40 Reasons I’ve Swiped Left

I recently wrote this article reviewing 6 dating apps from the perspective of a dating app newcomer. I felt it was only appropriate to follow that up with some of the reasons I have recently “swiped left.” (Note for those who are lucky enough to not be familiar with dating apps, “swiping left” means you saw someone’s profile and it didn’t interest you so you say no right off the bat. For this post, I’m using the term loosely — many of the things on this list did cause me to literally “swipe left” but some are reasons I stopped talking to someone mid-conversation.)

1. His profile said Qdoba was better than Chipotlesorry, if we can’t agree on the most basic things, we will never be able to have a relationship

2. He said his favorite Lannister was CerseiTyrion or no one

3. He said I had a rare beauty, like a rose in a field of chrysanthemums and I don’t know what chrysanthemums look like so I didn’t know if that was a complimentOkay I know I could have googled but honestly this was just coming on a little too strong for a first message

4. Every photo was a group photo...I don’t care enough about you to analyze EVERY picture to figure out who you are

5. The first line of the profile was “confidential but humble” …that just doesn’t make any sense

6. His profile made a joke about the Orlando Pulse Nightclub shootingI don’t even want to know you, much less date you

7. Under “dislikes” on his profile he listed Chandler from FriendsI basically am Chandler from Friends so if you don’t like him, you won’t like me

8. He used the wrong there/they’re/their in his profile… this has unfortunately happened many times

9. His profile said he hated texting…like it or not that makes up the majority of my communication

10. He spelled “a lot” “allot”…yes, one word with 2 Ls

11. His profile said “does not love animals unless wild”…Okay, seriously everyone should love dogs but if for some reason you don’t I may be able to accept you as a human if you at least like other pets (not a human I want to date, but still a human). But no domesticated animals at all? Get off your high horse, dude

12. He referred to himself as a “crossfitter”just..no

13. His profile said he “doesn’t like making plans he likes being spontaneous….that’s cool and all for you personally but it doesn’t really work in early stages of dating especially for someone like me who hates dating and needs at least 2–3 days notice to mentally prepare for the agony

14.

15. He had no profile or his profile had some version of “just ask” …This is another one that happens far too often

16. He referred to himself as a “gym rat”It’s cool to like working out and all, but I have never enjoyed this phrase. People know rats are gross creatures, right?

17. His profile said they “love snacks, pillow top mattresses, and midgets”I mean to each their own and all, but this probably won’t work out

18. The only line in his profile was “Ware da white bitches at” Well one is right here, swiping left.

19. They tried to make a (very overused) joke about what their height is without heels, but they spelled it heals …no originality and no spelling skills

20. He said he lived his life in Second Life which he referred to as his “only outlet” …I didn’t even know Second Life still existed.

21.

22. He referred to himself as a “dieheart” Philadelphia sports fanAutocorrect doesn’t want that to be a word so you were really committed to using it

23. His profile had some variation of “You’re not reading this anyway.” …Actually I do read profiles but by saying that you are showing me you aren’t looking for girls who do read profiles.

24. His profile said “Hipsters and kinky girls are please feel free to message me especially”is that like an either/or situation or do you only like girls in the center of a hipster/kinky girl venn diagram?

25. His bio consisted of what I’m assuming were a list of interests and one was “Convincing the wifey I need 5 wives 😄”Good luck

26. His profile photo was Eminem and his bio said “slim but not shady” …Clever, but also probably a Catfish

27. His bio said “My picture is blurry, I know I know… I have a good reason. No I am NOT married and don’t have a girlfriend” …WELL WHAT IS THE REASON?!

28. His profile said he owned “22 adult web sites and web cam studios”…I appreciate an entrepreneur and all, but I think we have different interests

29. Guy Fieri was listed as one of his likes…I’m not saying you have to hate him, but to love him enough to use your few allowable characters on him..?

30. His profile said to swipe left if you’ve been in love more than 5 times…I haven’t been but that is a ridiculous requirement. People are being punished for loving a lot?

31. His profile said he started playing ice hockey for the first time on July 19, 2016…I can’t explain why but something about the specific date weirded me out…like maybe ice hockey is a little TOO important to him

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33. When discussing politics I said Obama’s Supreme Court pick was a fuck you to congress to prove they wouldn’t confirm anyone and he agreed that it was an “up yours” to congress…For some reason he felt the need not only to change my words but also to call attention to it in quotation marks. I respect if you aren’t big on cursing, but to call attention to it in that way felt super condescending. For what it’s worth, he stopped messaging me after that too, so he must really hate people who curse.

34. The only line in his profile was “I’m a catfish.”Not a funny joke, you could very well be a catfish.

35. He had one of those weird bumble overlays that said he was voting democratic but his profile said “I’m not voting I don’t know why it says I am I dislike both” …You choose to put on those overlays and even if you did it by accident and had no idea, the fact that it’s still there shows an extreme lack of Google initiative. I can’t sign on to be with someone who doesn’t know how to use Google.

36. His profile said “don’t be basic” but also expressed his love of jeeps, beer, and “being outside”…hypocritical much?

37. His profile said “Are you gorgeous, secure, confident, flexible, giving, intelligent, affectionate, happy, honest, understands men, great communicator and very feminine?” …No one understands men, and that is my first of many concerns with this list.

38.

Um okay thanks for telling me you’re not reading my bio

39. This was his only photo:

Honestly running into creeps on these apps is a serious concern and I don’t understand the point of a “joke” like this

40.

This is truly impossible.

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