Week 5, ICE ICE Baby

Nick Salvador

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Feb 25, 2017 · 6 min read

After a tumultuous first month, we were hoping for a breather. Good luck with that.

1. In a much needed vacation from his duties in the WH, Mr. Trump finally took a weekend to re-charge at his exclusive Florida club, Mar-a-West Palm Beach Traffic Jam. On the way he found time to stop for a 2020 campaign rally at the Orlando airport, where he took time to sexually stimulate a few thousand sweaty white Floridians wearing red-necked MAGA hats.
2. In a stirring reminder of the dangerous times in which we live, Trump references Thursday nights tragic events in Sweden. Sweden apologizes for under-cooking the Ikea meatballs, because pretty much nothing much else happened.
3. Eliciting support for the First Amendment (of the Constitution for any Republicans reading this), “No one loves the First Amendment more than me”, Trump declares the media an “enemy of the people” and pissing away the concept known as Freedom of the Press. In response, the people believe the “enemy” over Trump by a 52–38% margin, with 10% of the people having moved into caves for the next 3.9 years.
4. In an unusual twist, Trump selects Army LGen H.R. McMaster to replace Russian spy Michael Flynn as National Security Advisor. The nation falls silent while scratching their heads…this is a sign that he’s not trying to deconstruct the NSC with a total fuck-up as leader. LGEN McMaster is a brilliant tactician, manager, and scholar who has been critical of the DoD and administration in his professional writings and doctoral thesis. We’ll see if he can neuter the influence of Darth Bannon on the NSC.
5. In nationwide raids, ICE and CBP agents begin rounding up Los Hombres Muy Malo (not the Mariachi Band) for deportation. In the process they also snag Las Madres muy buena y los ninos DACA, a woman (already in custody mind you) awaiting brain surgery for a tumor, and a Mexican woman seeking a protection order from an abusive boyfriend. Technically speaking, she received it, as she’s now in custody. 680 people are apprehended under heavy publicity and chest pounding by El Presidente Naranja who declared the round up a military operation. This declaration was immediately repudiated by Sec. Kelly who really didn’t want to have his nuts removed by another federal court justice. This number, of course, falls just a bit short of the 16K+ illegals deported in relative silence in December of 2016 under the Obama administration. Trump, a deportation loser.
6. Attempting to sweep up after a month long episode of Fractured Fairy Tales, SecDef Mattis, and VP Pence travel the globe attempting to re-assure our allies that indeed, we’re still there for them. Generally speaking, the response from EU and NATO leaders is tepid, tending towards skeptical given Trumps continued twittering and an undefined PDA allowed relationship with Russia.
7. Kim Jong Un, tired of being the Number 2 Madman on the planet, has his brother poisoned at an Indonesian airport, thereby regaining his place as Number 1 Crazy Leader, and his seat next to Milo Yiannopolis as world’s most obnoxious dipshit, albeit one with nuclear weapons and a very very big Estes rocket.
8. SecState Tillerson and DHS Sec. Kelly visit Mexico to explain new U.S. deportation policy, which includes deportation of non Mexicans to Mexico, which bore the predictable “you want to fucking bet?” response from Mexico. They were also greeted with a bus sign (this is real) that said “Nosotros Mexicanos chinga su madre”, which roughly translates to “We are Mexicans and we have a great physical love for your mothers.” Tillerson’s visit was made more productive by his boss continuing to criticize Mexico during Tillerson’s talks. Suffice it to say, we’re going to have a Chinese port in Mexico.
9. In a victory for people that whiten their teeth using activated charcoal, Trump, his new EPA administrator Scott “CO2 is breathable” Pruitt, and a brain dead republican congress repeal the Obama prohibition on dumping coal waste in our waterways. Residents of WV, KY, and Southern OH will once again be able to get their charcoal products directly from the bathroom and kitchen faucets.
10. As pressure ever so slowly builds to get clarity on Trump’s personal and financial relationship with Putin and god only knows how many other Russian oligarchs (in Russia they frown on the use of the expression “murdering fucking mobster”), Russian diplomats begin dropping like flies of “natural causes”. Substantial evidence, beyond Trump’s own declaration that “Putin and I have a relationship” back in 2012 has accrued that Trump and his campaign associates have had close and continued contact with the Russian regime; and it might go deeper than a little bit of hooker urine.
