Welcome to this insightful and politically inspired commentary on the UK’s upcoming snap general election on June 8th.
It’s been literally about a year but i’m back.
Last time I updated my medium was for the UK’s EU referendum and needless to say it didn’t really help, at all (you know despite the fact I LITERALLY studied the EU at university but whatever, who needs to study y’all just make this stupid ass decision without actually knowing how the fuck it works that’s fine i’m not mad).
Hopefully I can do better this time by providing the public (my Facebook friends and twitter followers) with some quality, insightful and useful commentary on UK politics.
So lets begin…
I will start by asking you all a question.
If you had to shut your penis in a door, would you put it in the handle side or the hinge side?
Or alternatively if you do not have the penis required to simulate this analogy;
If you had to shut one of your breasts in a door, would you put it handle side or hinge side?
But Scott, what does this even mean? What relevance does this have? Why do I HAVE to shut my penis in a door?
Firstly, it means I can never share this with any of my family.
Secondly, but also more importantly, it signifies my feelings adequately about the upcoming general election.
Theresa May, in calling a snap election for the June 8th may as well have asked me to severely damage my penis by shutting it a door. But why? Because this is painful for pretty much everyone involved. Both of the options involve pain, which is how I view this general election from my unrepresented viewpoint.
No one wants the Conservatives to win, but they will win anyway because they’re the Conservatives and they don’t care about ordinary people.
The ‘opposition’ party is divided to the extent to which they will probably end up having another leadership election before the general election.
Jeremy ‘Jezza’ Corbyn is down in opinion polls by a ridiculous amount, and yes the polls got Brexit and Trump wrong but not to the same extent as they would have to be wrong for him to win. Him overturning what is about a 20 point deficit in the polls would be a Christmas miracle, and he’d need it in early June. All i’m saying is that if you are Buddhist and a Labour voter/supporter of Corbyn you need to be doing some good things cause you need all the karma you can get.
The Liberals have a literal religious nut as their leader. UKIP have an ACTUAL nutcase as their leader (even more nutty than Nigel Farage believe it or not) and he actually has the word ‘nut’ in his name which says it all really.
The greens are… wait what are the greens actually doing?
I honestly forgot that the Green party exists, from their website it appears that they are launching their “boldest campaign ever.” It seems that this involves focusing on young people, which is pretty cool. Shame they won’t get any votes because people will be voting tactically. The joys of a majoritarian system (shout out to 2nd Year European Studies students we’re a great example for Comparative politics).
So that completes the summary of the awful political parties we have to choose from in the UK… is there any good elements to this election?
Perhaps the saving grace of this literal shit-show is that people might actually come together to try and stop the Conservative Party from winning by tactically voting either Labour or Liberal depending upon who is the second party in most of the marginal Conservative seats.
Seeing as I don’t feel represented by any party I might as well do that. My politically active housemate sent me a few things about tactical voting which looked quite useful so I would know which party I was supposed to claim represented my views the best.
The website linked was Tactical 2017 which is a nice clean and crisp looking website. I was actually quite impressed until I look for my constituency in the list.
You should vote for Liberal or Labour. Thanks for clearing that up guys you really helped.
Basingstoke has only not been Conservative twice. The first time was in 1923 when we still didn’t even have universal suffrage. Reginald Fletcher won for the liberals. From then until 2004 we had a Conservative candidate when Andrew Robert Frederick Ebeneezer Hunter (Yes that is his real name) left the Conservatives to join the Democratic Unionist Party of Northern Ireland.
Basically Basingstoke needs a literal miracle to not be Conservative on June 8th. This means my vote, which will be done by post because I have an exam in another country the next day, will be pretty much worthless.
So even this ‘saving grace’ is actually just adding to the physical pain of shutting my penis in a door.
One actual victory here is for democracy. We had an unelected Prime Minister who was handling Brexit, a vote won partially on the claim that the EU is undemocratic.
Is it really democracy? That’s a problem for another day. Right now i’m struggling to pull any sensible conclusions from this article. I might need another dotted line to figure it out.
In conclusion, I personally do not feel represented by any party which is my own problem I know, but I figured I would state it so you understand that this was written from that viewpoint.
The Conservatives will almost certainly win, but we can dream of change because that gives us hope even if it is only for it to be shattered.
Please vote. I know I complained about my vote being wasted but real talk you have to vote for someone who will do something that benefits you, no matter who that is. If you don’t feel represented nationally then look locally at what each party will do for your area. If you still don’t know, consider tactical voting if you want a change in government. But your vote will count, so please register and vote on June 8th that is my lasting serious message from this whole thing.
Also, always choose the handle side of the door. The hinge side would be excruciatingly painful. I’m not sure if you would lose your penis/breast in the act of either side as I have never tried it.
Interesting fact: 100% of Americans (1 guy in a Dota game) who I asked this question to said they would go hinge side. Trump isn’t so surprising when you consider that ‘fact’.
TLDR: This election is comparable to shutting your penis or breast in a door. But please vote!
many thanks
Side note: I added in pictures for you picture book people who can’t read a lot of words. Hope the pictures still illustrate the point otherwise I downloaded a picture of Paul Nuttall to my computer for nothing you fucks.
