Hello, my name is Stephanie and I am an Emotional Eater
Hello. My name is Stephanie and I am an emotional eater. I use food, excess weight, and nondescript clothing to hide in plain sight. I especially do not want a certain type of man to notice my femaleness. That type of man is the one who coveted those parts of my femaleness that brought him great pleasure while leaving me scarred and ashamed.
Food is the antidote I have used to numb the remnants of pain left by childhood memories of being teased and taunted about my physical appearance. I was called the ugliest girl in the entire school so many times during the first thirteen years of my education that I accepted this insult as fact. I did not love or care for myself which gave others permission to treat me the same. Instead of allowing myself to feel the pain and shame associated with the taunting and teasing, I chose to eat my feelings.
I do not share this dark part of my history because I want pity. Indeed, I acknowledge that I too am complicit because as an adult I still allow the taunting and teasing that I endured as a child to define how I see myself. As a result, I find it hard to accept love and kindness when genuinely offered. However, I have reached the point where I am no longer willing to use food, excess weight, and nondescript clothing to protect myself from my feelings. My shame, pain, feelings of worthlessness, and poor self-esteem are obstacles that have prevented me from fully embracing, accepting, and unconditionally loving my whole self.
So where do I go from here? I am embarking on my most arduous journey yet. My journey is not about dieting and weight loss. Rather, it is about learning to welcome all of my feelings, no matter how hard or uncomfortable, without eating them. I want to explore how to be kinder with all parts of myself particularly those parts that I am ashamed of. Hopefully, I will finally relax in my messy and imperfect life recognizing that even in my brokenness I am enough.
I will need support and guidance on my journey. To that end I have a circle of individuals to support and guide me. My support circle’s job is twofold: to set the proverbial table and hold me accountable. I must do the work.
As always be encouraged, inspired, and empowered.