Spinning, spinning, spinning.


When everything goes well, the sun rises and falls. The day starts and ends softly or with a bang, but everything keeps turning. Even if the day is a dark one, I keep going with it.

But, for one of a million reasons, some days are shaky.

It’s like a planet rotating in space. Everything is going fine, but then some force, big or small, makes it wobble a bit on its axis.

And next? What I fear the most — the crash.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen asleep on the floor in the past two years. Not kidding.

Sometimes the worry about the crash is almost as bad as the actual crash. Because (obviously) I’ve memorized the signs. And then I analyze:

“Does this mean something is starting again?”

“Where is my contingency plan?”

“What meeting can I reschedule for another day?”

“Will it ever get better?”

My therapist likes to remind me every so often that it’s gotten so much better. So. much. better. I was reading an entry from a year ago — by far not my low point — and I was shocked at how much I’ve grown and learned. Just one click took me to a post I wrote two years ago and wow. Just wow. I want to go back and hug 2014 Sarah.

I can feel the difference. I can write down how many days have passed that are positive, where the sun rises and sets and I do things and talk with people and down my handfuls of pills and my brain and my body work together.


I’m so tired of f**king firsts and that I track them. First time I didn’t have an awful reaction to meds. First time I got on a plane without a panic attack. First time I went to a loud, crowded social gathering and didn’t lose my shit. First trip out of the country. First time I facilitated without dread beforehand.

That last one was this month, by the way. In some ways, it’s nice to see the progress. But I want to stop tracking it.

Every time there is a wobble I wonder — is this when it falls over? And if I fall, will I be able to get back up?

xo, Sarah

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