Six Steps: A Three Part Short Story ~ Part 3

~~ In a Universe so immense — love transcends time and sacrifice transcends all earthly logic. Two souls connected through unquanitfiable love and immeasurable time find themselves embarking on separate journeys of sacrifice and reflection that will force both to alter their understanding of the universe around them. ~~

~~~~~~~~~~

Part Three

The beeping from the heart monitor was consistent and essentially the loudest sound he’d heard in quite some time — probably ever. The beeps seem to shake the floor, they seem to shake his world and he struggled mightily in trying to focus his attention elsewhere.

Five days had passed and all signs of his wife making a miraculous recovery seemed unlikely — “impossible” was the word the Doctor’s had been using the past seventy-two hours or so.

Daily, he found himself conversing more with himself but subconsciously he knew he was talking to whomever was listening to him at this point.

He didn’t drop to his knees, nor did he close his eyes, bow his head or even glance upwards towards the sky. Staring out of the huge hospital room window towards the rising and setting sun every day for the past five days — seem to suffice for him.

He prayed for her recovery, a full recovery but at this point he would settle for one last time just to tell her he loved her. He would settle for one final time to kiss her and feel the strength of her lips kissing him back. He would settle for one last moment to feel the grip of her soft hand. He would settle for one last look from his wife as she utters the words “I love you.”

The chair he sat in was a few feet away from his wife’s bed. He would occasionally kneel by her bed, hold her hand and speak words to her, but her unchanging condition, position and seemingly lifeless expression didn’t make it as easy to speak to her as much as he thought it’d be.

The movies, he’d seen them — the somber moments in which a family member would be speaking with a loved one who’d be in the same condition. The entire scene would be sentimental and emotional but this was real, depressingly vivid yet the dream-like nature of the unbelievable aura that surrounded him throughout the entire experience was hard to shake.

Her face didn’t move or flinch — not even in the least bit. Only the breathing and only the beeping, nothing more.

The hospital room’s love seat was adjacent to the window. Wasn’t as comfortable as he’d like it, but it was home the past five days. The setting sun beams began to shine directly into the room and onto Michelle’s bed. As he gazed out onto the city’s skyline, the beauty of the evening slowly embraced him. It made him thankful he was alive to witness the beauty what his eyes was fixated upon.

He was thankful for the days he and Michelle shared sunsets and sunrises. There was more, infinitely more he wanted to share with his wife, but was happy with all he’d shared with her thus far in life — especially Caleb.

He position himself in the love seat so that he can rest comfortable against the arm of the chair while simultaneously gazing out onto the sunset, which seemed to be taking its time going down for the evening.

“Um”

Her voice was soft and weak, but it startle him somewhat. Malcolm quickly stood to his feet and gazed intensely over at his wife. Her eyes were slowly attempting to open as her fingers slowly started to move. Malcolm struggled to breathe as a three way battle between excitement, fear and anxiety raged furiously within. He was only a few steps away from her bed, he hesitated not one moment more as he began to quickly take steps towards Michelle’s bed.

The step forward towards her bed was initiated without even realizing what was happening. Everything around him quickly began to move in slow motion as his heart began to beat rapidly. Subconsciously, his mind began to travel through time and strategically landing on sentimental moments he shared with her.

This reflection was more than just memories, they were a collection of moments in which Michelle told him she loved him and these surreal moments were a part of who he was — a part of who they were together.

Slowly, he closed his eyes as he began his journey, his walk from the love seat by the window to her bed. Strength, there was a bit deep down and right now he found himself holding on to the small amount he had buried within.

As he took the first step towards her bed, he took a deep breath. The more he inhaled, the more the euphoric pocket around him began to shrink and gradually embrace him. It was the only thing keeping him together within a world in which he felt somewhat alone at the moment.

As his first step planted firmly on the floor, in its path towards her, the memories began to overwhelm him…….

~~~~~~~~~~

First Step: Thirteen Years Ago

The way the sun shone down upon her brown skin as the reflection bounced directly into his soul. It was the first time ever his knees stopped working. On this day, he knew his soul belonged to another — her.

She didn’t know that day, but she’d take the first steps this day down a path that eventually led to her discovering he was here for her and her for him.

