E-Mail Confusion, Tautologies, and Foamy Beer: A Defense of Hillary Clinton

Want to see a bartender cringe? Show them this picture:

If you’re not sure what this has to do with anything, then you’ve never needed five Bud Light drafts for table 403. (Also, on behalf of the service industry, we applaud your life choices.)

See, in our industry, this is day one stuff. What she should have done, what everyone should do, is tilt the glass. By keeping that sucker at a 45 degree angle, you aren’t haphazardly slamming beer into the bottom of your drinking vessel. This means you don’t agitate the carbon dioxide in the beer, and you don’t get four inches of foam like a goddamn rookie.

Don’t get me wrong. Like every mistake, foam happens. But you know what you do when that happens? You keep pouring. Oh, you’re wasting beer, sure, but the damage is done. Throw a beer on the spill tab, and move on. What you don’t do is call it a beer, raise a glass, and take a long enough sip to snap a few photos before spitting it out.

I feel I speak for my demographic when I ask: What the shit, Hillary?

In addition to the service industry crew, the followers of the white (haired) knight Bernie Sanders can use this image, and so many others, to make a fairly serious claim: There is, at least on some level, a recurring flaw in the Hillary election machine; namely, not being genuine (or electable, depending who you ask.)

That’s the start of the Anti-Hillary camp’s primer, but it sure as hell ain’t the end of it.

The kind of voters who would prefer Sanders are the kind who don’t really like candidates that oversimplify policies or dodge questions, and here, Hillary continues to fall on her face. What kind of person proudly exclaims that the way we’re going to defeat ISIS is by… defeating ISIS? When a politician who touts the line of progress and populism gets asked about her allegiance to some of the wealthiest human beings in history, what can we imply when it only takes her a second and a half to bring up 9/11? Where’s Adam West when you need him?

Don’t worry, it’s not over yet, because next up on deck: the emails. Oh, the goddamn emails. I swear I’ll personally go back in time and murder Shiva Ayyadurai if I have to read another take about Hillary Clinton’s email server. I thought this had all dried out. Even Sanders, her immediate political opponent, stopped caring. But now, there are still dozens of sensationalist half-wits who think, much like the Republican Benghazi witch hunt, that federal investigators are just one little clue away from burying her.

But seriously: Can we forget about this shit yet? Hillary was born two years after World War 2 ended. Can you cut the lady some slack when it comes to her fucking Emails? I’m 29, I’ve been using computers as long as I can remember, and I couldn’t tell you the last thing I saw on my email account (I looked at it two hours ago.) Ever since the failure train that was the Benghazi investigation finally halted after its two year derailing, nobody has had anything reasonably suspicious to say about Hillary Clinton’s email server (which gets more messages an hour than I get in a year) that wasn’t immediately followed by “Wait, her server does that automatically? Never mind then.”

Being a disingenuous politician being perpetually followed around by the dipshit ghosts of scandals past isn’t really going to set her apart from many other candidates. Obama had to deal with the same crap- he always had to battle accusations of playing the race card to fit the needs of his public image, and it never helped that he was always dragging around the rotting corpse of Rod Blagojevich’s career.

But here, Hillary has opponents on both sides with absolutely zero political scandals. Bernie, at least to the extent that most people think of him, is an incorruptible icon of democratic socialism. He’s been in the government for over 30 years, and the worst dirt anybody’s been able to dig up on him is a really strange article he wrote in the 1970’s. On the other side of the aisle is Donald Trump, a man who has zero political scandals because he has as much governmental experience as Donald Duck.

The Drumpf camp has no room to complain when the topic of being genuine comes up, and the Sanders camp won’t completely lose its shit if there’s only a little, uh, (clears throat) discernment of truth, at least when it comes to a politicians image. Because up until now, everyone expected every politician (ever) to present a camera-friendly version of themselves. And even Hillary, all things considered, doesn’t seem to be that much different from the herd when it comes to presentation. A little 9/11 here and there isn’t really a make or break for anybody, especially in an election where people are interrupting debates to boast about the size of their dicks.

No, what pisses off the Sanders Supporters/anti Hillary Democrats is that when you dig a little deeper into previous statements made by Mrs. Clinton, you find that some of the things she says are, shall we say, a little contradictory.

Before now, when it came down to what lied beyond the cosmetics, what people really expected from their politicians was, at the very least, a vague understanding of their psyche, if not their priorities…

…Until this cycle. Because now there’s a giant, gaping rift between Washington D.C. and the rest of the country. Previously, we’ve been able to ignore it. Right around up until the second Obama Presidential term, the legislative and executive branches of the federal government were at least willing to grit their teeth and pretend to work together for the sake of the common interest.

Now, candidates get so much undisclosed money from unknown sources that when they Scrooge McDuck dive into it, they barely have enough time to throw us the finger. Take these facts at face value, and it looks like it doesn’t really matter who runs- you could put the mutated offspring of Bacon and Santa Claus on a ballot anywhere and (he?) would still lose to Mitch McConnell. As long as old turtle-face is cashing checks from Blackstone and Goldman Sachs, he’s not going anywhere.

This guy has been a Senator for 30 years.

If we’re going to get screwed over no matter what, doesn’t it make sense to let the Donald rename 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. to the Trump House and see how crazy things can get? Let’s get weird!

