Killing You.
Comedians for years have commented on scientific studies that say certain foods are healthful, and later studies that say the same foods are deadly. Lewis Black talks about eggs, Paula Poundstone talks about margarine, the late John Pinette discussed food (and health food) at length, the great Jim Gaffigan has got to be one of the best and most comprehensive food comedians working today (Hot Pocket, anyone?), and Patton Oswalt’s bits about KFC’s Famous Bowls are treats I binge-consume regularly (though I don’t regularly eat the KFC Bowls themselves).
I decided to try something new: type in as many foods as I could think of, to find some article online, science-based or not, journalist-written or blogger-written… some “nugget” of fried bullcrap online claiming…
Food X Can Kill You!!!
The results were staggering. I went higher and higher up the health chain, and kept finding claims that everything from coffee to tea to water… everything from eggs to cereal to bacon, everything from sushi to fruits to grains, rice, wheat, beer, wine, kale, rhubarb… you name it…
Just about every food has an article devoted to it SOMEWHERE ONLINE (being cited, by the way, by some idiot somewhere as the end-all, beat-all PROOF) that Food X will kill you.
Sometimes, it’s honest-to-god peer-reviewed scientific research. Other times, it’s a story from a legitimate news agency. Still other times, it’s a story from a illegitimate source made up to appear as if it’s from a legit news organization (this type of article often has a web domain that’s almost real-sounding but not quite). And still OTHER times, it’s just a blog, written by someone in their dorm pants, with Fox News Channel on mute in the background and a freezer full of Jenny Craig.
Please note well: My point here is not that some articles are true and others are false.
What’s the point?
(1) If it’s legit research, even the most strenuously peer-reviewed scientific articles will suffer from some limitation, whether it’s a form of bias or another fallacy. No food is the ONE food you SHOULD eat to live longer, and no food is the ONE food to AVOID in order to cheat death (unless you’ve got an allergy, dealt with in “Things I’ve Tried to Leave Out Of This List”).
(2) Web sites, especially blogs, will say literally anything to get your clicks, whether there’s a grain of truth there or not. Misreading, spinning, and selectively quoting scientific articles are big things for the Blogger With An Agenda.
(3) Anything you overdo can probably kill you, or more accurately, can hasten death or increase your chance of developing some fatal condition. Overdoing anything will almost certainly lead to some problem or other, depending on what you overdo and how much you overdo it.
(4) Genetics play a large role in overall health and this point is largely ignored by all of the bloggers (and some of the legit research).
(5) STOP TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO EAT OR AVOID. We all know tobacco and alcohol kill millions. There’s no need to repeat that. For virtually all other consumables, the scientific evidence of its ability to kill you is probably sketchy at best (the Conclusions of most studies indicate the need for further research anyway), and total hokum at worst.
THUS…
(6) Make your choices. Enjoy life. Share things you like. And if you cannot fight the urge to nag your friends what they should or should not do… you should probably kill yourself and save the beef, eggs, milk, kale, tobacco, quinoa, alcohol, bok choi, et al, the trouble.
CAVEAT: Things I’ve Tried To Leave Out Of This List:
- articles from legit news agencies whose headlines are leading questions, such as… “Is thing X killing you??” (exception: the very last entry.)
- articles about actually toxic items (such as pufferfish or hemlock) that will kill you every time.
- articles about allergies or relatively rare fatal allergic reactions, such as peanuts. This is about “normal” people consuming “normal” things.
- articles from sites like Yahoo Answers where some goofball has asked a leading (or misleading) question, e.g. “Is Reheating Rice Killing You?”
- articles from sites like The Onion or Cracked.com where satire is a gigantic part of what they do
Toward the end… I’ve thrown in a handful of articles that gave me hope, that see and say that “everything in moderation” is the only real rule we can use, and moderation is what will be our salvation.
Except for the articles that claim MODERATION IS KILLING YOU. And yes, I found two such articles.
