What are you so afraid of? (VIII)

Floating.
Floating.
Aug 24, 2017 · 8 min read

Hey people! It’s been a minute but I’m doing better, by the grace of God and the solidarity shown by my friends. I wanted to write about the Jay-Z interview with Rap Radar but my plug’s link got deleted and I don’t wanna sign up to any streaming service. I have to have some tradition about me! I also need to watch ‘Don’t Call It Road Rap’ and write up a blog about it but you guys will actually get that before I go to America. I’m sorry!

I was inspired by my friend Sam as he recently uploaded a conversation with himself on SoundCloud talking about his doubts, his fears and the feeling of stagnation. Something compelled me to listen and I was taken aback by a lot of what he said. The fear or being left behind by your peers, of your younger self meeting you today and being disappointed, of not fulfilling the potential that others saw in you. All of that weighs heavy on the brain, for anyone. Even me. Give it a listen when you can.

If you haven’t realised already, I’ve come back to talk about fear. What it means, the forms it can take, how it is like a drug. But most importantly how we should not live our lives dictated by fear. I’ll try not to take up too much of your time, but I know some of you have been waiting for me to drop the real, so here it goes.

Fear. Kendrick Lamar rapped about it, J. Cole sung about it, we sit through horror films to experience it. But just what the hell is it? I’m not talking about impossible scenarios such as coming face to face with a pack of wolves on Rye Lane. I’m not talking about a plane crashing whilst you’re on board (although this can happen). I’m trying to speak on genuine fear.

fear (fɪə)

noun – an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm

verb – to be afraid of (someone or something)

It encompasses so much in our lives and it consumes people. People turn to vices to escape it. Employ avoidance tactics to evade it, as opposed to facing them head on. But why? A lot of people can’t handle the truth or even be honest with themselves. They would prefer to imagine things a different way in order to lighten the load on their minds. I used to be like that, for a long time. I was scared of dying, the fear of the finality of death almost crippled me to the point where I suffered from insomnia. As a child I used to sit in the dark while my brothers were snoring up the joint because I didn’t understand the concept of death. It shook me. Why? I guess I had found a load of instances where people had died in their sleep and just thought that if I could avoid sleep myself then I would live forever. Crazy I know lol but I was seven and very impressionable in my formative years, not to mention I was very afraid.

See for me, the nature of fear is subjective but the relatable feeling is universal. Everyone has that worst case scenario that they pray doesn’t come to fruition. We might laugh at each other’s phobias which is all well and good, it’s good to laugh at one another every now and again. But it’s when you see someone’s fear in action that you stop and think about your own triggers. I work with this Kenyan girl, real cool people. Has the worst fear of worms. It’s so bad that one of my colleagues used the caterpillar emoji in the group chat and she left the chat. Hasn’t been back for months. She won’t even eat gummy worms. See that’s kinda funny, but when you consider that she was trapped on a boat surrounded by worms at the age of eight, what does one say? Context is key, but when it comes to this emotion, fear is fear.

I’m a man, not the most masculine one, but I could probably confiscate someone’s girlfriend with my three chin hairs. I can’t relate to a woman’s fear of being raped, nor can I even imagine what that must feel like. But I can empathise due to the feeling of a loss of control of a situation, of your physical self, being overwhelmed or even made helpless by opportunist scum. That’s just what I’ve gathered from testimony from rape victims and my female friends that have spoken to me about it.

When I was drafting this on Tuesday night I spent hours listening to FEAR. by Kendrick Lamar, trying to dissect what fear means at different stages of your (well his) life. It’s a very powerful song, very candid, very descriptive. Hearing what he was afraid of at the ages of 7, 17 and 27 was harrowing because a lot of those things can and will happen if you’re put in the environment for them to. There’s a few choice lines that I would like to expand on in that song that say it all for people, no matter what age.

