These thoughts are spread out but I want to share them with you.
I like talking loudly. Like, a lot. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can talk louder and in more places. My Facebook posts are frequent and nonsensical and my tweets are aggressively IN-YOUR-FACE. This is all deliberate.
I’m currently in the middle of the best year of my life. I have had a lot of wins lately that make all of the work and pain and sadness valuable. In many ways, I feel like entitled to this success. After all, my unconventional life warrants big upsides, right?
My value system is broken. I am too comfortable. Things that should be hard are easy right now, and that means that I am losing. Since June of 2016, when I moved to Fayetteville, I have put in a lot of time and energy into getting myself to the next stage of my life and career. I’ve hustled in school. I am graduating in 3 years rather than 4. I’ve hustled in my side projects and small businesses, including Boxxyy.com, Marketing on the Hill, Dickson Street TV, and Long Haul. I made it a point to care about people again, so I invested a lot of time and energy in building relationships. I moved to Fayetteville knowing ~4 people and I know enough people now to be the kind of person who can walk around campus and shake hands and say hello to a bunch of people. That’s something I’ve always wanted. I’ve got a great internship, and I’m eager to continue building on what I have been working on at that company. I’m rambling at this point.
I got some recognition. Post Malone and Quavo became unironically relevant. I enjoy it, because I crave attention and admiration. I want to be known and liked. I think I water my authenticity down when I do that though. All of this let me feel comfortable. Things are going right in my life. And that’s good, but comfort comes at a cost. For me, the downside to my success and my comfort is the arrogance I carry within me at all times. You’re reading this right now, so you know it and you’ve seen it. It’s right above us. I talk loudly, so you know about it. I try hard to tell you.
I hate my arrogance. I want to live centered on humility but I am lying if I say that I don’t enjoy being braggadocious. This is a flaw in my character. Or a set of flaws that I don’t confront enough. I’ve been too busy being comfortable. I’m not much of a hustler but I do put on a good show. I need to do better and work harder. I know how to fix this issue… I amaze myself when I don’t actually do it.
I haven’t read what I’ve written. This will not be edited. A bad habit that has resulted from my tendencies to procrastinate. I want to talk loudly. I need to shut the “eff” up. I need to listen, really listen. I need to do better. I need to be nicer. I want to do these things. I’m sorry for stepping on your toes lately. I’m scared. I’m grateful, I’m happy, but I’m scared. I don’t enjoy acting my age and being a “typical college student.” I don’t like going out on Dickson. I have an unconventional life, and had an unconventional childhood. I’m trying to create some of the carefree joy most kids get to experience with tools adults use to cut their limits. Sometimes, limitations are good. I need to stop taking shots of tequila.