Selfishness: my 2017 New Year’s Resolution
If the imgurnet is any indication, 2016 will probably go down in history as a deplorable year. However, for me, 2016 was an amazing year — I got into and completed my first semester of grad school, ran a marathon and made some amazing friends. I pushed myself in ways I never thought I would and achieved more than I ever thought I could. I also failed a lot — testing my personal limits to the max made me realize that I’m not unbreakable. Thanks to some of those amazing friends (❤), I also discovered that it’s ok not to be unbreakable, and I even learned to be (a little) vulnerable. ️And while I’ve learned to be ok with being un-unbreakable, the cracks I’ve uncovered this year have revealed some areas where I need to grow and have landed me on a somewhat unconventional new year’s resolution.
A caveat: this is a personal story. I share it in the hopes that some may relate to it and find comfort in the struggles they experience on their life journey.
Through a thorough self-examination, I realized something in the past year that I never knew about myself before: I often allow my sense of wellbeing to be determined by my ability to meet the expectations of others or my perceptions of what I should be. While this has helped me in some ways to become more like the person I want to be on the outside, it’s done little for the way I feel about who I am on the inside. I haven’t paid enough attention to the way Sarah feels about Sarah, being kind to myself, forgiving myself, investing in myself and building myself up. A wise woman once reminded me years ago during a turbulent time in my life: “no matter where you go, there you are.” It felt cold at the time, but to this day I marvel at how true it was and is.
No matter where we go in the world or what we accomplish in our lives, there we are. There is nothing that can replace the way we feel about ourselves, and few things quite as important. The more we try to find ourselves in “things” — be they achievements, places, friends, romantic relationships or anything else, really — the more we lose ourselves, and the more unsatisfied we become.
And who wants to live an unhappy, materially successful life? I’ll pass.
Of course, I also did some research on this (because INTJ). Turns out this is a legit thing — some people lack a strong sense of self. This can manifest itself (pun intended) in lots of unhealthy behaviors, and it can even lead to personality disorders. In fact, being appropriately selfish is not only a good thing, it’s a really important thing — it allows us to define and maintain a strong personal identity, which is vital for dealing with the world around us in a healthy way.
Personally, I found this shocking. Selfishness is generally considered to be a negative thing as it is typically is understood to imply prioritizing your own needs above those of others in a way that puts someone else at a disadvantage. I grew up in a culture with a particularly intense stigma around selfishness — I was taught that we were born with a thoroughly depraved, self-serving nature. I learned at a young age that all of the problems in the world were rooted in selfishness, and the reason the “golden rule” was to treat others as we would have them treat us was because we’re naturally, incurably selfish. The goal of life was to become selfless and focused on serving others — parents, siblings, friends, children, spouses, etc.
This mentality can be very misleading, even damaging. As with anything in life, there’s a balance to be struck here. We know that too much selfishness can lead to negative behaviors and can prevent us from recognizing and caring for the needs of those around us. But just because selfishness taken to this extreme can be bad doesn’t mean that selfishness is fundamentally bad or wrong — selflessness taken to the extreme also leads to negative behaviors. Science tells us that selfishness is necessary for our wellbeing—it facilitates self respect and fosters the growth of our personal identity. Focusing too much on self-denial and achieving selflessness can be disastrous for our personal growth.
This, for me, has long been the missing piece: selfish tendencies are what enable us to have a strong personal identity and sense of self worth, which is why it’s unfair to consider these tendencies all bad. A healthy personal identity and sense of self worth are what enable us to both achieve greatness and enjoy our accomplishments. Without muddying the waters with questions of “whether or not altruism truly exists,” I will say this: I believe it’s a beautiful thing that caring for others and aligning with worthy causes makes us feel good about ourselves. It should, it’s a good thing to do. It’s okay to acknowledge that doing good makes us feel good. It’s also okay to acknowledge that doing things solely for ourselves is good and makes us feel good.
We can neither be an asset to others nor benefit from others unless we first care for and value ourselves.
So, my New Years resolution this year is a bit different, one I never thought I’d have: I’m going to learn to be appropriately selfish. I hope this will enable me to better care for others, enjoy the company of others, and lead a happier, more fulfilling life. Cheers to a new year, and new perspectives 🍻
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” | Jalaluddin Rumi