If I could smoke fear away, I’d roll that mothafucka up, and then I’d take two puffs

A lot of people try to escape their fears and reality in general even if it’s for a few hours. The vice doesn’t matter; whether it’s smoke, juice, sex, everyone has some sort of escapism. It makes sense (to a degree) when you’re avoiding facing these fears head on or you can’t face them at all. But excess can lead to a downward spiral. I was on the train reading about an ex-army soldier who got divorced from his husband and went on a chem-sex bender. The guy said he can’t remember the whole of his 2015 because of all the drugs he took 😶 I guess he was low on confidence and feared being alone. It happens.

I’ll prolly die from one of these bats and blue badges

This one is self explanatory. For a long time now, black people have been subject to brutality and unjust murders at the hands of the biggest racist organisation; the police. Over here and in America, we’ve seen and heard of the countless lives that were lost to police brutality. This is a very real fear for a lot of black people, we’re not as safe as we think we are and I don’t see that changing for a long time.

All worries in a hurry, I wish I controlled things

This one resonates the most with me. When I was growing up time always seemed to go slowly, then I grew up and realised it was just a matter of perception. This life is short, it’s essentially a cameo at best. The way we as kids rushed to grow up only to be swimming in responsibilities and student loan debt years later. Essentially we are in control of our destinies but pressure blinds us. Fear blinds us. The fear of not having everything under control blinds us from the things that are actually going right. Sam spoke a lot in his podcast about being left behind by his more successful peers and not being where he envisioned himself in life. It’s real! Entrapment is real and can arise from the fear of challenging yourself. You’ve been in a job for some time and feel like you’re in exactly the same position as when you started? Entrapment. Who the hell wants that at a young age?

Fear isn’t always a negative thing though, just ask the people that use it as their drive to do better. People that want the best for themselves live in fear of living a mediocre life; they want to have done everything within their wildest dreams so they could say “I lived” when it’s all said and done. Fear can be the catalyst for being proactive in the pursuit of greatness or even the journey that is self-improvement. One of my mates is a qualified doctor now, he said he was excited but mostly felt fear. I can’t understand why that is; he will help so many lives and save many more along the way to becoming a better doctor. But there’s a God complex with the responsibility that the role brings and the fact that lives are literally in your (well his) hands. That can be scary, but it shows that fear doesn’t only come from bad places. Some people undersell themselves by suggesting that they won’t shine when given the platform – better known as stage fright. But in this context it’s a good thing, this drug… can drive you to do things you couldn’t do before. Facing your fears is addictive once you become proactive, the adrenaline guides you out of your comfort zone and makes you want to build upon that first step. As always though, things in excess are a bad thing. Even money (must be nice).

Whilst finishing this off, I was listening to 4 Your Eyez Only by J. Cole for hours. Just that one song and it made me remember one of my fears. That song was when it was revealed that the main protagonist's daughter was listening to her father's posthumous album. Damn. When my grandma died I wondered if my nephews would have seen enough of me to mourn me if I suddenly went one day. The thought of that terrifies me because I barely knew my grandma, but I feel in tune with her whole spirit. I still do, she’s guiding me in the way that I would want to guide my nephews through life. As a result I’ve been seeing them a bit more than I used to, I really missed those boys.

This might read like a long stream of consciousness but my point is that we should never ever let fear hold us back in life. A lot of my proudest moments were from overcoming fear. I had a poem published when I was eight even though I feared the reaction of my thoughts being made public. I got a certificate in public speaking even though I HATE speaking publicly (I was shy), I don’t even like hearing my voice. I went to Italy on my own and ended up pulling people out of a bloody stampede. I feared being caught in it and not coming home to my friends and family. Life is too short to be held back by our fears and doubts, the truth is we aren’t in control of very much in life. But we should grip what we can control with both hands.

Sam spoke publicly about his fears and got great reception for it as he deserved to. Would many of you do the same? Probably not. But you can work on facing them. That in itself is progress. It’s slow, but progress > regress.

- Sam

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Floating.

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Floating.

back like I never left!

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