219 facts

this fucking thing

i. sonic the hedgehog following me on twitter made me happier than it probably should have.

ii. throughout my life i’ve recorded under two names when rapping: beastmode & bruise wayne.

iii. i took taekwondoe for two and a half years when i was 14.

iv. partway through i was forced to move to the adult class for being ‘too big’ for the other children.

v. my first adult class, a 39 year old man who called himself brick chopped me in the neck.

vi. i do not respect jeff doering as a person.

vii. before about last year, every word of every song i’ve ever learned was to impress girls.

viii. the first song i learned to sing was ‘paranoia in b major’ by the avett brothers.

ix. the first song i ever sang in front of an audience was ‘i’ll make a man out of you’ from mulan during a musical theatre camp.

x. i legitimately did not know the camp was a musical theatre camp until 10 minutes before we were supposed to be judged. 30 of the 39 children sang from ‘cats’.

xi. i played bass guitar when i was in middle school.

xii. i took exactly one class before i realized that the class was inside of a furniture store and that this guy was a 40 year old pothead teaching bass guitar from the inside of a furniture store.

xiii. i regret never giving him the chance to prove himself a funky jedi.

xiv. one day in detention i met someone who thought part of wolverine’s mutant powers were ‘growing facial hair really fast’.

xv. my dream car is a 1976 cadillac coup deville, because snoop dogg said he drove one and i was young and it sounded cool.

xvi. to this day, i have never seen a cadillac coup deville. i’d like one in red.

xvii. not knowing how to contact old friends makes me profoundly sad.

xviii. i played in three bands during high school — facelove, odd capitol, and a cover band named silent velcro.

xix. i joined sv at a time when i felt particularly distant from my family, and lived at our guitarist roby’s house while learning guitar.

xx. i’d call him chief, and he’d call me goat. corrai’s name was spelled too odd for any sort of name to stick.

xxi. we tried out a drummer much older than us named lydia, but everyone called her ‘hydeous mitrevski’ to make fun of her. we did as well.

xxii. lydia, if you ever read this i hope you know i’m sorry. i was 15 and i didn’t want to be uncool.

xxiii. for real though, girl could drum like a demon. i think she went on to be a section leader for troy. high five, l.

xxiv. i used to have a domo-kun beanie, and i’d drape it over a top-hat.

xxv. i never knew domo-kun’s origins or background which made me feel like a fraud, but the tophat made it look sick. i’ve gone back and looked.

xxvi. my greatest weakness is knowing how to apologize to people i don’t have immediate access to.

xxvii. my second greatest weakness is being too handsome.

xxviii. being invited to and attending jenn frank’s wedding is one of best moments of my life. i learned so much about love that weekend.

xxix. i very much believe in true love, and hope to find it one day.

xxx. it’s a great difficulty of mine to comprehend people who don’t feel the same.

xxxi. i chose roman numerals to see how far i could get before having to google which come next.

xxxii. tengen toppa gurren lagann still endures as my favorite work of animation ever, and will likely remain so for a very very long time.

xxxiii. i feel bad for liking kill la kill as much as i do whenever someone i respect dislikes the blatant sexualization

xxxiv. show’s still bomb tho.

xxxv. in the second grade, i vomited all over my teacher’s shoes while she tried to take care of me. those shoes were fucking ruined.

xxxvi. my 6th grade math teacher is the only woman i’ve ever called a bitch to her face and meant it.

xxxvi. she died from an aneurysm while i was away from alabama. i never got to apologize.

xxxvii. she had over 300 pairs of birkenstocks. i can’t remember her name. it hurts to think about.

xxxviii. i never tell my friends enough that i love them. one day we’ll separate, and i’ll think fondly of them, and i’ll worry i never said it enough.

xxxix. if you’re reading this, i love you.*

*xxxx. unless you’re jeff doering

xli. this is the moment i googled, because xxxx felt stupid to type. can’t go back now.