Furthermore, Trump’s audience, as much as progressives don’t like to admit, aren’t all bat-shit crazy outliers, fascists, or idiots. They’re our neighbors, the people we work with, our bosses and our friends. They’re pissed off at the process, and Trump is the only shade of red (orange?) that

Yes, we may disagree philosophically, but that’s kind of the point, because regardless of what any of us want from politicians is irrelevant. What both Trump and Sanders have called “the establishment” is going to be in the way of all of us. The politicians are forced to pander to the powers that be, namely, rich people who have the means to use our government to make themselves richer. This is inevitable, which is kind of like saying Hillary is inevitable.

So if you’re a person who doesn’t like the cut of HRC’s jib: I understand. But here’s what it’s coming down to: Hillary Clinton is almost definitely going to be the Democratic front-runner, and it’s time we all realized it. Whatever your feelings about her, whether or not you think she’s human garbage or the second coming, she’s better than Trump, and you still need to vote for her. I don’t want to, you don’t want to, and that’s OK, but, sadly, we still fucking have to.

And I’ll tell you why: There’s another layer underneath Hillary- a ruthless, calculating politician who despite everything, chooses to fight against the opponents of the progressive agenda. Whether or not you buy the “I’m a progressive, but I’m a progressive who likes to get things done” line, you have to admit that conservatives really don’t like her.

Bernie might not win. I want him to win, and I want a world where the people with his honesty are the only candidates taken seriously. But we need to be honest with ourselves: we might not get that world anytime soon.

I’m not going to tell you that’s OK. But what I will tell you is that, if you don’t want a Trump presidency, you won’t be better off if you stay home on election day or send an empty message via a meaningless third party vote.

Sidebar: Gary Johnson is hilariously awesome, and I loved having him as my Governor in New Mexico. He won’t ever be president, but I wish Trump voters would give him a serious look, because if you want a president who truly doesn’t give a fuck, he’s absolutely your guy.

Case in point: check out his official T-Shirt:

People have paid for this shirt! With money!

Say what you will about the Donald’s supporters- they are angry, and rightfully so. “The establishment,” or whatever you want to call it, is not helping anybody that doesn’t have an income in the high 8 digits.

I don’t think Hillary Clinton is the worst alternative we have.

Here’s my point: Regardless of whether or not you’re a Democrat, or a Republican, progressive, conservative, liberal, Christian fundamentalist, Satanist, or (…shudder) vegan, you probably have a problem with the status quo of campaign finance.

Whether or not you want to burn down Planned Parenthood clinics or hand out free abortion vouchers at the local Subway- unless you happen to have the kind of money that can buy political influence, then Hillary, for all of her Goldman Sachs speeches and inability to connect with any carbon based life-form, is still the enemy of your enemies.

I’m not saying you have to agree with her politics- I disagree with a bunch of them myself. But, on at least the very basic level of the Democratic process, she wants what you want. Disagreeing with her is fine. Awesome, in fact. Let’s talk about that some other time though, because in the short term, this Presidential election, we have some important shit to do.

This decision isn’t easy. Even if I’ve convinced you that Hillary isn’t Trump with a vagina, you still have the right to disagree with the way she communicates. Because her public persona is absolutely grating. Sometimes, when I watch her speak publicly it’s like watching a replicant that’s been programmed by Hillary instead of a real, breathing human being.

If you’ve read this far and, like me, you don’t like the way she communicates her message, or that when she gets asked tough questions she’d rather discuss the worst attack on American soil than admit she represented people on Wall Street, I completely understand. BUT. I have an idea!

First, watch a little bit of this. This video from Hillary’s web site talks about how Citizens United, the vehicle through which politicians are flushed with a borderline hilarious amount of corporate money, was actually created as a result of an attempt to attack Hillary Clinton.

If you’re like me, by the time you get almost halfway into it, you’ll want to pull out your eardrums, because it sounds like your least favorite elementary school teacher (played by what Maggie Gyllenhaal will look like twenty years from now) is smugly explaining that you’ll never be smart enough to understand why sex is now illegal.

Now, for a much needed break, watch this clip of Kyle Kinane explaining why he likes to drink in the shower.

Hear me out on this: If Hillary hired Kyle Kinane to be her communications director, this video would be completely different. It would sound like you’re getting a decent story from your favorite bartender, instead of your significant other telling you why it’s your fault that they slept with three of your friends.

All I’m asking is that you give it a try: if you don’t like Hillary’s delivery, just pretend it’s not her voice, but the official voice of Comedy Central. Even the 9/11 sound byte is forgivable- as long as it sounds more like your weed dealer hesitating to answer a question about his prices and less like somebody who doesn’t like your tone and wants to speak to the manager RIGHT NOW.

No matter how you feel about the issues, I think we’re all completely OK with examining the money in politics. But it’s an uphill battle: When you argue against campaign financing, you’re not just arguing with people who have enough money to influence the government you’re trying to petition, but the actual government itself.

And, unfortunately, in this situation, we need somebody who knows how to fistfight. We probably won’t get Captain America, but we can settle for the Punisher, right? We need somebody who can play the game. Bernie Sanders can sell an ideal situation, but Hillary, when she talks straight, sells the means to make it happen. And if that means she has to get really, really dirty, and piss a lot of people off in the process, we can count on her to do it.

But please, for the love of God, somebody teach her how to pour a fucking beer. This isn’t amateur hour, Clinton. Step your goddamn game up.

Sam Wellborn lives in Austin, TX, and knows nothing- NOTHING- about draft beers or marijuana. Follow him on Twitter, or tell him why he needs to stop mansplaining at swellbo@gmail.com

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