Why we should try not to “lean in” (too much)
Every once in a while, I remind myself how lucky I was.
I was born to parents who asked no more or no less of me because of my gender; even for my grandma, who had been relatively sexist, had been quite empowering at the same time — she kept reminding me how my female relatives fair better than male ones in my clan. I was born and raised in a society where female enjoy substantially the same basic rights as male. I have never met a boss (all male) / colleague (80% males) who have thought less of me because of my gender.
Through out my life, I have never felt I am less powerful than my male peers. (Maybe, it is because I have yet to hit my glass ceiling.)
I never relate to any feminist groups or “female entrepreneur”/”women in tech” organization. I found that most of these organizations are either hypocritical in nature (basically, they are demanding more opportunity than men due to the fact that they are women), or just groups of people gathering together to take pity on themselves, instead of really doing anything to change the circumstance.
I believed that we will have a better chance to achieve our full potential, or to fight for success, if we forget about out gender, and stop constraining ourselves. If you do not want others to judge you because of your circumstance, you should first stop doing that.
Only recently, I came to realize that how gender bias have deeply entrenched in me (and potentially more people like me).
I was talking about some situations at work, and how I feel I am trapped in a situation where I couldn’t voice out my comments, because I could not fine a way to say it nicely, or in away where people would not be assuming that I was acting a certain way due to PMS, etc.. It’s only when the words came out from my mouth, I realized how much I have confined myself by my gender. This reminds me about what a chapter in Lean In about how most of us want to be liked, and how when a man is successful, he is well liked. When a woman does well, people like her less.
That led me to wonder, why as a person who have been treated fairly for the most of my life, would still have this kind of thought planted in my mind?
Even though no one has accused me (well directly) for making bad decision/misbehaved because of my gender, people have always joked about how their bosses (male/female) are having PMS/on their period.
Even though no one has asked me to be the most graceful and successful person that I could ever be, we have always been influenced to admire people who are smart, beautiful, graceful and who could have it all, without being the “tigress” everyone hates or is scared of.
Our environment is full of doses of these small “toxins”.
The worst is instead of promoting way to clear off these toxins, many initiates are here to tell people how we should strive to thrive in this toxic environment. On the surface, these initiatives serve to help women thrive; however, when you dig deeper, it just perpetuate the situation.
By asking women to be more assertive to be try harder to get it all, we are perpetuating the idea that it is the “norm” for women to try harder to get what they want, or to fight to have it all (even when it might not be the point).
Like Kate Heddleston aptly commented in her blog “Women in tech are the canary in the coal mine. Normally when the canary in the coal mine starts dying you know the environment is toxic and you should get the hell out. Instead, the tech industry is looking at the canary, wondering why it can’t breathe, saying “Lean in, canary. Lean in!” When one canary dies they get a new one because getting more canaries is how you fix the lack of canaries, right? Except the problem is that there isn’t enough oxygen in the coal mine, not that there are too few canaries."
I believe that this is not true only in tech (as I am technically not in tech), but everywhere.
Instead of asking women to “lean in”, to “speak up”, we should remove all the toxins which make women (and men) to (subconsciously) believe that their gender has made them more prone to some errors (or its wrong to have emotion swing because of the body in your chemistry), stop “leaning in” when men are not required to but to demand the right to “recline” as much as it is right.
When you are second guessing yourself, or trying to look for an elegant way to deal with a situation to make sure that no one would assume that you are making a decision because of your gender, stop doing it. By trying to justify yourself, you are subconsciously telling yourself that your action needs justification, and you are “inferior”. By stop doing that, you build up a habit to do the right thing at the right time.
You cannot stop other people from asking more from you, but, at least, you can stop not asking more from yourself on stupid matters and start focusing your energy on bigger issue.