xlii. typing l lowercased i’m sure also has some dead romans in a fit, but somehow rick lives his life like this everyday so i’m sure i can for an evening.

xliii. opening my dm’s on twitter was one of the most positive decisions i’ve made in recent memory. thank for your all of your kind words, if you’ve sent me some.

xliv. except for that one person who sent me a diseased dick, but i imagine one dick per 50 nice messages is a much better rate than most get.

xlv. once, someone mailed me a copy of fire emblem for the wii. i didn’t finish it, and i never returned it. i am scum.

xlvi. years later i lent out professor layton and the curious village to some crazy stoner flower girl and never got it back either, so i figure that makes it even.

xlvii. i’ve beaten each of the 6 professor layton games within days of their release. i lived in a different city for each one.

xlviii. from the 3rd onwards, each prof layton made me cry like a baby at one point or another. they’re just so fucking ghibli and then bam, feelings.

xlix. he’s the reason i always wanted to be a gentleman. i hope i can be.

l. i had a turtle for 2 years named cpt. jay douglass falcon scarborough.

li. i loved the little guy, but holy shit am i bad at keeping pets.

lii. i consider myself to be someone that’s fiercely loyal.

liii. that said, my past is littered with people, places, and things i’ve abandoned. i’ve resolved to not do it again.

liv. even so, sometimes it’s the right decision. it still hurts.

lv. this one looks like it’s describing my level, and i had a nice giggle about it.

lvi. people who compose music blow my mind in ways i do not yet have the words for. if you make music (or even play it well), holy shit.

lvii. it makes me proud beyond expression that my talented art friends like my ideas, and sometimes incorporate them into their work.

lviii. the fact that people don’t like steven universe or undertale because ‘tumblr and sjw’ makes me upset

lvix. like do you not see garnet and papyrus and cheeseburger backpack

lx. my biggest fear is being misunderstood. i hate not coming across or communicating effectively, and it’s driven me my whole life.

lxi. signing things at conventions makes me more anxious than it should, but i developed a silly signature anyways.

lxii. every 10–20 signatures, i’ll do a spinoff signature that’s a way of giving some people a ‘rare pokemon’. so instead of ‘scarizard!’ it’ll say ‘blue-eyes-white scarizard!’

lxiii. the name scarizard was given to me by a tiny indian boy named ankita tippur. i was visiting him days before i went to riot at his college dorm in atlanta and he just fucking called me that as if it wasn’t some amazing life-defining pun. god skeeter, what a genius.

lxiv. of all the games i made it right to the end and never finished, i’m the most ashamed of not finishing ni no kuni. that game is pure, adorable bliss and re-thinking many of its monster and environment designs still make me smile.

lxv. introduction sequences in movies or games where a parent dies will always make me cry, bar none. even the intro to the new star trek where he steers the ship into the field and sends his son off — are you guys not human? DAD ;A;

lxvi. my first favorite character in a videogame was gutsman from the original megaman. he’s part man, part truck. that’s awesome.

lxvii. i’ve never kissed a boy. i don’t have any plans or desires to, but i totally almost did once and ran away.

lxviii. i have, however, kissed a non-zero amount of ladies. 16 year old me would love to read this fact.

lxix. i’ve always thought that everything about the card ‘cruel ultimatum’ in magic: the gathering is super fucking brutal. what a metal card.

lxx. i once lived for a few months pretending to be a british person in a city i’d just moved to, and most people bought it. (or at least they said they did, which is sweet of them).

lxxi. people are my motivator. my spiral energy. if you truly need me, i’ll do my best to help in any way i can.

lxxii. this stems from my homeless/vagabond period, where i had a very low opinion of myself. many strangers showed me love and care during that time, and it’s because of them i keep fighting to this day.

lxxiii. two people from that period visited la recently and showing them riot and my apartment is one of the happiest nights i’ve ever had. i got to show them everything was worth it. i’d made it.

lxxiv. if you’re reading this addie, thank you for the couscous. thank you for letting me work on crossword puzzles at your restaurant while you closed when i needed a ride home. thank you.

