Overcoming Selfishness

I was going to write a list of all the things in my life that make me happy but my selfishness wouldn’t let me.

I’ve always considered myself to be a selfless person but I’m also aware that I can be insensitive. Maybe my personality has evolved or maybe it’s always been this way but I’ve realized the root of all my problems is my selfishness. In exploring the teachings of the Buddha and life in general, the thing that has really stuck with me is this concept of always wanting more. The Buddha talks about this and it has recently come up in media lately because in this age of consumerism, we find ourselves wanting and acquiring more and more stuff, and yet we’re becoming increasingly miserable. Most of us can’t figure out what our problem is. A small group of people have realized what the problem is, and started living more simply, getting rid of the things they’ve accumulated.

My problem with selfishness ties into acquiring things, but not necessarily stuff. What I want is a better life. And don’t we all. But the thing I fail to realize, and have failed to realize before, is that I already have it good. I went through a similar phase back in middle school, when things were more dramatic, and there was a lot more going on in my life. I started cutting. Not deep, and on the backs of my arms, where there was no risk of any severe damage. Of all the tiny cuts I made, I have 2 scars. Little reminders.

But I’ve learned to ignore them. I haven’t shut out that part of my life, but I did a lot of embarrassing things, so I don’t think about it much. But I realize I should be thinking about it more. Because what I was doing was selfish; it was for the attention I didn’t think I was getting. At least, I wasn’t getting the kind I wanted, and that’s my problem. One of the brain’s flaws is that it focuses on negatives. Not everyone does this, some of those lucky people are optimists, but not everyone does it to quite the extent that pessimists do either. I guess you could call me a pessimist, even though I want to be an optimist, or at least normal.

Anyway…

I’m doing the same thing now that I did then, minus the self harm. I act out, or I refuse to act, I go about my daily life ready to fall off the happiness bandwagon. I’m not clinically depressed, but I get bummed. Nothing seems good enough, our financial situation is gradually getting better and yet I’m miserable. Master is starting to lose his patience with my moodiness, which I can’t blame him for. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m miserable. I spend far too long daydreaming about how much better things will be when I can get out of this cramped little room and we won’t be in so much debt. I take for granted the fact that I have 3 little babies, a husband who loves me, organic food in my belly and a roof over my head. Yeah, I might have to get a job but I won’t be stuck at home all day. And the sooner I start working is the sooner we’ll be out of debt. I’ll finally be contributing in a more concrete way, like I’ve always wanted.

I’m aware of my selfishness. And that makes it easier to deal with.