“You have something in your hair,” he nervously whispered to her as they waited for the campus trolley to take them across campus.

“Where?” she replied as she quickly began to swipe her hair.

“There,” he replied as he carefully and cautiously pointed in the direction the lint found itself position in her hair.

“Where?” she repeated as she continued to swipe yet continuously missing the target.

“It’s right here,”

He repeated as he pointed yet again but this time inching his index finger slightly closer.

“Boy just get it out of my hair already,” she exclaimed behind a chuckle as she shook her head.

He swiped the lint out of Michelle’s hair as they both watched a seemingly microscopic piece of lint float slowly to the ground.

Her chuckle was soft yet noticeable as he quickly glanced up at her. He tried to contain himself as her beauty was seemingly unmatched and he had a hard time figuring out why — how she was this beautiful — it was hard to look directly into her face as the beauty was overwhelming.

“What?” he whispered from behind his suddenly dry throat.

“You just wanted to touch my hair — keep it real.”

His smile was genuine but the nervousness from her beauty made it a crusty smile.

She inconspicuously peered over him and immediately realized just how handsome he was. She didn’t look at him directly but she saw enough to know. He was noticeably nervous and his attempt to conceal his nervousness, was also noticeable.

“No…..I …..There was really something in your hair, I promise.”

Her smile widen and a giggle ensued as the campus trolley approached them.

“Awww,” she replied behind the giggle. “I love you — you’re so cute behind that wall of lies there pal.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Second Step: Ten Years Ago

“I love you.”

Malcolm was taken aback. This was the first time he’d heard Michelle sincerely utter those words to him. She was gazing directly straight ahead as she spoke the words, but her words were true — he felt them. She didn’t turn to see his expression or reaction, she just kept gazing forward.

She squeezed his hand tighter as they made their way closer towards the theater. He return the squeeze and immediately stopped in his tracks. He took a deep breath but didn’t look at her yet but could feel her turning to look at him, likely wondering why he’d stopped.

He smiled as he nodded his head continuously. The evening was quickly coming to a close and the late cool fall air comfortably blanketed them as they stood in the parking lot of the movie theater.

The scent from her pear based perfume thoroughly saturated the air and irresistibly wrapped itself around the core of his senses and ultimately his mind as he smiled. The wine from dinner was deep within his system, but he wasn’t drunk or impaired.

“What’s the smile for?” she asked.

“Will you ever love me as much as I love you and will always love you?” he replied.

She took a deep breath and began to nod her head as she smiled.

“Let’s take a trip and find out.”

“Where?” he quickly replied confusingly.

