Future Suicide Note
One perspective on suicide
Let me be clear. Suicide is not something I would choose for myself. Not today. But, as someone who has situational depression, there are days that I have to sit and write down all the reasons that I have to live. There are days I have to tell my husband that I shouldn’t be alone.
Last night, I attended the funeral service for a dear friend who left us at her own hand, with no note, no explanation. She was literally the happiest person I knew (at least I thought so…) and that made her loss all the more shocking and impossible to accept. The loss has been heartbreaking & faith-shaking, and there aren’t words enough to share the grief and loss that her actions caused.
While I don’t know why she did what she did, I can offer up my perspective, knowing that in some ways it is universal to many that battle with depression. As someone whose job if very public — I have become very good at filtering out what people see of my life — but please know that just as my dear friend did — those of us fighting depression may leave you at any time — and it’s not your fault.
The darkness bubbles up in tiny cracks, in quiet places, during times of heavy stress. The world all at once seems too heavy and too dark to take. I feel everything. I see all the evil in the world. I know too much in those moments about the universe and how ineffective my efforts to change it are. I know all of the reasons I have to live: my God, my kids, my husband, my friends, my family, my clients, my passion projects… but they are merely a fact — one that I can’t FEEL when as the serotonin and norepinephrine ebb low in my brain. The darkness of the world feels heavier and more real than any of the reasons we have to stay in it.
Suicide is the north pole. I am the south pole. Depression, anxiety are the magnetic force that pull us together. When I’m in the throes of depression’s chemical hold, I imagine my lifeless body being drawn against my will in that direction, feet dragging but not struggling, suicide the inevitable.
Just as you might seek some release in your life with a glass of whiskey after a long hard day, depression leads us to a release — but in the cloud of darkness, it’s nearly impossible to fully understand its permanence — and there is no “undo” button.
This is something I am working to fight every single day — and today’s a good day — but I don’t know what tomorrow holds. On behalf of myself, and others in my same boat, please know that if we leave you, it’s not personal. We have lost a battle — against a chemical imbalance. We chose relief, release. It wasn’t a coward’s way out. It was an end to pain.
Please don’t let this shake your faith in God. He made us. He has a plan for us. Just hold those that remain tighter, and help those that face this same battle get the help they need.