That Sudden Realization.

It’s a Tuesday; and I’m stuck in the office, as usual. And my thought gets the best of me today. More than what it normally does. All I’m thinking about is why. And who. And when. But mostly, why? Why am I still single? Why is it hard to love me?

Oh boy, looking inwards has never felt this confusing. I know, hell yeah, I really know what I want. And I like to think that I know how to get it. But the rebellious part of me wants it to happen differently. It is so confusing because yes, I don’t want to get stuck with the “conventional love story”, but all I want is a stable, happily-ever-after kind of love. I just want this feeling of disaffection that I have to be gone, if possible, forever. And I tried to stick with what my mamma has always told me, “be grateful and you will become well-rested in life.” But mamma! It is so hard to get by the routine and try to be positive all the time! I need to get the result of my patience soon! (Now, please!)

I spent today (and the whole of last night) thinking, am I so unlovable that I don’t deserve a significant other? What makes a person unlovable at the first place? Who decides on this thing? Well, realistically the societal norms and common sense do give us some ideas on what attributes are deemed “lovable”. And I tried my best to be lovable, at least I think I’m kind enough to others, so that’s a good start.

Hmm, is it more on physical attraction? Yeah I admit that I don’t have the “oh-fuck-me-now” body but honestly I don’t want to be “lovable” because of how I look, or how toned my body is! I want them to love me more than my average body type. Deeper than all this superficial and aging outer skins. Can I be lovable with only my attitude, and my thoughts, and my views on the world, and my respect towards life’s indifference, and my casual, intellectual banters, and my love in cooking and listening to good music? After 30 years of trying to be loved in that way, I realized the answer is sadly, a no.

It’s a no not because it’s wrong. Nope. There’s nothing wrong to be loved and to fall for someone for their personality. Hell, that’s all I want my love story to be! But I realized, I need to change my perception somehow. I need to do a 180 and find the balance. I’m planning to join a the nearby gym and get toned. And in the same time, I will still be my same fucking self. The extrovert, intellectual, reliable, positive, upbeat, geeky, sad, moody, nostalgic self. And I’m doing this to prove a point. Will I be more “obvious” to people that I’m now “lovable” when I have a flat tummy? Will it become more apparent that people will start noticing me for the wrong reasons (but any publicity is good publicity huh). Maybe they will be this kind of people: “Hey this guy is not that complicated after all, look at his muscled arms and look at his hot bod, oh yeah, he is intelligent and wise too but who cares about that.” Oh yeah I will consider fucking you (if you are to my liking) but I will think twice to have a relationship with you. Well, you never batted an eye towards me before I went through the physical transformation, so fuck you. Because I will stay true to what I want, I want someone to love me for me as an entity in this world. As a whole being.

And for that I would like to be able to fully love myself, both spiritually and physically. I want to fall in love with myself first. Like fully, head-over-heels kind of love towards myself. This might sounds “cray-cray” but he truth is I want to have no other reasons for people to not love me. I want to be that perfect! I don’t think it’s possible and I know it will never be that perfect but at least I can die trying.

Ah, I never be this determined whenever I daydreamed before! How crazy and lonely am I to have all this thought? How desperate am I to come out with plans to be lovable? Hmm, I know that whatever life takes me next, ultimately I want to share this “lovely being” with someone who is lucky enough to see through my thick skin, cloudy mood and volatile facade. But am I wrong to live my life this way? To rely my happiness based on the kindness of strangers? But I really can’t help it, I realized that I can’t be satisfied being alone by myself in this world.

To quote Eartha Kitt, “I want someone to share me with me”. Yeah it’s narcissistic but that is what I want in my life!