“Through life.” She responded behind a grin as she squeezed his hand tighter.

~~~~~~~~~~

Third Step: Eight Years Ago

“I’m trying to find a way to believe in myself.”

Malcolm’s words took Michelle by surprise as she was used to him being immensely confident, sometimes overly confident.

“It’s just a job Malcolm,” she said as she shook her head in slight frustration. “You can get another one and that shit don’t define you so stop acting like it does.”

Michelle — annoyed and frustrated, not necessarily with him but with this sudden cloud of doubt he found lingering over himself and all that he’d worked hard for. The world didn’t make it any better for him for various economical and societal reasons. She sat next to him, on the living room couch but at this moment, she felt like he was pretty far away from her.

He sat back in the couch, staring out of the patio door onto the late night star filled sky. Having this conversation at 3am wasn’t ideal for either one of them, but he’d made his way into the dark living room to sulk by himself.

Michelle eventually discovered Malcolm’s side of the bed deserted when she awoke and figured something was wrong when he didn’t immediately return. She discovered him sitting, moping in the dark of the living room and immediately knew what was wrong. She wasn’t blind. She saw what was happening to him over the past few months and understood how it was gradually affecting them.

“This will either go one of two ways Malcolm,” she continued behind a stern tone as she peered out onto the sky as well. “We either get through this together, watch it disappear in our rearview and elevate ourselves where we need to be or we don’t survive this — we don’t make it to the other side of this.”

His focus still cemented on the night visual on the other side of the patio door, Malcolm began to nod his head as he understood there wasn’t an incorrect word uttered by Michelle. He needed to provide and right now, he wasn’t providing. His college degree wasn’t enough, his experience was lacking and his confidence –- shook and crumbling by the day.

There were times he doubted the move they’d made to move in with one another and lately he found himself doing more of it, doubting. He buried his head in his hands as he took a much needed deep breath.

He felt her soft hand suddenly land on his thigh as she began to rub and caress it as he quickly raised his head and stared into her brown eyes. He gently placed his hand on top of hers and began to gently rub hers.

“I can deal with a lot of things Malcolm but I can’t deal with you breaking down on me. Right now, the world says you aren’t marketable or worth much, I know they’re wrong and you know they are as well, but there’s obviously more you have to do to change their thinking, so — do it. I can’t do it for you, I can only love you.”

He smiled as he nodded his head. He gently caressed her face as the moon light beamed through the patio glass door and landed onto her face. It was everything he needed to hear. He was already cognizant of what was needed but found himself lacking the strength or will power to step forward and move.

He needed to do more, as a man, more was needed for him, her and all they wanted to accomplish. More hard work, more dedication, more commitment. This; what he was now, who he was at the moment, how he currently found himself existing — it wasn’t enough. Not for him and certainly not for her.

She slowly stood to her feet — her night gown revealing her flawless dark brown legs as she gently took her right leg and nudged his. He quickly glanced up at her as she smiled.

“I love you — I would like to go back to bed now,” she whispered. “I would also like to never wake up to find you looking like this ever again. Doubt, Malcolm, is natural and a human part of the subconscious, but there isn’t room for sincere and energy draining doubt on our journey — we don’t have the resources to carry ourselves and doubt on this trip.”

Before he could nod and agree she released his hand and quickly made her way out of the living room and back towards the bed room carrying her peach and cocoa butter scent with her. He stood up and decided at that very moment to use all of his energy to move forward consistently.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourth Step: Six Years Ago

Malcolm watched as the tears slowly made their way down Michelle’s face. She fought diligently to hold back as the tears forced their way from behind her clinched closed eye lids.

He quickly wiped each tear as they tried finding their way down but he wouldn’t afford them the chance at reaching the bottom of her cheeks. He stared into her face as tried his best to console the one person that meant more to him than anything the planet could create.

It was the second time she’d seen her Grandmother since her grandmother’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. This time was unlike the first visit as it was clearly progressing rapidly. Her Grandmother, an integral part of all that made Michelle who she was. Malcolm was acutely aware of this as Michelle spoke about her grandmother daily behind deep reverence and immense admiration.

Hearing about it was one thing but seeing her and fully experiencing the symptoms first hand was something totally different. They were summoned by the family as they’d got news of her condition worsening and they were advised to make the trip while her grandmother could still recognize them. It was a hard trip to make.

It wasn’t just painful, it was difficult to put into quantifiable words or emotions. Not just for Michelle, but for Malcolm as well who had come to know her grandmother quite well over the years.

“Malcolm? Malcolm baby?”

