The Hidden Monster Within Me
I feel it crawling beneath the surface of my psyche. Like a slithering creature just looking to take control of my emotion. It gives me an excuse to act irrational. This is a feeling I rarely acknowledge, or that doesn’t visit me often. It only comes to the surface in my relationships with others.
“You aren’t good enough for them. They’re choosing to spend time with someone else because you’re worthless.”
It’s a horrible sound and it causes an itching sensation I just want to scratch. I want to give into it. Instead of wishing, with the goodness I have, that they have a great time I want to just go into silence.
I want to never rely on this person again.
Because I feel like it’s a matter of time before they abandon me. I don’t need them anyways, since they have an overflow of friendships.
It’s all in preservation of myself and my own ego. I know all of this rationally that this cascade of different emotions is in reaction to feeling like I’m not needed. Or wanted. Or enough for someone to make time for and the truth of it is that it’s my insecurity.
I was raised being told I wasn’t enough. It was my anthem and my unfortunate song that kept playing throughout twenty five years of my life.
I’ve morphed into a very different human being since I’ve struck out on my own. But there’s always that little girl, deep within me, that never made any friends. And she liked it better being alone because it meant emotions were a lot more controlled. I didn’t have the unpredictability of someone letting me down. I was a black sheep and a lone wolf all wrapped up in one tightly bound package.
I’m not jealous of another person’s material worth, lifestyle, or anything else. I could careless about status symbols that people flash to show they have the money for material wealth. It’s only friendships where jealousy whispers in my ear, seductively, that I am not worthy of friends.
I try to quiet it, but there are certain days where it sounds appealing. To not give a damn about anyone, to live like a recluse yet again. Because I can’t handle the idea that I’m not enough for someone.
You made it to the bottom… yay. If you dig this, ❤️️ it! Please and cupcakes. (Or… that’s what they tell me to do at least.)