An Open Marconigram to Mayor Sutro

I take pen to paper today to voice my concern and moral outrage at the increasing descent into vice the city is currently faced with. I have made my domicile in this fair metropolis for three years now, and without a doubt it has descended into the darkest depths of human inequity since the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah. I see humanity sprawled akimbo across the walking path, prostrate in various pastures, and small townships have sprung up of be-tented citizens whom chose to wallow in the muck of the thoroughfare. Worst yet, it has become a hazard to one such as myself, unaccustomed to such goings on.

This holiday weekend, I had the Paterfamilias of my esteemed and genteel clan in to the town from the southern Mission of Santa Barbara, a good town of clean living folk to whom the following misadventures were of profound discomfort to. Other delegates of my noble family from such environs as Denver and the Rochester of New York traveled at great distance and expense to amuse themselves in this disgusting hovel by the bay. To our great dismay there were three separate occasions of insult and bedevilment by the unwashed peasantry of this accursed town. To wit I endeavor to elucidate to you now.

The first incident of discomfort. We had attended a Kabuki Theater performed by the natives of Nippon, whom a touring company had presented for the education and bemusement of our esteemed selves. The plot of which was immaterial. A man of modest means, possibly in grief over misguided speculation in the Tulip Market ambulated unsteadily about the performing hall. His celluloid collar was in disarray, and his waistcoat was quite stained with wines. We were all disturbed and the courtesan I reserved to escort me that evening had a fit of womanish hysteria much to my disinterest.

Indecent the Second. I began our constitutional to take in the airs of the District Financial, when a China-Man obviously befuddled with that curse of their race: the opium poppy, attempted to sing some form of Celestial Aria at our direction. The sounds were like the playing of cat gut and had a falsetto disharmony that made my delicate ears more attuned to the dulcet tones of light opera feel a spasm of auditory malevolence never previously experienced. At this point he revealed his organ and we fell about in mourning of our innocence.

The third and final encounter of great alarm. A red skinned Hottentot suffering from the effects of imbibing strong spirits (whom, like many of his lesser race have no buttresses against the temptation of drink) leaned against and be-smudged a hansom cab. A passing gentleman was unamused and set about striking him with his pearl handled walking stick. The savage, whom had no experience in the Marquis of Queensberry rules of pugilism, began grappling and they both exerted much force and grunting as they tested each others mettle. Fortunately the good Christian not unlike the contest of Jacob and the Angel bested the heathen, and for amusing sport in the spirit of Victoribus Spolia both micturated upon the godless natives hindquarters and took his child-wife as recompense. My dearest mother was overcome and had to spend the rest of the day on her fainting couch taking medicinal ointments and ablations.

What are you going to do Mr. Sutro to address this problem? The gentlefolk of this fine yet be-cursed city will take it no more. As a society with no other moral imperative than the satisfaction of those whom are beneficiaries of fine educations, good stock, and to whom are enlarged financially by merit-less advantage, you are failing by any rubric to even merit the worst of failing grades. I should not have to view the dirty unfortunates who you do not have the decency to either drown in the ocean or put to good use wielding a hammer for the railroad. My dearest parents whom to such sights are an abhorrence should not have to be put through the tiresome experience of viewing such wretches.

I say again good sir, there will be an uprising! Whilst the bile of most gentle folk is in ascension, the humors will be most temperful until some kind of prescription is administered. During one of the recent purges of the hoi polloi during our fine Sporting Contests that were held in our city, the streets were swept clean of these foul creatures. If you do not eliminate these pests from our boulevards we will call a general assembly and have you and your ilk evacuated from the seat of public power and replace you with those whom serve our classes interests. Be they moneyed or other.

I end with one final renunciation of your misguided tenure by quoting my spiritual mentor great Sir Shkreli himself. “ Plato and some shit about Socrates”.

I bid you good day.