lxxv. i’m very protective of who i let call me ‘patty’. if you do it and it doesn’t make me visibly uncomfortable, congratulations.

lxxvi. i’m a firm believer in the power of personal rituals.

lxxvii. every morning during the months of my hiring process, i’d get up and say to myself in the mirror. ‘just get going. don’t be distracted by the what-if’s, should’ves, and if-onlys. the one thing you choose yourself — that is the truth of your universe.’ every day.

lxxviii. i also have a secret poem that is very close to me — to date, i’ve only told one human being ever.

lxxix. i have many secrets, and they’re all very silly things like that.

lxxx. sometimes the league of legends voiceover gets me really, really hyped up.

lxxxi. besides being busted as fuck (though many people disagree), this is a primary reason for my illaoi infatuation. current favorite:‘to die is to drown — so i will swim well.’

lxxxii. 2nd favorite quote is when infernal nasus asks ‘do storms pity the drowned?’ if that skin was any more hard it’d be a goddamn diamond

lxxxiii. the overall best is when sion says ‘winning is like breathing.’ who says that? the unkillable zombie khal drogo, that’s who fucking says it. god.

lxxxiv. i can’t write well if i’m listening to music with words in it. i’ve never understood why, but when i mention it others agree intuitively.

lxxxv. writing patch notes are some of the most stressful times of my life, but the moment someone finds a shitty half-joke i laughed at 3am about it makes my day x100

lxxxvi. i hope i never become a true celebrity. i just want people to feel like they can talk to me.

lxxxvii. no matter what, i am always the same lost boy in my heart. when people address me as if i’m a somebody, it catches me off guard.

lxxxviii. my greatest achievement in acting was playing reb tevye in fiddler on the roof. what a fun show.

lxxxix. i basically snap-got the role for having a beard and being able to do accents, but i learned how to sing and dance for it too. very valuable experience.

xc. i’m not sure how we went from ‘lxxxix’ to ‘xc’, but whatever you say rome.

xci. if i’m not writing while delirious, the words just don’t come.

xcii. i’ve always struggled with the fact that i’m in ‘publishing’ technically, because everything in my life outside of riot taught me that marketing/branding/pr stuff was bullshit.

xciii. the reason i ever wanted to act was so i could be on the daily show with jon stewart. i sincerely hope i can meet him and share a crossword puzzle one day.

xciv. speaking of, i used to get out of doing gym class by helping my illiterate gym coach to do crossword puzzles.

xcv. how you gonna be a grown-ass man with a trophy wife and 3 kids and you spell birds ‘b-e-r-d-s’. bruh.

xcvi. the only thing i remember from 3 years of german classes is the word ‘scwartzfeldekircshetorte’. it means ‘black forest cherry cake’. i don’t care if i spelled it wrong.

xcvii. i’ll often blame the alabama city school system for my frequent typos and grammatical errors as a joke, but i’m pretty sure it’s true.

xcviii. i went to school 70 out of 170 days my senior year in high school.

xcix. my first ever ‘persona’ when naming protagonists in single player games was ‘lunar’ because of how fucking cool the character from mischief makers was.

c. ‘elite four’ or ‘x number of legendary warriors/items/spells’ trope is my favorite trope of all time, no matter how bad the show or the game.

ci. mischief makers also featured a dude who was part gorilla and looked like gutsman. i was sold.

cii. the video ‘i’m the juggernaut, bitch’ has influenced the way i pop the ‘b’ in ‘bitch’ and say the phrase ‘get the fuck out’ for over 10 years.

ciii. i always loved big heavy characters because i was overweight as a child and looked up to their ability to turn it into an advantage.

civ. even now that i’m finally approaching fit and have muscles, i’d still rather hover around 220–230 and have big arms/chest than be incredibly lean.

cv. i spent a long time thinking ‘cv’ somehow stood for ‘cover letter’ somehow. damn, i’m dumb.

