How it Feels To Lose Someone You Love More Than Yourself

How does it feel to lose someone you love more than yourself? I can’t really identify with the question fully, this business of loving someone more than the self (perhaps nearly on par…)

I’ll tell you what it was like when my brother passed. It was surreal. He was my older brother and he was part of the world as I understood it. The grass had always been green. The sun had always been warm, and my brother had always been around. A decade later and it still doesn’t seem real, like either I had dreamed him up or his passing itself had been a waking dream.

It was also… otherworldly in the months leading up to his death.

He had cancer, and it was quite a sight to see this stocky quarterback be devoured by a wispy, skeletal frame. I recall a few times when he had randomly grabbed my bicep for a second and immediately let go. It was odd at the time. I realized why he did it one time when I was helping him up, and noticed that his arms were thinner than mine, and I’d always been slender. It was surreal. I remember looking at him and not recognizing him. I remember looking at him and thinking, “that’s not my brother.”

But it was my brother. I think it was the truest form of my brother because when he got sick it wasn’t just his physical form that changed; His demeanor changed. He personality was more free, more open. I guess there’s nothing like death to remind us of life.

Through he endured pain, I’m glad he had that opportunity to live his truth and “awaken” in a way I don’t think he would have had the opportunity to do had he gone quickly.

I know you can’t read this, but I love you, big bro! May Allah have mercy on you, protect you, and grant you peace. Ameen!

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