The soft, weakened voice rang out from the porch.

“Grandma is calling you babe.”

He hesitated for a moment as he was truly unsure of how to react. He was slightly surprised that she remembered his name but understood that she wasn’t completely gone yet and she was still here with them, a point made clear to them by the family.

“Go,”

Michelle whispered as she ushered him through the door towards the patio where her grandmother was sitting — enjoying the mid-western evening air. Michelle dried her eyes and took a deep breath as she watch Malcolm disappear through the front door that led to the porch.

He made his way through the doors and out onto the patio of the ranch style house. The summer evening Oklahoma air was crisp and clear yet comfortably warm. Euphorically pleasant the atmosphere was compared to back east, but they didn’t get a chance to enjoy it — not this trip.

Malcolm, upon taking the first step onto the porch, understood almost immediately why Grandma spent most of her time out here relaxing. It was surreal. They’d arrived earlier that morning and had spent nearly the entire day inside talking with the family about and making plans for grandma.

Her genuine smile caught him almost immediately and pulled him closer.

“Grandma?”

Her smile widen as she heard him speak.

“Malcolm what did we talk about last night?”

He paused, as for a moment he was confused. He knew for certain he hadn’t discussed anything with her last night and he understood it was probably best that he shared that with her in order to not confuse her any further.

“I know it was something important,” she continued behind a touch of confusion. “My mind leaves me so and I forgets and I don’t….”

She paused — Malcolm noticed that her smile had quickly vanished and she’d started to become emotional. She was beautiful and remained flawless in nature even in her elder age. Her aged, golden brown skin remained as smooth as ever and looked nothing like the skin of a seventy-eight year old woman.

He moved closer to her as he slowly and gently grabbed her hand. Placing her hand inside his, she immediately glanced up into his eyes, still somewhat emotional, she managed to force a smile.

“What were we discussing last night?” she asked again as the smile vanished and her eyes began to water. He knew the tears weren’t far behind.

A soft creaking sound originated from the direction of patio door as he quickly turned and noticed Michelle standing in the door way with her eyes closed as she shook her head — fighting still to hold back the emotion.

She understood that her grandmother was undoubtedly confused and Michelle hadn’t the slightest idea what she could say to Malcolm to assist him in adequately explaining to her grandmother that she was confused. The emotion was too much — beyond words Michelle found herself.

Malcolm saw the pain all over Michelle’s face, she was no longer able to hide it. He wanted desperately not only to console Michelle, but Grandma as well. Quickly, he turned back towards Grandma and calmly smiled as he began to nod.

“We were discussing how much you are truly loved Grandma.” He replied confidently behind a smile of his own.

Her smile widen as the evening sun illuminated her face.

“Oh?” she replied softly as a blush quickly made its way over her beautiful face.

“I was telling you last night that……”

He paused and quickly turned back towards Michelle who had opened her eyes at this point, likely curious as to what he was going to say to Grandma. He turned back towards grandma and continued.

“I was telling you last night that no matter how much you feel your beautiful mind may stray away from you and no matter how much you may forget — no matter how far away you go within that beautiful place you call a subconscious, Michelle and I will always love you for who you were, who you are and who you always will be.”

Her eyes peered deep into his as he was able to peer directly back into hers. She was hearing and essentially understanding every word he was saying. Her world, her seventy eight years of beautiful life — it was all in her eyes and it was full of everything that made her the beautiful soul that she was. He saw all of it the longer he stared into her eyes and the words poured into his soul and out, verbally into the atmosphere.

“No matter the journey your mind takes you on,” he continued. “You can take comfort in knowing that we love you forever and will never forget you or the beauty you placed in our hearts or onto this Earth. Nothing on this planet can change that and you can’t run from the way we love you. There isn’t a place far enough or deep enough within the halls of your mind that can escape the many ways we love you.”

Malcolm now near tears himself, pointed towards her head.

“There isn’t a place in there that can hide you from our love and the comfort and protection and love of the family. Close your eyes for me.”

She immediately followed Malcolm’s instructions as she closed her eyes — her smile remained.

“These words that I’m sharing with you, take them, gather them up and hold on to them with dear life. Now, I want you to find a place deep within your mind, a room that no one can enter except you. Take these words and place them inside that room and lock the door. Now keep your eyes closed, now tell me grandma, what kind of flowers do you like?”

She hesitated as her eyes remained closed. The smile went away as she appeared to think about his question. Her smile’s departure was brief as it immediately returned.

“Orchids,” she whispered, “I love orchids baby.”

Malcolm nodded his head at her answer and continued.

“I want you to take the key to that room, the one with my words stashed away inside and I want you to place that key underneath a pot of orchids right outside the door of that room and whenever you want to enter, just look under that pot and use that key.”