cvi. i found out two weeks ago that birds lay eggs all the time, even when not giving birth. i’d never put these together. i am a fraud.

cvii. i love football and love anyone who will watch college football with me and get actually emotionally invested.

cviii. on that note, i love getting hyped. i often wonder why more people don’t do more to get excited in their every day lives.

cix. if you ever hear me say ‘yooooooooooo’, it’s basically a behavioral tick that triggers when i’m so excited or into something i can’t hide it even if i want to.

cx. a centuries old tree and landmark in my hometown was destroyed over a college football rivalry. this sentence explains alabama on more levels than i can describe.

cxi. typing this made me think of a show called ‘cxi: miami’ where it’s just like regular csi but they do extreme sports

cxii. for all the shit i give jeff doering he’s actually alright, but i still think the name ‘nekomaru’ is above the legal blood-weaboo content in the state of california

cxiii. one of my favorite memories is walking across a cold december campus in olympia washington to get the free pb&j sandwiches at the police office with my friends — we didn’t say a single word for over 5 minutes, but instead hummed and bebopped ‘bob-omb battlefield’ from super mario 64 in perfect harmony the entire way.

cxiv. i get sad when people initially meet some of my stories with skepticism. like i’m in some position where i have to prove stuff to you just because i wanted to share a fun/beautiful occurrence ._.

cxv. a jojo’s bizarre adventure x billie jean mashup just came on, and goddamn do i need to watch that show. sorry keith.

cxvi. i thought super mario galaxy 2 was my favorite mario of all time but then super mario 3d world for the wii u came in and just fucked my shit up

cxvii. one of my favorite head-sketches is sephiroth in a white-collar business job having his end-of-year review and trying to reconcile his desire for career growth and employment with his long-term wish to destroy the planet and fuse with the lifestream

cxviii. “so uh, sephiroth. it says here on your 90 day plan that you’re looking to up your sales, and something about ‘harnessing a meteor’?”

cxix. i got unreasonably excited by the trailer for straight outta compton because of the bond i formed with nwa when i was 13

cxx. being a white boy from alabama made me self-conscious about my love for gangster rap. i’m working on it.

cxxi. i used to drive 2 hours every week to go play magic tournaments in montgomery.

cxxii. just realized the incredibly inconsistent punctuation throughout this, sorry fam.

cxxiii. i drove a 2003 red ford focus my friend/mentor/role model marc loeffke used to own but gave away after going to college.

cxxiv. i immediately gave it the vanity plate ‘beowulf’ and proceeded to treat it like shit.

cxxv. i skipped midterms at the university of alabama to drive 10 hours to see a girl for a weekend. the driver’s window shattered on the way, and when i made it home i learned the tires had gone flat 5 hours ago.

cxxvi. the auto-repair guys told me they have no idea how i lived to roll it in there. years later, i can confidently say ‘same’.

cxxvii. it hurts me when league players think we don’t know how to balance because the people i work with every day are geniuses and sweethearts and put their body and soul and sanity into work every day

cxxviii. also sometimes just baffled at public outcry on nerfing characters that are so out of line power-wise it’s not even funny.

cxxix. like bruh i’m good at league of legends but when i win 17 games in a row of hecarim it ain’t just me na’m sayin

cxxx. i once wished to have a t-shirt that just said ‘fuck books’. a friend of mine got it on a mug and i laugh every time.

cxxxi. i don’t hate books, but it’s just the idea that about 90% of people will be appalled. 9% of people will think it’s funny. but that 1% will see it and say ‘yeah…yeah you know what? fuck books!!!’

cxxxii. alabama taught me that even book-hatin’ knuckle-draggin’ mouth-breathin’ folk need t-shirts made for them too, y’know?

cxxxiii. traveling to japan was so magical. it’s hella cliche but god visiting mountain temples and meditating at shrines was some next-level shit.

cxxxiv. every time someone gives me a genuine compliment about working out, i give a determined anime nod to my inner child.

