

This is one of my Mum’s tips for when she’s been alone at home without my Dad. Use the time to give yourself a home spa (bubble bath, candles, face mask, and wine, anyone?), meditate, or watch that movie you’ve been too embarrassed to watch with anyone else. If you live alone, this is fairly easy to do, but make sure that you focus the time on you. If this is some precious alone time, really make the most of it- put away your phone, switch off your laptop, and just let yourself relax.

Taking yourself out should be the ultimate act of self-love you can achieve. By putting yourself first at least once a week, you’ll see your mood start to improve, your relationships will feel easier, and you’ll be smiling a whole lot more.