11. Falling a few vertebrae short of a spine, Sen. McCain stands up in support of the media and First Amendment stating “This is how dictatorships start”, without actually saying that Trump is acting like an incipient dictator, or standing up to and supporting any investigation of ties between Russia and Trump. Then he hauls ass to Syria because it’s safer than talking to Arizonans.
12. Fearing confrontation with “paid activists”, republican congresspersons by and large decline to participate in district Town Hall meetings. Will someone let me know who to invoice? I’ve been getting stiffed.
13. Trump initiates investigation and review of U.S. intelligence agencies by another Wall Street billionaire and financial ally. He seems not to understand the fact that four of our allies share directly in our SIGINT products, and they’re all paying attention. Those calls from his staff to Russia? Yeah, everyone’s been listening in.
14. In a request from the WH to the FBI to squelch media reports of the Putin-Trump Men Seeking Men connection, the FBI declines to become involved in “calling balls and strikes” between real and fake news sources and the WH.
15. Opting to shelve angry white man and oppressed Santa Monica HS and Duke University white nationalist Steven “Tupac” Miller for better visuals, the WH sends Senior WH Strategist Alt.President Steven Bannon to the CPAC conference. Presenting a slightly less “crazy eyed killer” persona than Miller, Bannon declares that the right is going to have to fight to get the government back into their hands, as “the opposition (meaning the media) isn’t going to give it up easily. He also tells us what we already knew: the Trump cabinet was selected to destruct the government and it’s institutions as we know it. For some reason, tourism to the United States is falling precipitously.
16. Observing that Russia gets a few more nuclear weapons than the U.S. under our most recent nuclear arms reduction treaty, Trump unilaterally declares that the U.S. needs enough nuclear weapons to be numerically superior…once again proving that he knows nothing about uranium, plutonium, near instantaneous nuclear fission, radiation, fallout, and eradication of the human race. Hey we’re number 1!
17. In a move designed to keep ACLU lawyers busy for decades to come, at least thirteen states have proposed laws to punish protesters, either through fines, imprisonment, or asset forfeiture. North Dakota makes it legal for drivers to run over protesters blocking thoroughfares. I don’t know if you want to wear lights, bright clothes including pink hats, or reflective material…it might make it easier to aim at you.
18. CBP in support of ICE flushes the Fourth and Fifth Amendments and DEMANDS that passengers flying DIRECT from SFO to JFK to “show me your papers” in order to be permitted to disembark. We may have finally jumped the shark as a nation if we allow this to become common practice.
19. Inspired by the desire to remove virtually any sense of joy from our lives, Press Sec. Sean Melissa Spicer announces that the DOJ under AG and Neo Nazi Jeff Sessions may begin to crack down on those states that have approved recreational use of marijuana. Nabisco Oreos stock immediately plunges. May I suggest Googling “Jury Nullification”? Just in case you’re called you know.
20. WH Press Sec. Spicer bans CNN, the NYT, and Politico from an off camera news conference, in an attempt to punish them for publishing news that is not complimentary to our Narcissist in Cheeto. Instead, alt.right propagandists, Breitbart, One America News, and the Wash. Times are given seats at the table. That choking sound you hear…it’s the Constitution.

For a week in which nothing overtly spectacular happened other than the Swedish tragedy, Trump managed to fill the papers with his non achievements, including ignoring the fielding of a prohibited cruise missile by Putin/Russia. The major takeaway from this week is that nationally, the First Amendment and Freedom of the Press is under attack, both from Trump’s WH and our State governments. In addition, a move towards a more authoritarian and militaristic CBP and ICE, in conjunction with compliant police forces threatens our Fourth and Fifth Amendment protections. We cannot afford to let this slide. Be aware, be vocal, and stay dogged in your resistance.

That’s your week in 20.