cxxxv. another head-sketch i made up with my buddy eli is a southern tsa agent apprehending people at the airport via magic the gathering rules and it tickles me to no end.

cxxxvi. ‘now sir? sir. if you don’t get under control, i will tap up to three of your permanents, sir. and no, they will not untap for as long as i am in play, that’s correct.’

cxxxvii. you probably have to hear it in person but god i just laugh so much

cxxxix. people cooking for me is one of the more heartfelt things i can imagine, and i have such a deep respect for those that take the effort.

cl. over thanksgiving break i got to stay at the house a ton of my coworkers share forever and it’s the first time since moving to la i felt like i belonged anywhere.

cli. getting my own room when i moved here is one of the more lonely feelings i’ve ever known.

clii. i used to live in people’s living rooms with tons of other deadbeats or stoners or friends. like a pack of wolves, i’d always sleep close by people like me. once i had a room, that changed.

cliii. one of my best friends is named tarantulas, and he is incredibly fit despite eating literally nothing but cookies and crackers and 2 liter bottles of soda. i will never understand it. i refuse to.

cliv. almost everything in atlanta was a mistake.

clv. one night i was up with a bunch of friends all night talking and when we went outside at dawn the house next door had burned down. it burned through the night and we hadn’t even noticed.

clvi. if you ever come to know a man named davinci barcelo, just walk away.

clvii. a man named bilal ali taught me how to hustle a lead pencil, and it stands as one of the more important lessons of my life.

clviii. my close friend iain asked me to pick out video game remixes for his wedding and i don’t know if i’ve ever felt as honored.

clix. i have gigs upon gigs of stored/compiled video game remixes. this feels like it’s my special ability.

clx. i truly love burritos, even if they make me feel like a walking fleshbag afterwards.

clxi. i feel embarrassed to like girls’ selfies on twitter even when i find them truly beautiful.

clxii. there was a time in my life where i’d drink vault energy drink as much as i could, and i wish i could not do that.

clxiii. the first anime i ever watched was outlaw star, and what a show it was.

clxiv. i’ve seen dan o’brien from cracked.com all over la but the first time i saw him in person i casually said something about my love of spiderman to him and he looked so nervous and annoyed he might explode, so i never tried it again.

clxv. it’s my life’s dream to make an rpg where your gear/combat are literally determined by your personality. i’m slowly building ideas/resources until it’s time.

clxvi. also there are cute frog losers that skateboard and are generally bored with life and one of them is named radpole and i’m v. proud of that name

clxvii. i don’t consider myself a very good writer.

clxviii. i consider myself and above-average communicator, but that doesn’t always come off on a page the way i might say it in person. one day.

clxix. i’ve spent way too much money on summoner’s war and as a result have shamefully stopped playing but damn did i have some dope monsters tho

clxx. i really need new glasses because i’ve had mine since i was 18 and it’s a miracle they’ve lasted this long considering the shit i’ve put them through.

clxxi. i’d like to get to a point where i’m comfortable recording myself singing, but i don’t know if i’d want to go through having a youtube channel.

clxxii. sometimes i think i might be too personal for some people (he says, 170 confessions/facts deep with internet strangers).

clxxiii. i consider people my friends really quickly, and i don’t know if i do enough to let people know how much those bonds really mean to me.

clxxiv. dc is a talented caster for smash 4/melee and when he and his girlfriend let me stay at his place for a night a while back it was legitimately too sweet of them.

clxxv. i’ve been mistreated a lot in my life, but i wouldn’t want any of that to have changed.

clxxvi. i think i got into videogames as a way of impressing kids in my community because of how unpopular i was. it was a way i could provide them some insight or entertainment that might be valuable.

clxxvii. one of my babysitters played final fantasy 8 with me and as a result i harbored the biggest crush on her a 3rd grader could ever have.

clxxix. i honor the memories of my close friends by always keeping their stories and circulating them to new friends/acquaintances

clxxx. almost everything about my work has taught me that about 10% or less of the people who start will make it here, but i’m glad you’re here with me.

