Hours toe-curling, multiple orgasming, hair pulling sex and not even a scratch in the walls.

As always your comments and responses always gets me stroking my chin in retrospection.

I think that intimacy is a funny thing in that everyone assumes if your clothes are off then you must have it… right? But, for me at least, I can remove my clothes without removing the layers of my emotional scars I hide so well. They are perfectly in front of another without the person I’m with ever seeing it.

Cuddling is something that makes me feel vulnerable because the person I did it with would criticize me during it. My hair itched his skin, he hated me running my fingertips up and down his arm and that made him antsy. I’d do it, try to relax, but I could literally feel his skin crawling. So, it puts me on edge and it’s hard for me to relax or trust someone to do it especially. Even if I play with them it’s like okay… fun play session, let’s do it again soon. 💋

Since the sex was lacking in my last relationship, to non-existent, I’d say this is less to a no-trigger with me. Hence, clothes tumble off and I just feel empowered. Ready for it, ready for them, to make our breathing into a panting rhythm perfectly aligned with another.

I say that cuddling can make it paper thin if I’m that kind of open with a man. I have also cuddled, for their sake, without intimacy. I guess for me the ultimate intimacy is showing my scars, and mainly my softness, and not having them burn those vulnerable insides. Because my outside is nothing but fuck this shit and I don’t give a flying fuck.

My insides are that I don’t want to depend on you. I don’t want you to see my ‘weakness’ and be repulsed by it. But, everyone is a mixture of strength and weakness throughout their lives. I just like to hide my anger, sadness, anything that makes me more ‘human’ in real life.

But, you’ve definitely made me do some chin stroking, which is fun and the self-introspection is what I live on and love.