When You See Something So Bad That You Have To Write It Out Of Your Brain Or Die
That may be a little dramatic of me. I mean, it’s just a movie. A horrible, terrible, no good movie. So why am I still thinking of it and shuddering? Since this is the place where I leave my worst thoughts, I figured I should drop my steaming load of thought vomit here so that I can sleep tonight.
The story is that these two guys, Mike and Dave Stangle, are huge screw-up party guys that are so obnoxious that their family has to stage an intervention and warn them to straighten up before their sister’s wedding. For some reason, the guys are told that dates are the answer. So instead of really making them own their crazy, their dad forces them to involve two unsuspecting women who are expected to control them. Um, why? Like, is that why men date? Should I have invested in a whip and collar instead of trying to be nice?
Mike (Adam Devine) and Dave (Zac Efron) decide to do the most expedient thing possible: put an ad on Craigslist. Because that is where you find furniture, serial killers, and good women. The ad goes viral, they end up on Wendy (convenient publicity since the liberal police went after her for speaking her truth on HBCU’s and the outdated NAACP), and two sloppy hyenas see them and decide to go after the free Hawaiian vacation they’re offering as part of the date package. If anything will frighten you out of seeking cheap internet fame, it’s the thought that some zombie THOT in dirty underpants will try to date you.
The predatory Tatiana (played by deadeyed Aubrey Plaza) is the mastermind, She orchestrates the shoplifting of the wardrobes that they need to be ‘respectable as fuck’. Her friend Alice (Anna Kendrick in a series of startling wigs) is suffering from PTSD from being left at the altar. Brutally left at the altar. Like ‘it’s not even funny how callously and unfeelingly she was ripped to shreds’ at the altar. Using basic fashion knowledge and animal cunning, Tatiana seals the deal by creating a situation that leads the guys to choose her and her friend as opposed to the girls having to put themselves in a beggarly position.
This was one of the few things I actually liked, because that’s everything in life, being able to turn a bad situation into a good one. Just…I hope women don’t start throwing themselves in front of cars to get male attention in real life. If the guy doesn’t have a script that drives him to your side for amateur CPR, you’re screwed.
Things progress in a tedious fashion and the foursome descend upon a luxury resort hotel on one of our most gorgeous states and manage to gain Mike and Dave’s parents approval, while again stressing the idea that they need women to keep them in line. Except, these two women have sunk into a weed and liquor infused slackness (although Alice shows glimmers of a decency that Tatiana can’t even approach) that isn’t exactly endearing. They do things and cause things to happen that ruin the wedding and leave everyone somewhat bruised, both physically and emotionally. They’re like a chemical fire or some hot, slow acting acid. I just watched the carnage unfold and I feel scarred.
I watched the film in horrified fascination wondering how they could take something that could have been raucously hilarious and made it seem like a sign of the apocalypse drawing nigh. It’s hard to really explain. I didn’t hate it, but I was appalled by how wrong it felt. I felt sad for the female characters who lived in such squalor that in one scene Alice bolts awake and has a lollipop stuck in her really bad weave. (Why are her wigs so bad? Why?)I wondered if, had the trip not come up, would Tatiana have led Alice into prostitution and heroin usage. Like, those characters really frightened me.
Mike and Dave are just emblematic of the end of white civilization. Rich, good looking, weirdly clueless and so stupid that you wonder how they’ve even managed to master the adult rituals of paying rent and changing clothes. There’s a musical number that… I could use the words cultural appropriation, but I don’t want any culture to have to take the blame for their antics. It’s the second time that I’ve seen This Is How We Do It butchered in a mainstream movie and I am hoping that this puts a stop to that.
If you are desperate for entertainment, bored, drunk, high, deranged or someone that you want to sleep with feels that this is the only film worth seeing then go ahead and see it. Otherwise see anything else. In fact, try to talk them into waiting for Netflix and save the money for something that won’t leave you empty and slightly nauseous.
