All I would say to my dad

If I had the guts enough to grab my dad’s attention. It has been 25 years and I am suddenly gathering the ultimate words to say to you, dear dad, on this tumultuous rainy day. I mean you have been here for me, for us after all. No matter what my true raw feelings towards you may be, it is safe to say that on a financially standpoint, you have been present and fulfilled your duties as a father. For that I am forever fortunate. Not everyone gets a functional dad that easily. But you completely did forget that I needed a caring dad as well. Don’t get me wrong, mom did all she could for us financially and emotionally. 
She is a brilliant woman with splendid qualities and I am forever grateful to but other times I would want a connection with you dad. I wanted that. Even after the crazy, sometimes atrocious beatings and the fear/intimidation you bestowed upon me, I wanted to see through the roughness evoked primarily because of the rather fractured relationship you had with your own dad, the softness, the human, a more emotionally driven father symbol. Yes we can all sit down and perhaps blame it on genetics or Psychology, but the fact remained that you haven’t tried to mend the fences, to screw back loose hinges. Maybe I too have not put the effort but how can I? When all I mostly remember and gather from you is this rather imposing figure with a static, strong belief of how things are and should be. Maybe I am to blame too. The real point of writing all of this, of letting all out this time, dear father, is to finally say that pertaining to our semi-close relationship nature now, that you fucked up and I got scared. I fucked up for not owning up my part; Man up and tell you all about it. To be honest, I shiver at the thought of it but all I deeply know is that it should never be this way between a father and his son regardless of differences experienced in life. And that’s about it dude but rather than dwell on it with more needless words, let me go attend to this lovely cup of coffee. The heart depends on it.

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