Have you ever thought to yourself: “I slay at work, my bod is on fire, literally people on the street envy me. Why am I still single?!”
Or perhaps it sounds more like “Why would anyone want to date me, there’s nothing loveable about me, I’m going to be alone forever…”
If you’ve ever said anything like this to yourself or your friends, you should read on. In the previous post, we started to take a look at how our own behaviors contribute to those god-awful fights or earth-shattering breakups.
First, we take accountability for our part in relationships. Then the most powerful thing you can do to change your relationship life is to have a clear understanding of your brain’s automatic response systems. Awareness is key. The guiding response system for relationships are our Attachment Style, which I give an overview of in the first post of this four-part series.
*disclaimer: I am not a therapist or psychologist, just sharing my opinions on a theory, always consult your mental health professionals!
How do I figure out my Attachment Style?
You can try to take an online quiz, many exist, including the one from the Attached Book. However honestly I think these quizzes suck. Your brain is way too smart, it knows exactly how to answer the questions correctly to get to Secure. It knows how you “should act” in certain situations, and also your brain is protecting itself from blame (discussed in previous post), so it doesn’t truly recognize or remember some of the crappy, unconscious things you’ve done in the past. Even if you are a sociopathic Avoidant, you can probably answer the quiz in a way that says you are Secure (I’ve seen this happen!).
Instead, read on as I try to break down a better way of evaluating your attachment style.
Can I be more than one Attachment Style?
While I’ve been in and out yof longer relationships (over 6 months, to a year, to 4.5 years), overall I’ve been in the dating game in NYC and LA for around 12 years. It’s now 2022, and since I first learned about attachment styles in 2020, I’ve probably been on around 50 first dates (ugh!).
I believe that Attachment Styles are on a spectrum, and there are different severities. At this point, I feel that I’ve had enough significant interactions with men across the spectrum, and even on both extremes of Anxious and Avoidant to point out a few patterns.
From these past relationships, I learned a few things:
- First, the good news: Secure is a stable grounding point. If your partner is Secure, most likely you will be pulled into being Secure too! If you are Secure, or able to play the Secure role in a relationship, you are likely able to pull your partner into being Secure!
- If your partner is Insecure, it is more like the opposite end of the magnet poles. The further they are on one end of the spectrum, the more likely they will push you into the other side. So an extremely Anxious person can cause you to become Avoidant, even if that’s not your natural attachment style.
- Here’s the really bad news: You probably have a very deeply hidden attachment style. It’s very hard to uncover because in the early stages of a relationship, or in relationships that are not that satisfying, it stays hidden. I like to say that the stakes are not high enough yet. Your brain has no need to activate the self-protection program yet.
The most important thing I learned is that it takes a really powerful connection, whether it is right or wrong, to unearth your buried attachment style, especially if it is Avoidant (more on that later). But often relationships are only surface level, or too short-lived to trigger your true insecure attachment style.
I will share a few patterns I’ve noticed to help you decipher your hidden attachment style. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, don’t overthink these, and use a “detective” mindset. Remember, your brain is trying to protect you from the blame and pain in recognizing yourself in these! For the Disorganized/Fearful-avoidant attachment style, at times there are no distinct behaviors, but you may related to a few of the Anxious, but quite a few more of the Avoidant behaviors.
The human experience comes in endless permutations so everyone manifests attachment styles differently. The below are generalizations, and you don’t have to agree with every single statement!
In Childhood:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- You feel like you had to be the emotional or even physical caretaker for the actual adult caretaker, starting at a very young age.
- One or both of your caretakers had ups and downs of moods but you feel that you figured out how to handle them.
- When you think about your childhood, you mostly have unhappy memories.
- You are likely one of the younger siblings.
- More likely you are female (I know, I know).
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- You feel that you were very self sufficient or basically raised yourself.
- When you think back to your childhood, you mostly have happy memories.
