Thinking, thinking, all day long….

I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I keep thinking about babies and shit. And child-rearing. And wondering what that’s all like. And kind of wanting one?

Is it because I’m going to be 22 soon? That biological clock ticking? Or because everyone around me has kids, and I live with two of them. Could be both.

But here’s the kicker….I can’t stand kids. They’re like…motorcycles. Other people look great with them and seem to have a handle on what they’re doing, but I in no way, shape, or form have any desire to own or ride one.

I don’t know what it is about kids that I just can’t handle, but even being with my dear sister-in-law’s children amps up my stress levels. This past week they were home from school for 5 days straight (4 day weekend, then they were sick) and I just wanted to hide in my room the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing that has to do with them. They’re great kids. It’s just me.

It’s like my social anxiety gets that much worse when someone puts a kid in front of me. And then, you want me to actually keep an eye on it? You mean, like, be aware of its safety? ohgodohgodohgod. I can’t even hold babies. I’ve held, like, 2 in my life. And not only are those little things heavy as hell, but I have no idea what i’m doing. I need, like, twelve arms for that shit.

And yet, here I am, wondering what pregnancy is like, and part of me being envious of other soon-to-be moms, because it must be a wonderful thing (at least in some ways) otherwise they wouldn’t do it. But I’m afraid of kids and babies and hell, I weigh 95 pounds, how am I supposed to support a little me?!

I think I prefer to just go on thinking about it. The feeling will pass eventually.