The word ‘Regret’ does not exist in my dictionary.

Samantha Liddick
Aug 28, 2017 · 5 min read

Every time I went through hell, I got strong and stronger. I have made many mistakes including horrible ones. I lost a couple of my best friends because I was not a ‘great’ friend to them.

Let me explain. I’m not perfect. On outside, you probably think I’m innocent or an angel but hey, no I am not. It is okay. I’m a better person today because of this. I have accepted my flaws, faults, and mistakes.

I moved to the small town in New York and went to a mainstream school with a deaf program in third grade. I met this girl, Lora* who became my childhood best friend. We were pretty close until middle school when everything changed. Lora bullied me, called me names and threatened me, like if I didn’t do what she wanted, then she would end our friendship. Lora and I shared many of the same friends. Often, when a fight happened, friends would follow Lora and leave me behind. Few times, I considered killing myself but thank god for my former counselor and some staff that got me through.

Those things kept happening through high school.

Finally, I graduated and went to Gallaudet University in Washington, DC. I’ve never been happier to get away from Lora. I made a few new best friends who I lost a few years later.

In first and second years, my former best friend, Eliza* was my roommate at Gallaudet University. We have a good relationship at the beginning, but then things changed. We got into fights a lot. A lot. I didn’t realize how bad it was until it was too late. I was selfish about my ‘best friend’. I’ve hurt Eliza. I was not aware of it at all. I acted like it was not my fault. I was jealous when Eliza made a new friend. I started noticing that she started to make herself distant from me. For example, she didn’t want to be my roommate for the third year of Gallaudet. Of course, I was hurt and asked why. She simply signed, “she needs space”.

My third year, I was roommates with another girl, Helen*. Eliza and I still hung out, but things were not same. Eliza looked me a little differently. I became selfish more than I ever was. We got into fights almost every day. I didn’t like how she picked a friend over me or wanted to be ‘alone’ from me. I have bad anxiety if I am left alone. I was never alone because in my childhood, I was glued to Lora. We were not separated.

A couple of times we talked about how our friendship was bad and wanted to work it out. But it never worked out, it was too late.

In the fourth year of Gallaudet University, I went through something really bad and I needed Eliza more than ever. I depended on her too much to the point where she considered ending our friendship with me for a while. She never told me that she was ending our friendship until I could see it happening and asked her. I realized I knew it is for the best. We ended our friendship.

Did I wake up from my actions? No, not yet.

In my fourth year of Gallaudet University, I met a girl, Tina* and after a few times hanging out, we became close. For a while, we had a great time together and did almost everything together. We were roommates also. We had been through a lot of things and we’ve been there for each other always. Tina is a great friend, I’m telling you. Again, I was in a very bad situation where I had to go to court. Someone blackmailed me. That moment was where I began to lose myself and I didn’t know who I was. It was like I was in a black hole. Everything was black. I was scared. I depended on Tina. She was been there for me through everything. The point where I was blind and I felt it was not enough. It was the same thing that I did to Eliza. I was afraid that Tina would leave me. Same with Eliza. Both of them kept telling me that I should just trust them, simple as that. But I never did. It lead to our friendship ending. I lost Tina too.

For the first time ever I felt so alone.

For many years, I was in denial because I didn’t want to be like Lora. But I was in some ways because I’ve hurt a few friends.

The reason why I wrote this is because I am proud of who I am right now because of those things that happened. I do not mean that I’m happy that I’ve hurt those friends. Never. Those memories will never be forgotten and they remind me to be a better person. Even though Tina and Eliza are not in my life anymore, I will always love them and care for them. Every day, I’m thankful for them. They taught me so much about what ‘best friend’ is supposed to mean.

I know I did many things that hurt them and I couldn’t take those back.

The best I could do is to apologize to them. I did. It was so hard to admit what I did. They deserved to know.

Why did I say the regret does not exist in my dictionary? It is because no matter what you did and what you went through, it’ll teach you something and help you make the right decision next time. It is how it makes you a better person if you make the right decision. It is never too late. Sometimes, some of those experiences might feel impossible to move into the past but you have to. How could you move on if you hold the grudge against someone or you won’t forgive? It takes time. Time heals. Time is my best friend. It made me be a better person and finally I am independent. I know how to depend on myself instead other people. If it is not for them, I might be same old Samantha who depend on people too much and is selfish.

Whatever you did, it is never too late to make the right choice and take the path that takes you where you are you suppose be. Accept your mistakes and then apologize.

Today, I am a happy, independent woman and I have many close friends who I care about. They know what I did and I have nothing hidden from them. Now I am a better person for them.

I am not the Samantha Liddick you used know anymore.

*all names change due privacy reasons

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