- You rarely checked in with your parents or talked about feelings with them.
- You’re likely an only child or oldest sibling.
- More likely you are male.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- You feel that one or both of your parents were overbearing, while you’re sure they love you, you feel guilty for not doing what they say.
- You feel that growing up, one or both of your parents were a little scary to you. You consistently received little to no attention or didn’t understand them at all. Perhaps they rarely interacted with you, or had inexplicably bad tempers.
- When you think back to your childhood, you mostly have happy memories.
In Friendship
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- People always say you are a great listener. They do most of the talking and tell you all their problems, you are supportive and spend a lot of time making other people feel better.
- You are that person who is willing to self sacrifice to help someone you care about. Often you feel like you give and give and give.
- You often refuse help from others, you would rather not have someone go out of their way for you.
- If you are really unhappy, it’s okay if your friends see you at your worst.
- If you are honest with yourself, other people’s opinions of you matter a lot to you.
- Perhaps you do a lot of activities because you hate hanging out at home alone.
- You often get really close to some friends, like they are so important to you, but then there’s a huge falling out, they don’t seem as invested in the friendship as you are, and you decide you’re better off without them and never talk to them again.
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- You may have almost no close friends, but a lot of peripheral friends.
- You may have a lot of friends, but you want to be in charge of how often you hang out.
- When you meet people, you know they will like you, you always know just what to say.
- You often refuse help from others, you think you can do it better yourself.
- If people don’t like you it must be jealousy because look at how much you’ve accomplished.
- You sometimes get really close to a friend, but then there’s a huge falling out because they are so clingy and needy.
- You feel that you don’t understand or have that much sympathy who are always moping around in their heads.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- A lot of the above make sense to you at different times.
- You may be the “King/Queen Bee” of your friend circle.
- You sometimes get really close to a friend, but then there’s a huge falling out and it’s not a big deal, life goes on, it’s what you expected to have happen.
- You rarely ask for help, but if you do, you make sure you ask in a way that make you look bad or dumb.
In greater life:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- You’re generally fine with doing/eating whatever the other person wants to do.
- You aren’t sure what YOUR favorite [insert: color, food, brands, vacation places] is/are.
- You have a hard time talking about or saying what you love about yourself.
- You believe you are very empathetic and incredibly skilled at reading other people’s emotions or state of mind.
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- You have always been good at doing things and making decisions on your own.
- You like being in control of the situation — you were made to be CEO.
- You are very motivated to accomplish great things, even if it means no close friends or relationships.
- You rarely think about how things make you feel.
- You rarely tell friends or family about your problems.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- You feel like you’re very good at fitting into any situation.
- You prefer not to think about how things make you feel.
- You are a PR master — You may tell your friends or family about your problems, but you make sure you are in control of the storyline.
In Texting:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- You spend a lot of time wondering why your partner hasn’t texted you back.
- You play games like waiting the same amount of time to text back as they took to text you
- You’ve texted or called someone over and over again even though they aren’t responsive
- You’ve given someone the silent treatment to try to see if they will respond
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- You respond whenever you feel like it, timing doesn’t matter.
- You play games by not texting back too quickly to make sure they don’t think you like them more than you do.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- You’ve done all of the above in one relationship.
- You craft your texts in a way that optimizes your likeability.
On Early Dates:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- On dates, you ask a lot of questions about the other person. They talk a lot more on the date, but you didn’t share many intimate details about yourself.
- You find yourself focusing primarily on the person’s good traits. You easily see their positives. You don’t spend too much time considering red flags.
- Or if you see their flaws, you don’t think it’s a big deal. You can accept them anyways.
- Very early on, you are super considerate, you bring gifts, you travel way further to get to them or you take time to plan extremely elaborate dates.
- You find yourself day-dreaming very early on, maybe only after one date, about how a life together could be with this person.
- You are more focused on making sure they like you rather than evaluating how much you like them.
