Why I Would Still Try to Talk to a Racist
In Top News on Twitter today was the New York Times opinion piece entitled, How to Talk to a Racist (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/30/opinion/how-to-talk-to-a-racist.html), and a flurry of comments about the piece. I posted this article on my own social media channels in the hopes of spurring a dialogue and was surprised by the vociferous responses (public and private) I received.
Sadly, the author, Margaret Renki, does not truly share “how to talk to a racist.” There are no guideposts, quotes to start with or advice on how to not lose your shit. That is what folks really need who want to try to engage in civil debate. However, Renki is not promulgating that talking to a racist is the best path to equity in America nor is she saying that we need to be accepting of these behaviors. She is simply stating that the best way to be heard is not to scream that someone is a redneck disgusting racist.
“Being called a racist almost never causes a racist to wake up. Being called a racist almost never causes a racist to say, “Oh, wow, you’re right.”
There is a video that many of my friends have posted on social media that has a similar message, How to Tell Someone They Sound Racist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0Ti-gkJiXc&feature=youtu.be) reminding us to not confuse telling someone who or how they “are” as a person vs. what they “said or did.”
Basically, this NYT piece states if there is any chance to have a civil conversation, it is going to start with civility and maybe, just maybe, you will make progress. Most of us learned that strategy in kindergarten. It is not earthshattering but that does not make it wrong.
That said, the anger surrounding this article on both sides of the aisle highlights how viscerally we react to suggestions on how to proceed with racial discourse. Many demand we stop wasting time pandering to white racists as it is just not worth the time. We should instead, they assert, invest our time and resources in communities of color who are oppressed. We should work to GOTV (Get Out the Vote) for progressive candidates who do not incite racial violence and brag about grabbing pussies. And then we need to get out of the way letting people of color move into positions of influence, power and prosperity. I understand this view and the sentiment that it is not worth coddling those people who are uncivil in language and action; however, we need to do more than this.
It is absolutely true we need to follow the lead of those within marginalized groups. There are very important movements afoot that have historically been under-supported, under-resourced and under-publicized that require those with assets and privilege to join and amplify. I also agree that we must do the work to vote out dangerous and/or spineless politicians in November and beyond. And we need to be honest about those doing service in communities — their motives and their cultural competence. I am, at times, mortified by “hero-preneurs saving and empowering” poor communities with what they surmise is needed based on a public interest class in college. We need more grassroots organization, more voter mobilization and more activism to create change and those who have been disenfranchised teaching us how to best join the fight for their empowerment.
But this work of being an ally/partner and working in communities different from where we were born comes with an “and” not an “or” — those of us who are white and want to see change must use our privilege (which just being white confers upon us) and access to power (which many of us hold by virtue of our networks) to change hearts and minds OF OTHER PRIVILEGED PEOPLE.
Whether we know who runs a small local businesses or a Fortune 500 Corporation, we must speak up because they have the hiring power. We must call-out inappropriate comments and jokes and behaviors both in an attempt (though often futile, I admit) to change offenders’ perceptions but also to role model for others around us (our children, our neighbors, our colleagues) what we stand for and why. And we have to work *with* those with privilege, resources and power to ensure it is being ceded in our lifetime.
I do believe that people can change in spite of exposure and upbringing. I grew up with very mixed messages about race — a relative who taught in low-income schools serving students of color, another relative who used the “N” word or looked at black teenagers and asked me if I “really believed they could have the same DNA we do” and everything in between. The educator recently voted republican in a mayoral election and the one who used to use the “N” word voted for and very publically supported President Obama. People can change. Thus, when this New York Times article ran I hoped it would be a jumping off point to engage with folks with differing viewpoints.
Instead, the same viewpoints came in fast and furious and diverging perspectives stayed quiet for fear of being lambasted on social media (they messaged me privately). So, I am going to keep pushing and pulling and bridge building. I used to be more militant “defriending” and refusing to engage with those who disagreed. But that was just easier and more comfortable for me — and not helping anyone else.
So, I will continue with this multi-pronged approach of working in and out of the community. I will follow the leaders of the marginalized groups who have been walking the path and setting the agenda. I will do my best to add any assets and resources I might be able to bring to their powerful, but often under the radar, work. I will talk to people with whom I disagree and feel angry with and do not understand. And I will try, as this article suggests, to take a deep breath first.
