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When is the right moment to say ‘It’s Over?’

I’m always the one doing this, it being the action of breaking up with someone. The one who breaks hearts and says when enough is enough. There hasn’t been one time that a relationship was ended by the other person. I face this task now and I can feel myself trying to find that ‘right moment.’
If we aren’t arguing it should keep going, right? I’ve never been as involved with someone as I am now. We are entwined in a way I would normally never allow to happen. I’ve gotten cozy, comfortable, but none of my needs or their needs are being met. And as they expressed recently each year we get worse.
I’m resolved and done using my voice. Nothing can be done when the person you’re attached to refuses to adapt. My mantra has always been I will never change any person. But, I’ve been starved for years and finally my body has said enough is enough.
I’ve snuffed out my needs with the heel of my shoe hoping the embers of desire stay extinguished. Then I met a Catalyst, and another fell into my life.
One of my first long term relationships was a long distance one. He was enamored with me in a way that made me feel special. This man was seven years older yet I felt like I was always the older one. He also was a submissive man that lived to serve and service a woman. I delved into sex toys during that time and under the bed restraints.
He was a man that had a Dom woman before he met me. The kinks he had didn’t align correctly with mine. But, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship with my first short term boyfriend so his kindness felt amazing.
I was raised in a family that withheld love and where I was told I was never enough. Having such devoted love was addictive even though I wasn’t as attracted to him as he was to me.
At the end of our relationship he proposed to me without a ring. I said yes, and told my family. They didn’t approve and my younger self knew something was off. I wasn’t excited about this prospect of marrying this man.
Within two weeks I rejected the engagement proposal and we broke up. His heart was broken and I remember how shook up he was. And I felt inhuman that I didn’t feel the same.
Our lives keep moving forward but we’re stuck in the same place. I change, adapt, turn into this person I hardly know but I love her so fiercely. She isn’t like that young woman who accepted the undying love of another.
Don’t be my entire world
That young woman wanted them to make her their entire world. That’s how my mother and father live. They are miserable together and wallow in that misery.
My mother doesn’t want to go outside in the world because she’ll be hurt by others. My father wants desperately to make friends but this makes my mother feel at risk of him leaving. So, my father bends to her will and sees his family in secrecy. He doesn’t make friendships and so they are trapped in a self fulfilling loop.
Our lives we keep repeating history but we’re blind to see it since we’re living in it in this moment. I’ve always been adept at seeing patterns in life, people, drawing connections in the air like no one else.
I don’t know how I haven’t seen this connection. Except maybe I didn’t want to, as I kept screaming at the sky that I can fix this. I can fix us, if I just express what’s wrong we can work on this shit and not be my parents.
There is no perfect moment
The truth is that there is no ‘perfect moment’ to end something. There are times I try to be rational that I don’t have the strength to do this. Yet, I know that is a half assed lie. Because I play out the scenario in my head and my voice is even. I say it as simply as if I’m asking whether they would like me to cook for dinner or we should order take out.
I’ve been resolved to leave this for years now. Something has always happened where I decide that the moment can’t be now.
I’m scared of my freedom. I’m excited by it in the same moment, to be someone where my independence is fully realized. Will I become drunk off it? Will I become one of those recluses that swears off the world and hides in her den?
I feel impossibly numb, like things happen to me, cutting my skin, yet I don’t feel it. There’s this constant realization chips are happening in my armor I wear but I don’t care. My biggest fear is that the person I’m with won’t survive. That I will hurt them in a way they won’t recover.
We as human beings have to survive everything, don’t we?