- You are always impressed by or happy with whatever your date plans for the date.
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- You may prefer to keep things casual, one night stands, friends with benefits are great!
- You may try to impress your date with all your accomplishments rather than your vulnerabilities.
- You often start evaluating someone from the get go — how they dress, how they eat, how they laugh.
- You often find some random small flaw and decide you can’t date them (how they smell, their shoes…etc).
- You are charming AF.
- You planned the date, and it was dope.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- You find yourself making pro/con lists about whether or not you should continue dating.
- You spend more time evaluating them than worrying about if you are likeable, because you already make sure that you are.
- You are charming AF.
- You are secretly judging the place they picked for drinks, and why did you have to drive further than they did?
In the beginning of relationships:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- You consistently fall in love quickly and jump headlong into relationships. You know within a week or so that this person is for you.
- You get jealous easily when your partner talks to or spends time with someone of the opposite sex.
- You spend a lot of time thinking about how to make your partner happy or be the perfect partner to THEM.
- Your interests and habits totally shift to your partners’.
- You often find yourself in long-distance relationships or with people already in relationships because you are willing to accept their limited amount of attention.
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- It’s nice because the other side is falling for you, as they should. But you don’t feel the need to be overly affection yet.
- You’re almost never jealous.
- You try to space out how much time you spend together because you don’t want them to attach too quickly to you.
- You prefer your partner to get interested in all your interests and habits because yours are way more interesting than theirs.
- You often find yourself in long-distance relationships or with people already in relationships because it gives you enough space.
- You almost never think about “Defining the Relationship”.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- You are cautious.
- You try to make sure they don’t get too attached too quickly because you’re not sure.
- You want to define the relationship, but only when you’re totally sure.
As relationships go on:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- Instead of evaluating early on, once you’re dating for awhile, then you start to thinking about if this person is right or loves you enough (maybe 3–4 months in)
- When you are upset about something, you don’t say it right away. You don’t want to rock the boat, so you stew on it, or make a list of all your grievances and wait for the “right time” to bring them all up.
- The grievances start to fester and build in your head. You find yourself reading into them more and more. When you finally bring them up to your partner and they make you feel like you’re the crazy one.
- After awhile you feel like your partner doesn’t love you the way you need to be loved. Upon reflection, they tell you they love you and try to show you how much they like you, but you’re just not sure they really love you.
- You thought you loved them, but then they told you they loved you, and now you’re not sure this is right.
- You’ve tried to make your partner jealous or manipulate their emotions by saying you are busy when you aren’t, or threatening to leave when you don’t want to.
- When you are with your partner, you are more in your head than in the moment. Thinking what their actions mean, wondering what they are thinking, worrying about how they are perceiving you.
- You test your partner’s love by setting up tests for them, like if they remember certain dates or if they remember to open the door for you.
- You worry about being cheated on.
- You spend time reviewing and combing through all of your past experiences together to see if they really love or care about you.
- You are reactive or act hostile. Once you feel unleashed or feel you have lost the partner, you send tons of messages, call them, you feel victimized by them, you feel that you can finally tell them all the things you feel about them that’s wrong or how they hurt you. But you often don’t say it until it feels like there’s nothing left to lose.
- Or you give your partner the silent treatment. They should show you how they feel first.
- You choose not to share your thoughts with them. You don’t want to ruin things.
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- Things your partner does annoy you a lot, like the way they put away the dishes, or the way they don’t clean up after themselves. You don’t mind saying something to them, even if they may react poorly to the criticism.
- After awhile you may avoid being too physically close, not wanting to cuddle as often because you are too busy.
- When you are with your partner, you aren’t that present because you are thinking about other things you need to work on or do.
- Over time you care less and less about spending quality time with your partner, may you focus on work, friends, partying or other projects more.
- When your partner brings up an issue, you are reactive. There’s no way it’s your fault, why are they so emotional.
- You sometimes feel your partner is too needy.
