Ghostbusters 2016 Was Not Good.

Stop trying to pretend it was. Look, I get it. People want to see more women in leading roles, and they should. Women ought to be in more science-fiction films. Women ought to be recognized as being perfectly capable of being funny as men.

This film still sucks. It’s torn between wanting to do its own thing, which it’s not funny enough to be, and trying to repeat the same beats as the original Ghostbusters, whilst insulting the original audience of the previous franchise. It reminds me of that part in the Bible, Revelations, where Jesus talks about “you are neither hot, nor cold, so I wish to spit you from my mouth”.

Because it can’t be either one, it makes me want to puke. The pacing was off. The jokes were subpar. The material wasn’t gripping, the special effects were rotten and the plot is a ripoff of superhero films. There’s even kind of a “big bad shooting the beam into the sky” bit.

Stop trying to die on a crappy remake’s hill in the name of showing up those “stupid sexist trolls”. It just makes you look dumb and partisan. The film isn’t worth it’s weight in ecto-cooler!

I’m not gonna talk about the film YET. No. I wanna talk about the REACTION so far.

Let’s look at the Metacritic scores. Based on critical scores, it’s around 6. User scores are 2.9 at this time. http://www.metacritic.com/movie/ghostbusters-2016

IMDB? 5.4. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1289401/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Rotten Tomatoes? Critics are in the 70’s, audience has it at around 53. https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/ghostbusters_2016/

And according to the IMDB demographics breakdown, at least for their own ratings, men are rating it around a 4 whilst women are rating it in the 7’s and 8’s.

I can explain why the big gap. There’s several camps. First, those who actually do like the film. Then there’s the “Oh these sexist assholes, I’m gonna give it the highest vote I can, THIS’LL fucking show them”. And then there’s “Well it wasn’t that good, but I want to see more films with women in lead roles so I’m gonna give it a high vote”. That’s a reasonable enough intention. But it’s also dishonest.

As for the guys? Well, their camps are around this:

“This film’s not equal to the ones that came before so I’m downvoting it.”

“The franchise was a part of my childhood, I drank Ecto Cooler for lunch, had a Slimer lunchbox and this is peeing on my childhood and wearing it’s face to try and sell me on nostalgia, so fuck it, I’m downvoting it for exploiting something I loved”.

“I hate reboots and remakes, there’s too many of them today, so I’m downvoting it.”

“This film isn’t funny, so I’m downvoting it.”

And finally the “UGH, WOMEN” camp who will downvote it on principle. But even with them factored in, there’s four other genuine, honest reasons to dislike it. If you dislike it primarily because of the women, I choose not to be associated with you. But if you support this film SOLELY because you want to give the finger to sexists or because you just want to see more films with women, I cannot support that either. Better films deserve being stood up for. This is not one of them. And that’s all I will say for now. Cuz this film was a major disappointment for me.

I didn’t grow up with Ghostbusters like I did Pokemon. I didn’t see any of the cartoons. I saw the films when I was an TEENAGER, my parents rented the films for me. I loved them a lot, but I’ve no nostalgia goggles to slide over my face. I haven’t seen any of Paul Feig’s films, nor do I have any special attachment to any of the actresses. And I’m a liberal who feels women are often shortchanged in real life, held to double standards men are not. I’m pretty much a blank slate for the MOST part. The kind of person Sony would love to see love this film.

I didn’t.

Why? It’s simple. I’m going to list EVERYTHING I found wrong with the film in a list format. I will make my case, and if you disagree, feel free to explain why in the comments.

Here goes.

And, of course…

SPOILERS.

