2021- Thanks for the Mess
Let me paint a picture, it’s December 31, 2020; 3 days from my birthday and the last day of the year. A day meant for celebration, love, laughter and hope for a brighter new year. We are in the midst of a global pandemic, but hey we survived. We are also on the cusp of a breakup that we never saw coming. We start the New year with a hangover from hell, no appetite and anxiety through the roof. It can only go up from here right? Flash forward 6 months, it’s now July 1, 2021 and we are standing outside a funeral home surrounded by hundreds of people on dirtbikes ready to take one last ride with a guy we just started dating a month and a half prior. This is the definition of rock bottom and the experience that forced me to rise from the ashes.
You never expect to breakup 3 days after Christmas or bury a 25 year old man who had his life ahead of him. You never expect to experience 2 very different grief experiences in a 6 month period. And you definitely are not given a how to guide on grief and loss. 2021 showed me how strong I am because I had no other choice. I won’t pretend that my loss is unique to me. I won’t pretend that my grief means more than anyone else involved, but this was my reality. I’ve spent the year falling apart, putting myself together and falling apart again. I’ve leaned on others for support while also feeling terribly alone. I’ve sought out distance when everyone expects me to reach out. I craved solitude and the sound of my own voice in my head. 2021 I got to face my fears head on and change the narrative, it’s okay to be alone.
2021, the year I got my heart shattered, learned what grief was, and reevaluated who I am as a person/what I need out of life. 2021, the year I allowed a lot of people in and shut a couple out. 2021, the year I learned to set boundaries and also open my heart. But most of all, 2021, the year I realized my worth.
This year I’ve traveled to multiple states and cities, I’ve seen multiple concerts and sports games, I’ve spent time with some of the most amazing people that I’ve ever met and I’ve left behind some that I will truly never forget; ones who have shaped me for the better and for the worse.
This year I’ve learned exactly what I deserve and how to move on from everything, while never settling for anything less than the same energy I give. I say 2021 has been the worst year of my life, and in many ways it has, but this year has also been a crucial part of my story and I know I will look back on it and think “holy shit how did I survive that?”
I feel like I say this every year but good Lord I am happy to see this year go and I’m so excited to see what the next year will look like. I won’t be cliché or cheesy and expect Jan 1 to be a fresh start just because the numbers on the calendar flipped but I will try and be the best version of myself. 2021 taught me how to be alone, here’s to 2022 teaching me that it’s okay to connect.
So long 2021, thanks for the mess…I mean memories.