A Contradiction in Terms

Setting: Early Thursday evening. Downtown Montreal (Canada). Bar Furco. One of my #ThirstyThursday hangouts. It’s 5 à 7. Otherwise known as Happy Hour in the rest of the world. Today, the suits and pencil skirts flock together for their weekly banter.

The creatives are easily spotted amongst the gaggle. Dressed in black leather or ripped jeans. We are a contradiction in this setting. We like it like that. Discomfort is what we strive on to be better artists, writers or designers.

My Thursday night wouldn’t be complete without my friend. Let’s call her Esther for anonymity (she will know who she is). She does not “look” like an Esther to me but feel free to interpret it however you want. Her midnight black hair set against her milky-white complexion catches your eye. Maybe it’s her understated elegance that attracts your attention. Perhaps it’s her quirky nature. This sociable introvert fits perfectly into my story of contradiction.

It’s fascinating, no matter how jam-packed this watering-hole is, somehow we always manage to navigate our way through and anchor ourselves in the same spot week after week. Shall we call it masterful prowess or divine intervention. Or perhaps, it’s mere coincidence.

We don’t waste our time with chit-chat. The drinks are our top priority. Once in hand, we are ready to dive into our “debate of the day”. Depending on our mood, it could be light or it could be profound. But mostly, it’s always about men. Who are we kidding? No matter how much I love to hate them, I am at this bar not only for a meeting of minds but for a whirlwind of attention.

Between the casual glances and flirty smiles, we find our way into precarious territory. The emotional walls start to build up — Trump-approved. And we find ourselves at odds with each other. The beauty of friendship is just that. If we are friends, we have reserved the right to be forthright and prickly.

And the questions begin, “How can you love yourself if you can’t be open to love? Why are you afraid of love? Why don’t you just admit that you want to be in love? Why don’t you just let it all go and go for it?”

All so easy to say but most people live their whole lives never understanding what love really is or even experiencing it to its full potential. Don’t get me wrong, I’m certain there are many who have and currently do. But what is love? And how do you measure it? What if my potential to love is greater than yours — does that make me a better LOVER (lol) or a more complete person?

And why we do put so much pressure on ourselves (and our friends) to find this LOVE? More often than not, it comes laced with disappointment and heartbreak. And no, I’m not that bitter woman who is forsaking love for singlehood. And, I’m not making excuses to avoid falling in love again.

A better part of my life (20 years or so) was dedicated to baring my soul to men. In those years, I learned a lot about my inner workings. With each new relationship, more hurt was uncovered. Wounds of the inner kind take a bit longer to heal than surface ones.

And maybe, just maybe there is a touch of fear involved in my regard to love. Since closing my business and starting a new chapter as freelancer, I find myself in a new domain with a wavering income. I lived the better part of my life on top of my Finances. Now, this Taurus has to contend with being second tier in a relationship. This could be a stumbling block.

But, why can’t I be at odds with it? The same way we are at odds with understanding these fellows from Mars. It’s silly that I have to square myself in a box and feel the way “they” do. It’s not the be all and end all.

I can admit that I miss the affections of a man. Sometimes when I lie in bed, I summon up the sensation of a man’s touch. And when it’s time to satisfy the carnal desires, I go out to get it if need be.

But, mostly I am happy being alone. And it’s this very statement that seems to be daunting to most women. They just don’t believe me when I say it. It’s unheard of. “We know you better than that. You want it but you won’t admit it to yourself.” Why can’t I be my own contradiction in terms? Why can’t I be scattered when it comes to love? Why do I need to define who I am when it comes to love?

God knows, Esther is struggling with it as well. She is open to love and I commend her for it but why is she still single? It’s not because she’s a horrible person. In fact, she’s loving and generous and kind. She’s proactive with dating sites and generally outgoing. She puts herself out there and yet she is where I am.

In the end, we are all seeking happiness. If for some, it encompasses a man, babies and a white picket fence — so be it! I’m not in that space anymore. Having a child was not in my life plan. It seems, it’s reserved for my next lifetime. No Regrets. I have learned to accept it. The same way I have learned to accept my queries about True Love.

Listen, if the right man finds his way to me, I’m willing to give it a chance. But in the same breath I can, with conviction, say that if it doesn’t happen; I will be okay with it. I have loved many times. I know what it feels like.

I don’t have answers. I have many questions.

I want love and to be loved. And sometimes I don’t want it all.

I love myself and sometimes I hate myself.

I am generally a happy person but I often fall into darkness.

I’m a walking contradiction. And I’m okay with it.

Please don’t tell me to change or try to guide me to your way of thinking.

I may sound confused to you but I’m really just discovering myself (again and again!).

Love will find a way….but it may not be YOUR way!

Peace. S.