  1. Chris Hemsworth’s character is funny at first until you realize how incredibly idiotic and dumb he is. He comes off as absolutely retarded. I am NOT exaggerating. As in he’s so stupid, you wonder how he learned to read a classified ad PERIOD. His antics cease to be amusing when he keeps…being…dumb. He never changes. He never gets more intelligent or nice. He’s…just…dumb. And it’s insulting because Annie Potts from the original films wasn’t dumb or stupid. She wasn’t a dumb blonde stereotype. She was intelligent and witty and FUNNY. Chris isn’t. Worse still, him being an idiot ties into another problem I have with the film…
  2. Every male character is either an idiotic moron or a jerk in some variety. Anyone that has a real “personality” and more than just one scene, and even some who only HAVE one scene are total jerks or just exist to move the plot along. The mayor and his men are jerkoffs. Bill Murrary’s character who’s a skeptic is a jerkoff. The Dean of the school that Kristin Whig’s character is kicked out of? Jerkoff. The main villain is an internet troll-style jerkoff. The ARMY and the POLICE are jerkoffs and they’re stupid, as is Chris, their secretary. EVERY GUY IS A MORON. And I know why. Because they’re trying to go for the “Girl Power” angle to show how good the Ghostbusters are. That’s not progressive, that’s just a gender flip. It’s a gimmick. It just legitimizes the criticism leveled at your film by the sexist assholes when you try to feed the troll IN your very film. A truly progressive film would have had both genders be equal, not saying one is better than the other. You’re making the same mistake bad cartoons like the PPG Reboot and TTG make.
  3. The effects look like they came from the live action Scooby Doo films, or the Haunted Mansion. They look TEEERRRIBLE.
  4. Evidently, despite having VIDEO EVIDENCE OF GHOSTS, the Dean kicks Kristen Whig’s character out and thinks that because she believed in the supernatural a while back, oh, that must mean she’s a kook. I can get the second one. MAYBE. But they clearly caught on camera a real ghost, and none of the women have the MONEY nor the TECHNOLOGY to fake something like that. Anyone with half a brain could have figured out a MERE COLLEGE PROFESSOR AND TWO UNEMPLOYED WOMEN DON’T HAVE THE SKILL TO MAKE “FAKE” GHOSTS LIKE THAT.
  5. Also evidently, after beating the final gigantic ghost villain that the main big bad turns into…who’s a living monstrous representation of the ghostbusters Ghost (a fuck you if I ever saw it) and closing the portal he made? AAAAALL the damage got reversed. How? I DON’T KNOW. BECAUSE POTATOES. IT JUST HAPPENS. And it gets worse because…
  6. THEY SHOOT THE GUY IN THE DICK TO BEAT HIM. THEY CROSS THE STREAMS AND SHOOT HIM IN HIS BALLS.
  7. AND! SOMEHOW! NOOOOBODY SAW ANYTHING! Evidently NOBODY had their smartphone out! And NOBODY is sure what just happened happened! That doesn’t even BEGIN to make sense, IT’S NEW YORK CITY! There’s people with phones everywhere and traffic cams and all that! People would NOTICE!
  8. The villain’s petty and stupid and not comparable to the last ones in the franchise. He’s badly written. Also, HOW is he able to do all the things he does? He’s not a sorcerer supreme like Vigo was. He’s not a demonic god-esque Ctuhluloid horror like Gozer! He’s just some pissed off misanthrope! HOW can he turn into what he turns into? Or control ALL the people sent to stop him?!
  9. The dance number during the credits. I am SURE Paul Feig wanted to include more of it. It’s tacky and stupid.
  10. I wasn’t scared one bit. Nor even creeped out. The first film had a lot of creepy, strange moments. The demon dogs. The Librarian. Gozer. All scary. Nothing in this was scary.
  11. The first real joke in the film is…well, it’s a joke about queefs. Not a fart joke, oh no! Cuz that one came from the front. I’m not kidding you. Actual line. ““Is it more or less disgustingif I tell you it came from the front?”
  12. Chris has a pet he’d like to bring in. He pronounces it like “My cat”. They say he can’t bring cats into the Chinese restaurant they have as their HQ. He says that’s okay, cuz he has a dog. Evidently his dog’s name is “Mike Hat”. “Mike Hat”. “My Cat”. GET IT?! GET IT?!?
  13. The only good cameo is Dan Akroyd. But Bill Murray, the skeptic, the one Sony brought LITIGATION against unless he joined the film…gets killed by the Ghostbusters. See, he wants proof they caught a ghost. So they release that draconic ghost you saw (who’s not really EXPLAINED how it’s a dragon ghost)…and it ends up killing him. Like…tossed out a window. SPLAT. He’s DEAD. So in this “progressive” film…a woman feels the only way she can be vindicated…is through the approval of a male authority figure. explain to me again how it’s the CRITICS of your film that had mistaken, sexist views again, Mr. Fieg?
  14. The ONLY ghost they actually catch? That dragon ghost. And they let him get away. There’s no montage of them catching lots of ghosts. Furthermore, why catch ghosts at all if, in the climax, their tech can just OBLITERATE them with punches and stuff? That makes no sense!
  15. Oh, so you wanna make the argument Chris Hemsworth’s character is meant to be a satire on the dumb blonde? WELCOME TO BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, IDIOT! That trope was dead TWENTY YEARS AGO. Friday the 13th took that trope outside the barn and shot it! SCREAM already killed that cliche off. NOBODY seriously uses the dumb blonde cliche unless it’s a period piece “Mad Men” style or a bad comedy! And this was a bad comedy alright, but not on purpose.
  16. This film feels like a satire of Ghostbusters and not a true Ghostbusters. It’s like they stuck the Ghostbusters label on a bad Melissa McCarthy comedy.
  17. Leslie Jones is playing a stereotype. She’s “street smart”. She plays the loud black woman character. She’s the nuturing “mommy” type on top of being the “smack a ghost upside its head” type black woman. She’s a black stereotype with a friggin’ gold chain that says “PATTY” around her neck and a belt that reads ‘Oh no he di’int”. I’m not kidding you. It was ONE STEP AWAY FROM HER EATING FRIED CHICKEN. That’s just REAAAAAL progressive. Ernie HUDSON didn’t come off as that black. And he didn’t come off as dumb, either. Patty does. She’s like MADEA THE GHOSTBUSTER!
  18. They go on Youtube to read negative comments and whine about poor them. They’re feeding the trolls and tossing anyone with legit complaints about them under the bus the same way Sony did.
  19. There’s no sense that Kristen Whig and Melissa McCarthy had a real relationship before they evidently drifted apart. It’s not fully developed like it should have been. They don’t give NEARLY enough attention to trying to repair what should have been a heavily damaged formerly deep friendship.
  20. The Mayor and his folks keep insisting the Ghostbusters should let them handle things, but they don’t do jack s — t except insult the Ghostbusters. There’s NO evidence they have ANY way of handling ghosts besides covering up the fact after. It’s a waste of time and it just makes them look stupid and their inclusion in the film pointless.
  21. As you can tell, this film made me angry. I had to watch stuff like this. When you SMART people out there probably went to go rewatch Finding Dory, which was a quality, heartfelt, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL film. Go back and see THAT instead if you can. Or go see Star Trek Beyond, I hear good things about that. And if you want to say “Well, I want women to have good films”…
  22. Support films like the Hunger Games, or Aliens, or Rouge One, or Star Wars the Force Awakens or keep pushing for a Black Widow movie, or, again, see Finding Dory, Dory is a female lead! Women and girls deserve better than Ghostbusters 2016 in my opinion. Plain and simple.

And that’s ALL I’m saying.