Better Headlines For A WaPo WASP

Sweetie, I’m here to help.

Everybody went bonkers over that Washington Post essay, “I Am Tired Of Being A Jewish Man’s Rebellion.” This is because it is fun when writers with very little self-awareness and a rabid desire for attention write things that are not good. I’ve been there, honey! Anyway, because the essay is now my favorite story of all time, definitively murdering the shit out of Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s “The Yellow Wallpaper,” I thought I would do some serious punch-up on this, a story that one esteemed critic deemed “like if Modern Love had training wheels and a retainer.”

Now, comedic punch-up is a thing writers sometimes get hired to do on scripts. It is lucrative and fun and you write stuff and don’t get credit for it, but you do get paid a shitload of money! Most of your favorite hit films have had uncredited comedians do punch-up on them, definitely including “Breaking the Waves.”

Hey, we can make fun of the Sad WaPo WASP all we want, but for some poor Gwyneth-hued Madison or Mackenzie crying over a Josh who ghosted her, that essay is basically her “A Room Of One’s Own.”

So this is no time for comedy. And this thoughtful, erudite and reflective response by Talia Lavin is truly the best one I’ve seen. But I’d like to help if I may by offering some serious, insightful ideas. So here are some better titles for that original WaPo essay in case the editor wants to change that headline while staring dully into the middle distance as the ghost of Katharine Graham gives them a white-gloved middle finger.

I Am Tired Of Being A Jewish Man’s Rapscallion

Old-timey, not unlike barely disguised anti-Semitism!

I Am Tired Of Being A Jewish Man

Misleading, but interesting! Clickity click click!

I Am Tired Of Being A Jewish Man’s Rebellion. The Rest Is Commentary.

A deep cut for the true fans!

I’m Writing A Letter To Daddy

See above!

Jews Talk To Me

For the time being, this remains true!

My Ass Was His Masada

Stirring and poignant!

In conclusion, I’d like to offer a charming cocktail recipe, just as the author of the WaPo essay did. She thought it was funny to mock a kosher dietary law that many Jews hold sacred, because two guys she terms “lackadaisical Jews” no longer want to throw it up in her.

Anyhow, I love bourbon! So here’s my recipe for a jazzy concoction I’m calling Sad Lady In A Twinset And Pearls Blames Religion And Not Her Own Personality For Her Rejection: mix one part bourbon with one part blood of Christ with one part grapefruit LaCroix with two parts cognitive behavioral therapy. Garnish with a tampon and the first several chapters of “Women Who Love Too Much.”

Please send my $5000000 check courtesy of my manager. And to potential Jewish gentleman callers, take note: if your mom ever calls me on my cellphone late night when she needs my love/needs to find out where your ass is because you haven’t been in touch, you know what I’ll do? I’ll tell Deb where the fuck you’re at. And ask how she’s doing for goddamn once. Then we’ll join forces and emotionally destroy you and THAT is how you make an interfaith relationship work.

P.S. If you want to read an actual thoughtful, insightful and compassionate response, Helen Rosner has a lovely thread here.