10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch Super Bowl 52
Because Philly & New England fans are the AIDS of the NFL
Look. We get it. Bill Belichek and his GOAT are going back to the Super Bowl for the eighth time. Tom Brady has the potential to need both hands to display all his SB rings. Love him (wrong choice) or hate him (correct choice), Brady’s divisiveness helps bring football fans together year in and year out, to cheer & boo his existence. At the end of the day, I’d love to open a beer, eat entirely too much food, and root against Tom Brady, his Patriots and his goddamn Patriots. Unfortunately, that’s made impossible by the sheer fact that the opposing team is the Philadelphia Eagles.
In preparation for the Vikings/Eagles game, Philly PD prepared for their debaucherous fans by greasing up poles throughout their city so as to avoid any King Kong moments. However, even if you could ignore the depraved behavior of the hooligans roaming South Street it’s impossible to ignore Eagles fan’s promises to fuck everything they can upon going to the SB:
Tom Brady’s wife Gisele.
Or Millie, a 99-year die hard Vikings fan that was surprised with tickets to her first playoff game.
Eagles fans responded as only Eagles fans can.
Hell, Eagles fans even promised to fuck the aforementioned poles and why not? They’re already greased for easy penetration.
Both fan bases are repugnant. Last year Richard Spencer, the Alt-Right’s leader and Tom Brady fanboy took to Twitter to express his delight at the NFL’s whitest team winning the SB. You can read my full account of that here. So, with this year’s SB set between pole-lovers & neo-nazis, I find myself musing over anything, literally ANYTHING, to do besides watch this dumpster fire of a football game.
Without further ado, here’s my list of activities more appealing than watching Super Bowl LII.
1. Lick the lint from John Goodman’s bellybutton.
2. Have the contents of an overdone Hot Pocket squirted directly into my mouth.
3. Paper-cut the corners of my eyes, mouth, and between my toes.
4. Give a Tide Pod eating teenager mouth to mouth.
5. Get caught attempting to sodomize a half-eaten Pringles can.
6. Watch all of Nicholas Cage’s movies while being watched by Nicholas Cage.
7. Attend a Nickelback concert.
8. Perform a one-man show honoring the Goldberg Body Remix.
9. Be given a full body wax with duct tape.
10. Go an entire week where I’m forced to poop after taking a shower.