Eggs. http://www.thegloss.com/2012/08/16/beauty/eggs-cigarettes-yolk-study-941/
Eggs. http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/eating_eggs_will_kill_you/
Milk. http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/seriouslyscience/2014/10/30/drinking-much-milk-kill/
Milk. http://www.bmj.com/content/349/bmj.g6015
Milk. http://www.express.co.uk/life-style/health/528721/Drinking-milk-linked-to-earlier-death
Meat and cheese. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2014/03/04/deli-dilemma-meat-and-cheese-linked-to-earlier-death/
Meat. http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S155041311400062X (for a look at the problems with this study, as predictable as they are, or for the summary in more plain English, check out the Smithsonian.com article http://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/everybody-chill-out-eating-meat-isnt-going-kill-you-180949979/?no-ist )
Pork. http://buynongmoseeds.com/why-pork-could-be-hurting-and-even-killing-you/
Pork. http://www.seventhfam.com/temple/books/eattolive_two/eat2chap31.htm. (** my personal favorite… pork is WORMS!)
Chicken. http://gothamist.com/2013/12/21/your_chicken_dinner_could_be_killin_1.php
Chicken. http://www.salon.com/2013/09/16/chicken_is_killing_the_planet/
Turkey. http://www.opposingviews.com/i/just-in-time-for-thanksgiving-turkey-can-kill-you
Turkey. http://www.peta.org/living/food/top-10-reasons-eat-turkeys/
Fish. http://economyincrisis.org/content/fish-you-eat-may-kill-you
Cereal. https://stayfitbeactive.wordpress.com/2013/11/19/your-cereal-is-killing-you/
Grains. http://wellnessmama.com/575/how-grains-are-killing-you-slowly/
Grains. http://crossfitimpulse.com/why-grains-are-killing-you/
Rice. http://jezebel.com/5865579/add-rice-to-the-list-of-foods-that-will-kill-you
White Rice. http://www.backpackinglight.com/cgi-bin/backpackinglight/forums/thread_display.html?forum_thread_id=61250
White Rice. http://news.yahoo.com/white-rice-linked-type-2-diabetes-study-says-190002021.html
Wheat. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/12/10/wheat-threatens-all-humans-new-research-shows.html
Gluten (snort). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66UpCemcrJY
Peanuts. http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/january2007/050107peanutskill.htm
Cherries, Apricots, Plums, Peaches. http://www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/ingredients/slideshow/foods-that-can-kill-you/?slide=1
Apples, Pears. http://www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/ingredients/slideshow/foods-that-can-kill-you/?slide=5
Soup (killing the ocean). http://gizmodo.com/5843307/the-soup-that-is-killing-the-ocean-warning-graphic-content
Sugar. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66UpCemcrJY
Beer. http://www.beertutor.com/articles/beer_additives_and_preservatives.shtml
Beer. http://www.amyvansant.com/5-sneaky-ways-beer-can-kill-you/
Wine. http://jezebel.com/red-wine-fixes-everything-and-ruins-everything-1445010927
Coffee. http://www.atlantamagazine.com/health/new-study-coffee-can-kill-you/
Tea. www.hazmatmag.com/columns/tea-drinkers-at-greater-risk-of-prostate-cancer/
Water. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/strange-but-true-drinking-too-much-water-can-kill/
Water. http://listverse.com/2013/06/13/10-ways-water-can-kill-you/
Organic Food. http://thoughtcatalog.com/brad-pike/2013/06/7-foods-you-eat-that-are-actually-poison/
Rhubarb. www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/ingredients/slideshow/foods-that-can-kill-you/?slide=3
Moderation. http://authoritynutrition.com/why-everything-in-moderation-is-killing-people/
Moderation. http://www.godsdirectcontact.com/vegetarian/abc/moderationkills.htm
Everything. http://lifehacker.com/5926701/is-everything-i-do-actually-killing-me
THE ARTICLES OF TRUTH… or… the Articles that actually use the proper scientific thinking, and limit spin and scare tactics.
Superfoods (spoiler alert: the real problem with so-called ‘superfoods’ is that they were labelled ‘super’ at all. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/04/09/he-dangers-of-superfoods.html
Pork (pink pork) WON’T kill you. http://thestir.cafemom.com/food_party/120742/Pink_Pork_Wont_Kill_You
Kale. http://grist.org/list/kale-could-kill-your-faulty-reading-of-scientific-studies/. ** (another favorite, which actually makes the correct point, “With the right scientific studies, you can make pretty much any food sound like it’s going to kill you.”)