She squeezed his hand tighter with each word as tears began falling down her face as well. At this moment, she was there with them in all of her right mind and she not only understood every word he uttered, but she seemed to truly store it away in that place within her subconscious.

Perhaps she would be able to guard this place, a guarded room deep within that couldn’t be touched by her illness. This was him hoping, hope wrapped loosely around wishful thinking. This was him clinging on to all that he could at the moment.

“No matter where you go,” he continued. “No matter where your mind goes — just know that Michelle and I are blankets that will keep you warm with love and with everything that exists within us. Do you understand me?”

She nodded as she opened her teary eyes.

“I do.”

The jubilation on grandma’s face gave him hope that his words would never be lost forever or they could somehow always be retrieved when they needed to be. He glanced back up at Michelle’s face who was smiling as she continued to cry, this time he wasn’t sure if the tears were from joy, sadness or a combination.

“I love you.”

Michelle’s words didn’t come out verbally but she mouthed them to him.

“That makes me feel much better Malcolm.” Grandma whispered as she tapped his hand. “Those words, they already felt like a warm blanket wrapped around me.”

He turned back towards grandma, leaned forward and gently kissed grandma on her forehead as she reached out and gently rubbed his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifth Step: Five Years Ago

The building seemed much bigger, much taller the closer he sprinted towards it. He was slightly fatigued but suddenly found a burst of energy the moment he laid his eyes on the building itself.

An early morning flight then another flight to return home, all within the past twenty four hours had him running on fumes but he was digging deep within to locate the energy he desperately needed at the moment.

He made his way to the lobby of the building and press the up button on the wall to summon the elevator. He glanced down at his watch and at his phone. He glanced back up at all the elevators and noticed that none were close to his position.

He peered around and noticed the signs that directed him towards the steps. He wasted no time making his way towards them.

The floor he needed was the ninth as he immediately sprinted up the stairs without thinking twice about the nine level task he just subconsciously embarked upon.

What was next? What was after all of this? What came next in this part of his life?

Questions floated aimlessly around his mind as his physical body made its way up the flights of stairs as quick as his legs could carry it. His body in one place and now his mind found itself elsewhere at this point. He wasn’t certain where, but it was in a place that wasn’t close. He didn’t have the answers to the questions, but knew they would soon come whether he had them or not.

Life seemed to have a funny way of placing things in their natural order but he wasn’t sure what part of the order this was. Was he ready? If not why wasn’t he? He’d spent what felt like a life time convincing himself that he would be ready but the doubt lingered heavily. The confidence was in there somewhere. This battle between doubt and confidence was fierce and it felt like doubt was winning.

He knew there was a chance that confidence was winning and the doubt was effectively and subconsciously masking him from believing so. He had no idea what was happening, but it was here.

The love he didn’t receive as young man from his absent father. The instability within the home being raised by a single mother. Being forced to work harder, faster and more diligently than his counterparts. Being told by the world that he wasn’t good enough or that he wasn’t doing enough — none of that meant anything anymore — today was a new day. None of it held any significant place within who he was anymore — not ever again….

He was significantly winded by the time he reached the ninth floor. He didn’t open the door right away as he took a moment to retrieve the bottle of water from his work bag and finish the rest of the water that was within it.

He took several deep breaths to control his heart rate, his breathing and opened the door and walked through. He was already sure of where he needed to go and simply needed to focus to get there — to his destination.

He briefly closed his eyes as he continued to make his way down the hall — taking deep breath after deep breath. Opening his eyes, he peered on the doors themselves as he quickly made his way past them, counting them in his heads as the numbers were on the front of each door.

Room number 288 — finally.

He stood in front of the room, took another deep breath and slowly pushed the door opened. He could hear soft voices inside having a discussion.

He made his way past the curtain that covered the door. His eyes locked in position as he quickly made his way towards the middle of the room. He was speechless as he tuned out all within his peripheral. He was beyond words and the words that were formulating within his mind, were unable to adequately structure themselves in a way that would make it easy to comprehend — so he didn’t bother.

He just made his way closer as the smile on his face widen.

“Well look who is here?”

Michelle’s soft voice snapped him out of his focus.

“Hey baby.” He replied as he reached for her hand.

“Want to wake up for your daddy?” she whispered.

There was no response from Caleb who was a merely a few hours old and didn’t care much about waking up for anyone at this point.