- You sometimes think you’d be better off single.
- You sometimes think about your ex, even though the breakup sucked
- You feel this relationship is too hard, relationships should be easy, if we are fighting, then we can’t possibly be a match.
You could be Fearful/Disorganized if you relate to:
- You still aren’t sure if this is the right fit, but everything is okay, so you stay together.
- You often want to change your partner, like the way they dress or the way they cut their hair. Or perhaps it’s just the way they chew their food.
- You try to avoid relationships that have a lot of conflict. You choose partners who are really into you or aren’t very opinionated. Or you try to do your best not to create any conflict in the relationship.
Breakups:
You could be Anxious if you relate to:
- You have a really hard time getting over your past partner, even if at the time you logically think breaking up is better
- Even though the break up was awful, it’s hard for you to get over it. When you first break up, you keep wanting to reach out, and you primarily remember the good parts of the relationship and don’t remember the bad.
- Over time, you may primarily place the blame for the breakup on your ex, that they are just awful, mean people.
- Maybe you start dating again immediately after a breakup because you don’t want to think about it, and you want to feel wanted.
- Maybe you just can’t bring yourself to date again for a long time. You miss your ex too much.
You could be Avoidant if you relate to:
- Breakups are rarely painful for you they are mostly annoying. All the fighting is such a waste of time.
- When you first breakup, you primarily think about how awful the relationship was and how you don’t need it anyways.
- Over time, you may primarily place the blame for the breakup on your ex, that they are such clingy people.
- Over time, you may look at an ex fondly and think that maybe they were actually perfect for you, if only you could find someone like them.
You could be Fearful Avoidant if you relate to:
- Breakups are rarely painful for you, by the time it’s over, you’re basically ready to move on.
- When you really dig deep, breakups mean another failure.
- You start dating again immediately after a breakup because you are already over it or you don’t want to think about it, or because you want to feel wanted.
Neither of these feel like me, what does this mean?
1. Ask yourself if you’re being really honest with yourself in the evaluation. This is hard to do.
- If you are Avoidant, feelings and emotions are not a world you are used to dealing with, and your brain actively covers up feelings of sadness! This post from an Avoidant describes some of the emotion-blocking mechanisms of the brain.
- If you are Anxious, the more self work you have done the harder it is to identify your hidden Anxious attachment! Yes!!! Because you have evolved past the typical clinginess of the Anxious, you have enough self worth not to accept just anyone and be a bit more picky. More on this in the next post, but an Evolved Anxious can be confused for Avoidant since they actually push away love.
2. Don’t discount the section about Childhood. Remember that all the rest of the behaviors stem from childhood relationships with caregivers. Try to reconnect with your childhood self and review your feelings around each relationship with each caregiver carefully. If you have no feelings about it, then it’s highly likely you are Avoidant.
Sometimes it is also helpful to try to evaluate which attachment style your parents are, and how they interacted with each other. This can help also decipher what kind of caregiver they were.
A lot of my own story became unlocked when I realized that my father was very far end spectrum Avoidant.
3. Take a second look at the “Early dates” section.
4. You could be either Secure (yay! you give and receive love easily!)
5. You could be Disorganized/Fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant is tricky because it’s hard to decipher. Their social and relationship behaviors can be a mix of the Anxious and Avoidant. But the underlying basis is that although you would like to be in a relationship, your feelings around love are likely mixed with fear, guilt, and control.
Can my attachment style change over time? Is there hope?
Yes there’s hope! While our attachment styles have been hardwired into us from childhood, as adults we can learn to recognize the ticking time bombs inside of us and to defuse them way before the explosion. We’ll cover this topic in the next post!
Next Up:
- Pt 4: The Anxious-Avoidant Dance, and how to end it (coming soon)
- Pt 1: Why everyone is talking about Attachment Styles in 2022
- Pt 2: Yes it’s your fault too: The Anxious-Avoidant Dance
