The Wedding Speech I Wish I’d Given

Last October I got married to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. It was a blast. After the ceremony there was drinking and dancing and family and friends and such a feeling of love and happiness and fulfillment… I wouldn’t change a thing. Except for my speech.

I had it in my head that I needed to thank everyone that had come to see my wife and I get married. Using a microphone. After having drank hard liquor and a number of beers on the party bus with my best friends and brothers with loud music blasting. I was pumped and maybe a little tipsy and man was I excited to address 200 people. They were the perfect captive audience. Then I winged it.

The thing is, and the reason I’m writing this down here, I had already written my speech in one of my many notebooks. Sure it needed a little cleaning up, but it was dang solid. What I actually went with were some half-remembered ramblings, a number of thank yous, and an embarrassing sound check to make sure the people in the back could hear me. I suppose if I wanted to look at the glass half full, I set the speech bar really low and the best man and maid of honor killed it in comparison

I’d be happy if my little piece of performance art was lost to time. Instead we paid a videographer some ludicrous sum to immortalize every cringe-worthy detail in high definition. In all honesty it’s probably not as bad as I remember, but I do want to set the record straight about the words I wish I’d spoken. Here they are:

“For those of you that know me, you know that I love to read: comics, the Dark Tower, stories about knights and wizards and dragons. Here, today in front of you all, I’d like to mark my first great quest complete. I’ve found my treasure, I’ve reached my Grail, climbed the Tower and in the room at the top discovered it wasn’t empty. Samantha was waiting for me.

And who do I have to thank? Well first and foremost I’d like to give myself a pat on the back. But I can’t forget my incredible supporting cast. My mother and father, family and friends, all of you who grace us with your presence tonight and all those that couldn’t make it, I owe you a debt of gratitude I can never repay.

Each and every one of you has had a hand in shaping mine and Samantha’s stories. You have made me the man I am today, and you’ve helped Samantha become the proud, strong, kind, loving, beautiful woman sitting before you. It took me 23 years to find my best friend, 19 if we’re talking about Phil, and now five years later Samantha’s agreed to pen a new story with me as my wife.

Our new tale begins much like our first, without any true destination, no ending written or a final chapter set. We hope that you will allow us to write you all into this incredible new adventure we’re starting today. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.”

And there it is. Not too bad right?

For those of you reading this who might be engaged or thinking about getting married or might one day want to put a ring on some special someone’s finger, learn from my mistake. Write it down. Or just let your best man and maid of honor do their thing and relax. Have a beer. You earned it.