I know things haven’t been running smoothly with us. I know how exaggerated I’ve been with all the jealousy, the attention seeking, and more that you surely know already. I never wanted us to end up like this; I never wanted to make you unhappy. I have always wanted great happiness and tons of laughter for you, but I always manage to do the opposite. I fight you, I accuse you, I frustrate you.. and as you have said: “It’s not healthy anymore”. I want you to know that the problem was never you. It was me. I just couldn’t get enough of things. I crave everything from you. I crave your attention, your sweetness, etc.; and it’s because I crave you. I can never get enough from you. Even when we’re personally together already, the time’s too short. I haven’t had overnights with you but I’m pretty sure that even if I do, it still won’t be enough for me. I know you don’t crave me as much as I crave you, so you probably don’t understand how it is feeling like this. Let me tell you how it feels. It’s overwhelming, yet frustrating at the same time. You get overwhelmed with the feeling of being inlove. You’ll tend to feel complete and all set to go on the journey of life no matter how far it is that you’ll be venturing; but then it’s frustrating because as soon as the journey starts, it never ends. It’s infinite. You’ll run out of water, food, clothes… but there’s nothing you can do because your money will run out too. You can’t stop anywhere to get the things you need. You’ll feel helpless. That’s how it feels like to crave you. It’s impossible to satisfy because of how much I want to spend every single second of my life with you. It’s not your fault, mind you. I tend to get jealous of those who could spend most of their time with you, but I’m not jealous because you’re close with them. I just envy the fact that they could enjoy your company for longer times than I could. I crave you, ron. I crave your love, I crave your hugs, I crave your warmth and love. This is my problem so I’m sorry. You never did anything wrong. It was all me. The heart’s messing with the head. So in summary, I just want to assure you that you never did anything wrong. In most of our problems, I’m the one who is wrong. So please don’t downgrade yourself. You are more and far greater than you believe.

It’s just one more month before our 4th anniversary. Isn’t it overwhelming? for almost 4 years, you had stuck by my side, tolerating all my tantrums. Your role was never easy, but you still did it for me though; because you love me and you cared for me. I want you to know that I’m aware of how you love me and I appreciate all the things you’ve done for me. I know how much you’ve sacrificed just to make us work; just to repay and replace all the things you’ve done before; and for constant times, I’ve been ignorant of it because I’ve always been scared that it might repeat or that when I forgive you, you’ll do them again or you’ll do something similar to it again. This is my problem again, because I started fearing trusting people ever since. I started to believe that I was incapable of being loved. I believed that I never deserved it, as well as all the leisures of life coming my way. After our heart to heart talk last night though, before I fell into the coma, I decided to give you a try again. That maybe my paranoia could be eased until it fades away. So here’s my attempt of a christmas/ monthsary gift for you.

I am going to try being myself again. for you. for us.

but along with this deal of a gift, I also need your cooperation. I need to feel that you still want and need me, in order for me to avoid frustration and giving up. I also need your support in times of doubt. This is something really big and difficult for me. I’ve been hiding in my shell for years now, so coming out of it will be hard. Just like a person who’s lived in a dark cave for his/ her whole life, then deciding to come out of it to see the sun. It can be blinding. It can be painful. So I need your cooperation cream. but this is all up to you. I’m more than willing to give you a try again, but if you’re not interested in cooperating, then, I guess I’ll still be the same, aftermath-pessimistic me. So that’s my attempt. It’s like bargaining though, but the results will be beautiful if it succeeds. It will be just like before.

A little different, but just like before.

So here’s my message for you + my gift attempt. I love you so much. I’m doing this for you and us. You are the most important person in my life, and I just really want to make you happy. I want to see your dimple again. Hehe. I love you!! I hope you have a great christmas, and I hope you’re missing me, because I miss you more than anyone right now. I wish we could experience kissing under a miscletoe heehee! or kissing after the new year countdown. I want to experience every moment with you. I love you cream. :**

I hope this made you happy. I hope my gift attempt made you happy. ☺

Happy Monthsary Cream!!! I love and miss you my cream, siopao, darling, dear, ropotpot, ronniepot, asawa, hubby!!! ❤

Together Forever? :D ❤