Malcolm smiled as he gently rubbed his index finger across the baby soft cheek of his new born son. He placed his hand on the chest of the baby and allowed Caleb’s breathing to guide his hand up and down.

“Hold him baby.” Michelle whispered.

Malcolm immediately dropped his work bag and carefully reached for his child. His only child — his first son. He retrieved him from the arms of his mother as he gazed down onto the baby’s face.

He closed his eyes and began shaking his head as he smiled. He opened his eyes and gazed into Michelle’s tired eyes as a tear started to slowly fall down his face.

“I love you,” they both uttered at one another simultaneously.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sixth Step: Today

He took his sixth step and found himself next to Michelle’s bed, suddenly standing directly over her. Subconsciously, the six step journey from the couch to her bed strengthen his love for her in ways he wasn’t aware was possible in any earthly way.

He grabbed her hand and gently raised it as he began to softly caress his own face with it. As he closed his eyes, with her hand he continued the caressing his face as he waited for more signs from her that she was awakening.

The longer he did, the more he quickly reflected back on those five moments in their life in which she uttered the words “I love you” to him. He stood over her as he felt her grip around his hand tighten somewhat.

“Baby?” he whispered, “Can you hear me?”

A single nod was her response. He didn’t expect much else in her weakened state but her eyes still appeared to be immensely heavy as she had trouble holding them open. He took a moment to press the button to alert the nurses.

“I have to go,” Michelle whispered as she gripped his hand tighter. “I can’t stay.”

He smiled and shook his head.

“No, not yet. The doctors won’t allow you to leave just yet baby. You have to get stronger before they allow you to leave mam.”

He lowered his head as the emotion began to overwhelm him. The tears began to fall almost uncontrollably at this point as he fought diligently to contain them.

He was happy she was waking up after several days and had no idea where to place his emotions. He gazed back up as his wife slowly began to open her eyes.

“You’re so pretty,” she whispered. “I love you.”

He couldn’t help but to laugh at his wife’s words.

“Not as pretty as you are right now and forever.” He replied.

He gripped her hand tighter as he kept control of his emotions.

“I love you so much baby,” he whispered into her ear.

He began to kiss her softly all over her face.

“I love you more than life and what life was meant to be and I want you to know that life has been much easier with you by my side. You make life worth living and every day we’ve walked side by side together, I felt like all I needed within the universe was walking along side me. You were created for me and I for you — — I truly believe this and I want nothing more than to walk through the rest of life with you baby.”

Her smile was weak but bright and sincere as she nodded her head — it was her only response to his words.

Her eyes closed, the heart machine began to beep solidly as she began to flat-line.

Time stood still. Everything froze. The moment in time was surreal as he listened to his wife flat-line. It was a mix between a dream and a surreal moment that was positioned directly outside the fabrics of space time.

Malcolm closed his eyes as he could hear the doctors rushing in. He kept the grip around her hand as kept his eyes closed. He smiled — the biggest smile he had in a long time.

He could feel the doctors trying to push him away, but they were unsuccessful as he was too rooted in his position to go anywhere. The tears fell behind his closed eyes as the smile on his face remained.

He kissed her hand and rubbed it gently against his face once more. He was content with the universe giving him this last chance to say what he needed to say to her. He was content with her smiling after receiving what he needed to say to her. He was ok.

He slowly and gently released her hand and turned as he walked slowly back towards the huge room window as the sounds of the heart machine and the panic of the doctors could be heard behind him.

Slowly, he made his way back over towards the window. Everything that made him who he was currently found itself outside of all that made him whole. His body was there, in the hospital room, everything else — some place without limits and beyond all that physically surrounded him.

It was an immensely surreal moment as he gazed outward towards the city skyline and the setting sun that was falling gracefully behind the skyscrapers in the distance. He calmly closed his eyes, took a deep breath as the sounds of all that was behind him seemed to gradually fade away.

The pain was there, but he was content in that he was able to receive all that he wanted — one last chance. Gradually, the tears began to fall and he didn’t fight to hold them back.

He placed his hand on the cold window pane and closed his eyes as his rapid heart rate began to slow down dramatically. He took deep breath after deep breath in an attempt at controlling his heart rate. Palms still opened flat on the window as he finally opened his eyes and stared intensely out onto the horizon.

It was at the moment he knew there was more. It was at the moment he knew his voice had been heard. He began nodding his head as he slowly turned back around to see the doctors still working to revive Michelle — to no avail.

He glared over his wife’s lifeless body as a smile slowly formed over his face as he continued to nod his head.

“Thank you,” he whispered as his smile widen, “Thank you.”

End.