She asked me why I was so sad he won…
The night of the election I had dozed off with the tv on. My husband working on his lap top by my side. The process was moving too slow to keep me awake after my busy day. I awoke to see him walking across the stage to give his speech. It felt like a dream. I didn’t feel real. In fact his whole campaign didn’t feel real. But at the same time the physical sickness I felt in my body was so real. As real as a punch in the gut. I tossed and turned all night and went to work the next day depressed. As I walked in to work I saw my three coworkers who I know voted for him huddled together in a circle. I could only imagine what they were talking about. They were happy. How could they be happy about something I was so sad about? I know these people. They and kind honest people. How could they get past the things I find to be so vile and despicable? I couldn’t even look at them, I turned and walked the other way. Later that day I sat down with my coworker and told her how sick I felt. I told her that the little girl inside of me that has been thinking for the past year, “wow there really could be a woman present!”… that little girl got punched in the gut. She understood that, but asked me, “why are you so sad he won?”. So many things rushed to my mind that I couldn’t properly answer her. I don’t even remember what I said but I do remember how the question stayed with me all day. Why was I so sad?
Was it because I have interracial children? Does his victory indicate a rejection of multiculturalism in this country? No this can’t be true. I know people who voted for him. They are not rasist. I know they are out there, the people who would treat my children unkindly, but I know at least in our community their diversity is not in issue. In fact it makes them special and are treated as such. This was not why I was most sad.
Was it because so many people could get past his treatment of women? Was it because his comments about touching someone with out consent brought up memories of my own experience of being grabbed and digitally penetrated by someone who thought that I would let them. This is really up there on the list but doesn’t top it.
The real, deep rooted reason I am so sad he won is because of his lack of kindness. Every day when I drop my children off at school I ask them what are our two rules are. They always respond, “Number one, work hard. Number two, be kind”. If that is all my children learn from me I will be happy. Because I truly believe that if you work hard and are kind you will succeed in this world. But him winning disproves that. Him winning proves that if you have money you don’t have to be kind, or even work that hard for that matter. Him winning is an embodiment of what I find to be most disheartening in this life. And that is what I am most sad about.