clxxxi. it’s been an active goal to be more emotional in my life.

clxxxii. when i was younger i had legitimate fears of being a sociopath.

clxxxiii. my birthday is on 4/20, but i’m not a smoker really

clxxxiv. i have a very weird pride about finding smooth mcgroove’s youtube channel when he had under 100 subs.

clxxxv. sitting down and teaching people video games is one of my life’s greatest pleasures.

clxxxvi. i often wonder if i have seasonal depression — especially considering how consistently high my emotions are around summer/fall. winter sucks.

clxxxvii. my dachshund sophie is almost 16 years old and i’m not ready for her to go. i’ve never been through the death of a pet.

clxxxix. the day i got her she sat on my lap as i read a big pokemon book i got from the book fair to her as a puppy. i love you, sophie girl.

cc. i still don’t understand exactly what the purpose of cc’ing people on emails is rather than sending it to everyone directly.

cci. even if it might make me a better player or get better results, there’s something in my blood that won’t let me give up playing donkey kong.

ccii. i’ve considered switching mains for good, but i’d feel like i wasn’t doing things the way i wanted and i’d lose interest and quit. i’m about that a lot, i think. blessing and a curse.

cciii. i don’t really know how to handle when people compliment me on the way my voice sounds. i listen to it all the time :x

cciv. when drunk people come back from a party or gathering and tell me they wish i’d gone it’s so genuine and sweet

ccv. my parents always used to check me out of school to see movies by saying they were dr’s appointments. then they’d return us to school and i got to flex on kids.

ccvi. part of me wishes people still drank out of juiceboxes, but then i realize that’s basically what wine in a box is.

ccvii. i hope no one is bothered by how super real/personal all of this got, but i’ll use it as a reminder that you can always talk to me about any of your problems and i’ll try my best to help. i don’t mean that as a platitude or a plug (or similar words beginning with pl), just want you to know i’m there.

ccviii. i know every word to seu jorge’s cover of david bowie’s ‘starman’ in portuguese, but i don’t speak the language.

ccix. ‘so sephiroth, where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ ‘one with the earth, free of the burdens of humanity as life was intended’ ‘….i see. well, what about an assistant manager position?’

ccx. the amount of times i’ve gotten truly lucky when my life or safety/personal belongings were on the line is ‘way more than is normal’

ccxi. when i was around 10 or so, our house caught fire because a neighborhood kid set our basketball goal ablaze as an act of vandalism and it set off a reaction via the trees. i was home with the babysitter and immediately ran to get a bucket of water and kept filling it in the bathtub and splashing it on the trees over and over because our hose was stuck.

ccxii. one time fell asleep in a house after my older brother turned on the gas stove and let it run. there was about a 50/50 chance that my aunt and uncle coming home and opening the door would have killed both of us in our sleep.

ccxiii. i sometimes force myself to ponder death and non-existence as a means of being comfortable with it as a concept, but i never last longer than 10 minutes or so before i think of how i can make someone feel important or beautiful instead.

ccxiv. i’ve had a number of close friends over the years i’ve considered ‘sidekicks’ in the least condescending way i could mean that. i miss all of them, and i hope that our time together helped them on their way.

ccxv. i now know the words to my chemical romance’s hit ‘helena’ after years of despising the band because of one really dope remix.

ccxvi. afraid to ask my friends to help me design my tattoo, but i don’t know if i trust i can find a tattoo artist to concept it 100%

ccxvii. final fantasy 9 is a mess. i know you love it for nostalgia, but talking through the plot point-by-point is one hilarious exercise. it’s a fun mess. things can be not that great and fun!!!

ccxviii. a few weeks ago i was listening to a mix of kanye west/rick ross’s song ‘sanctified’ and passed some elderly people with my earbuds in belting ‘all i wanted was 100 million dollars and a bad bitch’ and i feel really bad about it

ccxix. one of these 219 statements is a lie