I Am a Confuse.

In a non-scientific way possible.

When I was 13, I came to a realization that I am not sure about the existence of God. Who is God? I went to a lot of Islamic public speaking events and I asked, “How do I know Allah is real?”, they said — you simply don’t. It’s about believe. That isn’t enough for me.

I know I often said that we need to feel enough, but there are some part of life where we should also be rational, logical and not just let questions become unanswered and accept the fact that there are also answers that can’t be questioned.

In some stages of my life so far, I have encountered several moments where I found myself talking ‘to’ God and ‘asking’ a couple of things. Most of the times, I came to this phase of life when things go rough.

When I’m in a stable stage, I don’t feel the need to ‘talk’ or ‘ask’ God, simply because I am back to my first believe that God doesn’t exist.

When I turned 15, I sat down with my dear mother and I told her that I don’t believe in Islam or any religion for that matter. I don’t believe in God, but I believe in myself — in the most humble & non-narcissistic way possible. I believe that the things I have achieved are the things that I have worked hard, practice hard and tried hard to complete.

It wasn’t easy for her nor me.

Now, I’m 22. 7 years after my confession, I still ask myself in every possible moments, “Why am I an atheist?” — I think the question is just the same for people with religion, “Why am I religious?”

Honestly, I don’t believe in hell or heaven. This concept and the holy books often don’t offer any connections or kindness at all. If someone bailed from the religion, they will go to hell — don’t worry, God will forgive — but go to hell first for a cleanse. This is a strange concept. If A is a good follower of religion 1 (very kind, compassionate person, never do anything bad), when he died he found out that the correct religion is actually religion 2 (he knows nothing about this religion at all) — will he be forgiven? or will he be punished?

Now, reverse the condition if he is a terrorist, criminal, rapist, cruel person but he is a faithful follower of the ‘right’ religion, what will be his consequences? Will he be punished? Will he be forgiven? How could he deserve what he gets?

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t vote for that leader because he doesn’t believe in the religion of most people. I’ve been also told I shouldn’t vote for the leader from my religion because he is not a good leader and it means I tortured my fellow citizen just so I can avoid hell.

I went to several religious activities in which when I told them my questions or what I think, they told me I need a ‘cleanse’ or they told me such questions is not allowed. I went to several atheist that turned out to be very fanatic about proving that God is some human-manifestation in miserable time of their lives.

In the meantime, I met a religious person that told me to believe what I want to believe for in the end, we are the only one will get the consequences; whether it’s bad or good. In the other hand, I have also met an atheist that told me, maybe God is real and he actually controls everything but most of religious concept is “If you don’t know… It’s okay, you won’t be going to hell”.

I am confuse by the fact that human require a good payback for the good things they are willing to do instead of just doing it. I believe that if life really limited to this, we can’t blame people for being selfish.

Then, I am a confuse.