The Virtuous Distrust

How to teach yourself to trust others, and that shit is not easy.

MentalDessert
Aug 8, 2017 · 4 min read

“People can and will fuck you over. It’s just a matter of when so keep them out of your life. You’ll be safe if you’re alone and only rely on us..”

These words repeat in my head like a fucked up broken record. A self fulfilling prophecy that I’m trying to break out of.

I think of the person I was tied to where we’ve now ended things. They were my main cheerleader and my constant. My whole world, the sun I revolved around because they gave me the freedom I always craved. A great person but with their own faults just like I have my own. If you asked me to list my faults I can give them to you easily:

The Bad Shit Of Me

  • I’m untrusting, incredibly and painfully just so.
  • There’s being incredibly guarded to the point I always have walls up. I use humor to diffuse situations and disarm people.
  • I am predisposed to be negative because of my upbringing. I was taught that everyone is just here to screw you over, so be prepared for that shit happening.

Friendships will always fall apart and you will give more than you will ever get. This is another thing I was taught since childhood. Only your family will ever ‘get you.’

All of this is bullshit, and my own insecurity of having my ego injured. The truth of the matter is that living in this world is being hurt and feeling pain.

I’ve been numb most of my life and a one woman island. Taking on the world and it’s challenges with my own weaponry of humor and an impenetrable armor. I called myself ‘Aggressive’ recently and had this description challenged. What made me so aggressive?

When you learn to protect yourself there are shields worn. People who meet me consistently touch me, as if accessing my body’s reactions. I will immediately alert them to this intrusion of my personal bubble.

The Past And Me

I’ve had things happen to me where I need to be careful because I had to fight to get people to stop when I was younger. There are parts of my life that the details of what happened are so sharp the edges cut me when I look back on them. It’s like looking through a magnifying lens to see the most horrific thing intensified for you to view.

I survived not because of anyone saying they were sorry. My mind pushed forward and I dissociated from that part of my life. It’s always there though, these skeletons, reminding me of why I have every reason to be cautious.

I should be cruel because of what I have been put through. Instead, I’m a person who wants to know people on a level that is deeply complex. There’s this need to pull back layers of their skin to see the heart beating underneath. When I engage with someone I want to know about their past, present, and their passions, and why they aren’t doing them right in this moment.

I let others talk about themselves and I’m genuinely interested. Learning about alternative paths of life always blows my mind how the human species is so alike, yet intrinsically different. Some people may go through hell and never create guards for others to push through. While others may make the thickest, most impenetrable protection for their emotions and true self.

I’m a fortress of a person, but I’m letting down my gates slowly but surely. There have been so many situations this year where the younger me wouldn’t believe what I did. Trusting to follow others I just met into new adventures, places, and enjoying every minute of it.

The Secret To Embracing It All

The secret is that I’m receptive to these mind opening experiences. My body opens only if someone can find that one trigger, that delicious sensation to get me out of my head. It’s rare, but not as much as years upon years of living with the continued starvation of touch.

I feel like a piece of clay being molded by all these different hands from all these people I meet. I’m forming into this new woman molded with the hell she went through and the present she embraces now. It’s twisted, fucked up, gorgeous, and a horrifying exhibition all wrapped up in one.

This a special kind of masterpiece only the select few will get. But, I’m okay with only being consumed and appreciated by a limited audience.


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MentalDessert

Written by

I'm unapologetically me with a hard edged view of life. I love to travel and have crazy amounts of fun spaced between quiet moments.

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